thanksgiving

a lot to be thankful for this november, like autumn days sitting on the porch with carver.


carver had his 10 month anniversary of his surgery last week-my miracle pup. right now he is lying asleep on the couch, sandwiched between e and me. We are celebrating thanksgiving at our house this year, so carver can be apart of the festivities. e's family is coming, as well as our friend tracy, and our pals corey & felix from vermont. I got carver from a dog wardon on vermont when I was living with corey in the northeast kingdom. I had come up for the birth of felix, stayed for a month, and came home with a baby of my own. Now felix is 13, taller than me, voice already deepened, and here is carver, 13 as well, old man. he was a fat puppy then, 8 weeks old, his belly big and warm and full of worms, the poor thing. He was the last of his litter, and was being kept alone in a pen in the yard. when we went to see him, the neighbor came by to complain about all the howling. I fell deeply in love at first sight. I was to be in vermont for a couple more days-carver and I moved over to corey's moms house, where dogs were allowed, and slept on the floor with him, curled up. I still have the pictures a friend took the first day I brought him home on my fridge. he was all ears then. I was unemployed, living off the end of my savings and with help from my sister. I loved that fall, spending all day out walking with carver, who would go and go and go until he fell asleep, instantly in a heap, where ever we happened to be. I used to love carrying him home, that warm bundle, those giant ears. our walks are so different now. I was excited just to get up and down parkton today, a good walk, not too many breaks to rest in neighbors yards-carver still resting where ever he sees fit. I still marvel at him. he still lives for a leaf pile, the deeper the better. still full of curiosity. still the determination to grab any and every snack he spots on the road. I marvel at his determination, his willingness to go slow, and to rest. his willingness to keep going, each shaky step. so much to be thankful for. 10 months of gratitude, 13 years of it.

i received a cheery email from a friend today-here is the line that made me smile
"Yesterday morning and this morning, as I was driving along Jamaica Way to the gym, I noticed a bundle of warm clothing walking a magnificent dog. And it was YOU!"

home vets

carver had his first visit with a pair of veterinarians whose practice is all house calls. I found them over the summer, while I was researching for vets who would be able to help with at home euthanasia, if we have to face that awful decision in the future. carver has had less mobility lately, first not wanting to go into the kitchen, then the walks began to get shorter, with more frequent rests. he becomes dead weight when he does not want to go in the direction. anyway, we had suspected that his difficulty in walking was in part due to his nails getting too long, and his not being able to gain purchase on the slick linoleum. at first I began to see if I could find a groomer who could come over to trim his nails (carver has never been able to stand me doing this, and I have not been able to stand it either). but e pointed out that it may be something else-and I thought of the home vets. they were wonderful-two female vets who work in tandem. we were outside when they arrived, and they honked and waved as they drove by. carver was smothered with pats and kisses and compliments. he was thrilled-visitors! we made our way into the house, and they continued to praise and pet carver while i filled them in with how I have been treating him and the story of his cancer. then they began to examine him, an extension of the petting. they listened to his heart and lungs, looked into his eyes and ears, checked all his limbs, flexing and extending his joints, all the things he would have done at the regular vets, all on the comfort of his own cushion. although we love love love dr. w, it was wonderful to not have to out carver through the stress of the vets visit. and it is a huge comfort to have more folks on carver's team. and what a kind and compassionate and wonderful team he has all around-dr. w, janice the acupuncturist, saint lili, the expert elder dog care giver, e, mother number 2 extraordinaire and carver's best pal, and now the awesome home vet ladies. and the happy news-they were way impressed with carver's overall health, all things considered. they said his eyes looked great, heart sounded strong. his right lung sounded a little odd, but she said it could be "old dog lung" and not due to a lung met. the main issue now is his arthritis. they suggested adding fish oil & glycosomine, both of which I have in the house, and adding a warm compress to his front right shoulder at tonight while we are cozy on the couch. between this visit and the wonderful winning of president obama, I feel my body relaxing for the first time in months. what sweet relief!

