thursday morning update

lets start with last night-carver went back on tramadol, 2 tb at 9 p.m. he went outside, pooped, and we met our neighbor emily, who told me she just lost her 7 1/2 year old to bone cancer last year. she was incredibly sweet. I felt a little like a robot talking with her. a part of me has shut down. In caring for carver post surgery, and worrying about immediate things like did he eat, is he getting enough fluid, is there fluid build up at the surgical site, how is his energy level, is he in pain, that i do not feel connected with the emotion of the truth of us his cancer, the truth that it is terminal, that their is more ahead to face . so, when i talk to people about how he is doing, I dont express any emotion, which i think must seem really strange. it feels strange to me. I feel foreign to myself. I can only hope that this is a good way to manage this time-I do not think I am in denial in the sense it is not like I am thinking he is not going to die-I am just not living in that truth moment by moment. what does bother me is that I am afraid I am so obsessed with all the details that i am loosing the dog, losing the focus of carver as pal , not only patient. doctors must live like this. I have an appointment with my meditation instructor this evening, which i am really looking forward to. I know he will be able to help me work with all of this, and help me understand the view in terms of buddhist practice. I am hoping he can guide me to a practice that will help me feel more intergrated. I am also going to commit to having a dog cancer research free weekend. I need to feel more connected to my whole self and the whole world, other than this terrible one.

so, back to carver details-he seems more relaxed this morning on the pills, but at the same time he seemed to like walking around outside more than he did yesterday, so I think putting him back on them was a good idea-it will help getting the staples removed be less traumatic.I am looking forward to seeing dr.w tomorrow. I will sit down and make a list of questions for him this afternoon.

carver had his tramadol at 6 a.m., along with some jack cheese, and his joint heath supplement. I also just heard him get up & eat his breakfast of wellness chicken, cotttage cheese and immune blend. hopefully that was not a belly aching combination!