sumac

my heart is still racing, having just had a big scare. carver and i had just returned from a good walk, to the wild flower meadow and back. carver was in good spirits, and full of energy, his digestion just returning to normal after a few days of being sick. the field is dotted with sumac, long feather branches glowing crimson in the gray light. the tall grass has been battered down in spots, in every direction, looking like churned up water. I sat on the porch smoking when we got back, carver laying on the door mat, barking at every passer by. we came in, my voice light with the promise of supper, when carver, hopping at the anticipation of food, slid on an patch of wood floor, twisting his remaining front foot. he went down to the floor with a high pitched cry, one I have not heard since he was a pup and lost a foot down into a large holed drainage grate in a stretch of tall grass. I helped him up, my arms around his belly, trying to get him over to his bed, two footed, him not wanting to put any pressure on the remaining. I stroked his leg gently, feeling for breaks, bending his ankle a centimeter to the left, then up, the the right and back. in a moment he leaped up to eat the food in his bowl, then over to get a drink of water, then back to his bed. he is till laying here panting, myself the human equivalent. how precious that leg is, how fragile, and important. life sustaining. over the months I have stopped the steady stream of nightmarish scenarios that could equal carver's end. but here we are. we need that leg. he cant survive without it. I will give carver pain killers and keep him quiet for the next couple of days-no more walks until I am sure he has healed. I cant help but dwell on how just a few moments ago all that was on my mind was the sumac, how many colors of red it turned, and whether or not they began dark then lightened, or the other way around.

wards

carver and I walked down to ward's pond this morning. the heat of the past couple months has kept us much closer to home, so it had been a long while. I had not set out for ward's, having accepted some time ago that carver could not manage the long walk. but as we skirted the edge of the wildflower field, touching the edge of the path that led down into the dark woods, I decided to enter. it was a cool morning, gray, the paths smelling rich with decaying leaves. rabbits ran past, and squirrels could be seen by the handful. dozens of blackbirds were tucked in the piles of leaves, the leaves rolling like a pot of boiling water. the sumac that stretches out over the pond gleamed bright crimson. the lily pads have disintergrated in their place, leaving a shadowy gray pattern on the surface of the water. carver walked all the way to the pond without stopping to rest, stepped into the water ankle deep, and began to drink. we climbed up the hill slowly, and I suddenly felt as if my father were walking along beside us. the walk reminded me of so many similar walks i took with my dad as a child. me, lost in my senses, eyes to the ground searching for treasure, he lost in thought, but still with me, neither of us talking. a peaceful silence, a sanctuary, where living meant taking one step, and then another, nothing to do, or to figure out, or to plan. carver was the child now, even in his old age, taking in every scent, every texture and sound. and even though my thoughts would wander, I was with him, taking in all that was around us, and him, the wonder of him and the gift of the morning. I feel like carver and I both got to expereince a piece of ourselves that has been missing for awhile, our best selves, the parts of us that are as wild and curious as the rabbits, as close to the earth as the decaying leaves.

old dogs

I just heard that another one of carver's peers died last weekend.. timmer lived around the corner, a sweet lab mix. it was through the dogs that I met our friend paula. timmer had been walking slowly, he had arthritis, but when she brought him in to the vet it ended up that he had a cancerous tumor that was pressing on his heart. within days it had traveled to his lungs. most of the dogs carver played with at the dog park are gone now-roger, gracie, wolfie,whose real name was wolfgang, lucy the sheep dog, tango the giant lab who would bark at the people doing thai chi. dog after dog, leaving us one by one. lili walked carver yesterday afternoon, while I had to stay late at work to teach a class, and she said she took him over to the baseball field. she said she was not sure if she should have taken him on such a long walk-his back legs have been really shaky-but what if this was the last time he got to goto the field? I was stunned to hear this-I have not been thinking of carver as dying for a while now-just shaky and achy and old, but not dying. so to hear someone else considering him in this way was a shock of sorts. but this way of thinking did not seem so far out of reach from the truth. just a different point of view. this morning I learned that my high school art teacher died over the weekend from cancer. then I took carver out and ran into paula, who told me about timmer. it is a really sad day. such a reminder of how much to be grateful for, in this moment. today I am here, e is here, my family is here, here on earth, all my dear friends around the country are here, waking up, drinking coffee, going to work. and carver is here, shaky legs and all. let me be awake enough in every moment to feel the wonder and gratitude that, for this moment, so many of us are enjoying the gift of being alive.

butterfly field

another glorious walk in the butterfly field, a patch of land not mown by the city, in hopes of restoring it to Olmstead's original glory. carver walked waist high in clover and queen anne's lace. we ran into neighborhood friends, who had not seen carver in some time. my heart felt full, awake with the company of carver. the sweet smell of him. taking in his delight in the tall grass. i want to be this present on every walk. to enjoy every afternoon with him. each one is a gift.

late summer/early fall

carver and i just came back from a glorious walk, after a sleepless night. carver came down with a bought of diarrhea last night, which kept us both up all night, taking trips out into the yard, the motion security light guiding our way through the darkness. I ended up sleeping on the couch, listening to his every breath, fully clothed, waiting to jump up and take him out again. but when i arrived home this afternoon, carver seemed cheerful and rested. we began our walk like all our walks these days, by sitting in the yard, carver lying down in the dirt, me on the stoop, reading. I heard a scratching sound coming from the other side of a 10 foot wooden fence that divides our yard from the neighbors. up popped a young red cat, surveying the situation. carver got up closer to sniff, his breath shallow as he took in the kittens scent. then he began to bark, not in anger but curiosity. who are you, what are you doing there, what are you going to do next? the kitten sat on top of the fence, unphased by carer's deep bark. eventually he turned his body and returned to his own yard. carver, inspired by the interaction, decided it was time for a proper walk. I followed carver's lead, heading up the hill, which we have not done in some time. carver seemed to enjoy marking his old territory, climbing into peoples little street side gardens. we took a res tor two, but his back legs, shaky almost all the time now, held strong.
its a beautiful afternoon, long shadows and clean crisp air. the leaves on the tree outside are just beginning to show flashes of gold. squirrels have been eating the faces of the sunflowers I planted in front of the house in April. we seem to be right at the edge between summer and fall. going in to our forth season of three legged carver. I am so glad he still with us, able to enjoy both of our favorite seasons. carver loves to run through piles of crunchy leaves, taking in the cool air. how amazing this old dog is to me-his strength and his joy.

carver relaxing on a walk with e while I was in san francisco

well, we made it, carver and me. I made it to california and back, had a good visit with my sister and my nephew and my brother in law. and carver did great, hanging out with e and lili, sleeping late, staying up later, and having lots of adventures, including a trip to logan to pick me up! I have to admit I felt very at ease while away, knowing carver was in such good hands. it felt good to take a little break from being primary care taker, and I got a chance to really relax.

carver has been CLINGY since I got back. if we are in the kitchen, and carver was in the living room (the next room over) he will cry & cry, instead of just getting up and coming in. I have been trying to stay close, although I had to work the day after I got back. but my afternoons are his-chilling in the yard, cozy on the couch-whatever he wants. I missed him. I am happy to comfort him now that I am home.

here is a picture of the folks I was visiting. look at that baby!

I'm doing it

I am going to california. I have scheduled, cancelled and rescheduled this trip a million times, and now I am going. I have not left carver overnight since the diagnosis. e will be home to care for him, and lili will be by in the afternoons. I am not worried, exactly. I guess mainly I will miss him. and I do not want HIM to worry. california! thats a long ways away! and what will I do with no dog beside me? I guess I can pat my nephew-eli should provide enough distraction. so, if you are local and a FOC, drop by, give him a pat, tell him I love him and will be home soon!

we walk, and rest

gosh, I have not been writing much these days. it is partially a reflection of the normalcy that carver and I have fallen into. we take short walks. we sit on the side of the road a lot, resting between bouts of carver leaping, sniffing, marking his territory. we jump up to great other dogs, despite any tiredness carver is feeling in the moment. he still takes derramaxx in the morning, although he has not had a tramadol in a long while. janice the acupuncturist still comes every three weeks to give carver a treatment, which I think helps him a lot. we hang out together every afternoon in the house, eating snacks, visiting with the cats.

but partially it is my not wanting to think of carver and cancer. I know this truth rests in the back of my mind always, but in the day to day I see him more as old man carver then cancer patient. his turning 13 was such a milestone. the party was cheery, but distracting in a way-I have not really let sink in-13! that is an excellent age for a big old dog. and carver is a grand 13, still full of life and happiness.

I am going to california in 6 days, to visit my sister and nephew, and will be gone for 4. e will stay home to take care of carv, along with our angel friend auntie lili, patron saint of old ailing dogs. lili is willing to sit outside with carver for 2 hours if that is what he feels like doing. it is a huge comfort to have lili in our lives-having help is HUGE. with e and lili I have a dream team of support, and know that carver is well cared for. but of course I feel sick about leaving. the thing that is hardest about having a dog is that you can't explain what is happening in the moment-4 days isn't a concept he can grasp (or can he? some folks who are into animal communication would disagree). I will explain it to him anyway. i guess a few days not being in care taker mode will be good for me (but there will be that baby...). and san francisco is wonderul. I don't know-I wish I could feel excited, but for now I am settling for not too freaked out.

so that is how we are! I want to extend lots of love to all FOC (friends of carver) especially those folks whose dogs have osteosarcoma.

me holding up carver's portrait

in front of the window with a beware of the dog sign, that includes a drawing of carver as well.
painting by the incredible andrea sparks, beware of dog sign by me.

happy 7th month anniversary carver

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Carver turned 13 on friday, and we had a party to celebrate. his pal lili took him for a walk when she arrived, which was wonderful, allowing me to continue to get the party set up. lots of friends came, and there were many excellent presents, including a new stuffed squirrel, lots of treats, colored tennis balls, a wonderful photograph of carver in the spring time, under a flowering tree, and, best of all, an amazing portrait painted by our artist friend andrea. carver loved having lots of guests and being the center of attention. he received lots of pats, and basked in the limelight. the night took a turn when two visiting dogs had an altercation, in which e's hand ended up in the middle of. she got a good bite-puncture wound and a large cut on the side of her hand. a friend took her to the emergency room while I tried to entertain guests, but I was filled with shock and worry-not a very good hostess! but everyone was sweet and helpful, and the emergency room was not too crowded so e made it back before the party ended. carver crashed around midnight on the living room couch, but we stayed up with some friends talking till 3 a.m. we went to bed around 4, and e, carv and I laid low yesterday, lounging around in the living room all day. a memorable evening all around!

7 months is amazing-carver continues to do well. he did not do too much walking this morning, but has been a great spirits and enjoys hanging out in the shade. all his hair has finally grown back in, and he looks great. wow! 7 months!!! the party decorations are still hanging and the house looks cheery. today is another day to celebrate!

in just two days carver will turn 13!

and we are celebrating. if you are local and want to say happy birthday to carver, drop me an email & I will send you the address!

thunderstorms

carver and i are sitting in the dark, waiting out another thunderstorm-it has pretty much rained here every day since june-a tropical summer! the sunflowers like it. I Just wish it did not have to happen every day during our walk time!

carver has been doing great since our visit with dr. walker-he has remained bright and happy. without a car we have been neighborhood bound, but that has been fine. we signed up for zip car so we can still get over to the arboretum every so often.

carver, e and I had a crazy week, with my big sis visiting with my nephew elijah. carver liked the baby, gave him a few good licks, but our cat blackie was obsessed, sleeping with the baby every night and following it around the apartment. it seems like we went from visiting straight into a busy week of work & plans. but we have exciting things coming up!

carver's 13th birthday is a week from tomorrow and we are having a party to celebrate. back in january I would never have imagined we would be having this celebration. e made beautiful invitations and I have been emailing friends who I will not see before hand.
i promise to post lots of pictures! carver's 7th month anniversary is right behind the birthday, so there is a lot to celebrate and be grateful for.

a great check up with dr. walker!

we rented a car today to take carver in to see dr. walker. He was really happy with how carver was doing, and said he looked great! lungs sounding clear, heart strong. dr. w was really impressed with how well carver is doing 6 months + after surgery. needless to say e and I are relieved and happy. janice the acupuncturist also noted how well carver seemed to her-coat looking good, all the hair having grown back finally. eyes bright, full of zest. what a difference a few days can make. I am glad we took him in today-it feels good to have an objective set of eyes and hands check carver out. we are so sensitive to the subtle day to day changes in his energy and attitude-it remains difficult not to jump to the worse case senario when every a bad couple of days rolls around. but for today I feel set free, and able to focus on my sister coming to visit with my new nephew! and to have some time off to relax and enjoy theirs and carver's company. hurrah for carver!

the reason I love jamaica plain

is that, when walking carver, an old hippie grandma will pull her mini van over, get out of the car, and give carver a reiki treatment on the street!

its been a tough couple of weeks. e and I have been seeing a shift in carver-sleeping a little longer, and more deeply, not wanting to walk much at all, panting with his lungs sounding full. we have been preparing for the last stage of carver's life. the congestion propted us to make an appointment with dr walker, which is tomorrow afternoon. I am afraid of what we might find tomorrow, but the truth will be better than this constant wondering.

so anyway, carver didn't walk to walk this morning-not even over to the tree for a pee. I came home early from work, put carver's jacket on him, and headed out into the yard. we did the usual laying around in the yard. once we got back out onto the street, carver bolted across over to the parking lot, then up the hill! having left the house without the leash, I attatched the lanyardy thing I keep my keys onto his harness, and we walked the loop of parkton. it was on the top of the street that we met the hippie lady. we also saw rory, carver's greyhound friend, and a couple of nice neighbors. it was a cheery surprise, and a delight to see carver having so much fun and full of beans!

looking toward the future, I did find a vet that makes house calls, and we have enchanged wonderful emails that are full of compassion and kindness. she is also affordable, which many of the home visit vets I first found were not. so I am relieved to have this option in place. I think tomorrow will be carver's last visit with dr. walker-(e's car broke down for good last week, and he is 45 minutes away-we had to rent a car to go tomorrow). unless there is an emergency, that we will try to take care of carver at home.

today is the 6 month anniversary of carver's amputation!

and it is a wonderful reason to celebrate. always on the anniversary date I think of those cold dark days helping carver into the snowy yard using a rigged up sling, just grateful to get him up and down the stairs in once piece. I never thought we would get to this hot and humid season, carver and I laying down in front of the fan.

so let me take this moment to share some of the gratitude that I feel,
for carver's playfulness today, despite the heat, teasing me with a giant branch in the yard.
for the way he gets up excitedly and runs to our bedroom when its time to sleep.
for the sound of his three legs trotting across the kitchen floor when it is time to eat.
for the way he springs up when he sees another dog coming his way, wanting to say hello.
for how cozy he is, always in the same room, resting at my feet.
for his sweetness, the way he gently licks my arm.
for the sound of his tail thumping against the floor, even when he is still laying completely down on the ground.
for his velvety ears.
for all the crazy white hairs that have spread all over his belly.
for his enthusiasm for going to his favorite haunts, even if it means just laying down there.
for all of this time, what a gift, our miracle old man, beating the odds.

I love you carver!

BLUE GREEN ALGAE CORRECTION!

thanks to a UH poster, I have discovered I am spreading misinformation! Wards, Leverret, and willow ponds have NOT been affected by the algae(that is not really an algae) . The problem area begins at the Agassiz bridge, which is in the Fenway, then heads down stream, towards the Charles. SO, jp dogs and friends, breathe easy-but be sure to tell your fenway and beyond friends the news!

blue green algae alert!

for all my boston dog friends-I have just learned that there are toxic levels of blue green algae in the muddy river. this includes wards, leverett, and willow ponds. this algae is know to be very toxic to dogs, and can be fatal if ingested. I know carver and I both are sad not to be playing in the ponds. here is the email I received about it. be safe puppies!

From Kate Bowditch:
Hello MMOC members-

Today while CRWA staff were out doing some water quality monitoring on the Muddy River, they saw obvious signs of blue-green algae (more formally called cyanobacteria, and not a true algae). While all algae stresses the river when in excess, blue-green algae in rivers and ponds is a particular concern because it can produce toxins which can cause allergic reactions in people upon contact, and has in some cases been known to kill dogs who drink it. We have been monitoring this problem on the Charles for several years, and when blue-green algae "blooms" reach dangerous levels, DCR posts signs warning the public about the potential risk and advising them to avoid contact with the water and to keep pets out of the water.
Our meter tests indicate levels of blue-green algae that are at or near the threshold for these warnings at the Agassiz Bridge, and visual indications of the blue-green algae continue downstream towards Charlesgate. Upstream of the Agassiz Bridge this problem was not observed. CRWA will conduct follow-up monitoring early next week and we will report to this body, as well as to DCR and other interested groups.

I have notified DCR of our findings, and suggested that they contact Hugh, as well as the Emerald Necklace Conservancy, if they feel it is appropriate to post warnings so that he can help, and perhaps recruit volunteers to help hang signs.

At these levels, given the uses of the Muddy River, I believe the main concern is to ensure that people do not let their dogs swim in our drink the water in the river where the blue-green algae is present. Fishing could pose some risks as well since fishermen could contact toxins as they handle fish and equipment. People walking along the banks are not considered at risk.
The main causes of blue-green algae blooms are warm temperatures, and high levels of nutrients, mainly phosphorus, in the water, especially water that is shallow and slow-moving. More information about blue-green algae can be found on the CRWA website at www.charlesriver.org.

Please pass the word to interested parties.

once again, the good and the bad

this afternoon we met up with a friend of e's and her beagle pedro over at the pond. we drove carver to the pond, parking on the side of perkins street that is close to the beach. carver had such an amazing walk! he was so excited to be there, walking in the water, checking out the other dogs, laying down in the water, being fed pretzels from the kindest little bruiser of a boy I have ever met. being hugged by strangers, running into old friends like mandy and phoebe. it was a wonderful time. I was really marveling at how well he was doing-it feels like it has been a long time since we have had a fun romp like that. with the weather being so sticky carver and I have been mostly going on short walks up and down the street in the morning, then just hanging out in the yard in the afternoons. on the weekends e and i always take him at least once to the arboretum, but the pond really lit him up like nowhere else.

on the way to the "dog bowl", a field next to the pond where all the dogs of jp come to sniff and mark and play, carver fell down, and cried out in pain. I saw the tail end of the fall, but not the whole thing. afterwards, he was visibly in pain in his back right leg. this is the leg that has been giving him trouble over these past few months. it is his left front that is missing, so it is the opposite leg. we managed to walk him back to the car, assisting him at times by holding the handle of his harness, him running at times, which I think he does to push through the pain. I gave him some lunch and 2 tramadol-his first in over a month. e and I headed out to do some grocery shopping. when we came home carver greeted us at the door, but he was trying not to put any weight on that back leg. we have been worried about that leg for some time. it is scrawny, and feels weak. I did not want to think about it further than to say "o.k., bed rest and tramadol for the next few days and we will see how he does" but e gently mentioned that it could be a sign of something worse, the cancer returning or even just his leg getting too weak to support him. a sign of something that will lead us to the next something. as soon as this reality cracked its way into my stone wall of denial, I burst into tears. these past few weeks I have been living under the illusion of "I have finally got this taking care of carver thing down-I do not obsess over him dying, I really am just taking it day by day". but then there I find myself, pushing his illness & impending death away. I am not being present, I am just selectively thinking. often, when I think I am doing well, staying in the present moment, I am not allowing myself to feel anything. I think I have been really checked out these past few weeks. there has to be a middle ground for me between being grief stricken and numbed out. it reminds me of a line from a Rumi poem-"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I will meet you there." I long to find this ground.

I emailed two vets who do home visits today, in preparation for the future. The Irish part of me has been putting this off-it feels like I am cursing myself to even let the thought in, never mind be doing the leg work in anticipation, but the practical (still Irish) side of me won. I would not want to be online, calling a stranger in carver's time of need, in the midst of him, and myself, suffering through the process of his dying. so I sent the emails. I am full of dread. I keep silently sending out wishes to god and the ancestors and spirits, and anyone else who will listen, "this does not mean I want this to happen, it does not mean I am ready, or that carver is ready"-but really, how much control (or pull) do I think I have? praying for me as a little girl always felt more like collective bargaining. now, as a practicing Buddhist and a superstitious lapsed catholic (who makes sure her family knows that she wants last rites, just in case) I have given in to the truth that I just do not know what I believe in, in regards to the after life. I want to believe in heaven, so I will see my father again. but I believe in reincarnation, have felt connections to people and places that felt unmistakably old, older than myself. I feel jealous of the folks on the bone cancer dogs support group, who believe their dogs are somewhere called the rainbow bridge, legs restored, playing together, waiting to be reunited with their people. I would give a lot to believe that in my heart, but I can't. for the time being I have to be content with letting the mystery be.

so, in all of this, carver rests at my feet. the tramadol has made him comfortable. he still came trotting in the kitchen to beg for some of our supper. he ate an extra cup of kibble. he let me poke and prod and move his leg around a bit, but I could tell he wasn't too thrilled with the activity. so I am back to where I started-a couple days of tramadol, bed rest, then we will see how he is doing.

arboretum trips

a beautiful foggy evening at the arboretum


carver laying under an umbrella of flowers


and hiding in the tall cabbage


getting a drink from a puddle fresh from the storm


and then laying beside it

california

so I am thinking about going to California for four days in a couple of weeks to visit my sister and my new nephew whom I have not met yet-I had a trip planned in january, but I cancelled it when carver got diagnosed. the ticket is going to expire soon, and I really want to go, but am totally conflicted because of carver. e will stay home to take care of him. but I am so nervous that he will down slide because I am away. is this totally irrational? I figured it would be better to go soon, since carver has been doing so well lately, then to wait and be more uncertain. its the howling in the morning that gets me, he does not even like me going to work. and he is so used to me being home all the time-I had a hard time just going to dinner the other night. but I know it is important to keep on living in this time, and I so want to meet eli. It has been hard to live with so much uncertainty, but i think it is time.

on a very short walk this evening

(we are taking 15 minutes) carver met a new corgie named jake, a deep red retriever named finn who carver liked so much he tried to mount him (with only one leg!) then we saw, separately, in no relation to each other, two cats being walked on leashes-one man, one woman, who I believe are destined to meet. and neither of them were manny, who is always out walking his cat whiskey. who would have thought parkton road would have 3 cats on leashes at the same time! an eventful walk!

the update is

that there is not much of an update! I am home on the couch with a cold, carver is lying next to me, content. carver has been doing well this week-lots of energy, good walks, cozy at all times and sleeping in the room with us every night, which I love. carver has continued to howl when I leave for work-its become his new morning ritual. e is not happy-I have had breakfasts all week so I leave for work at 5:30 a.m., which means carver is howling at 5:30! it breaks my heart that he is so unhappy that I have left-I have got to go make some money to keep us in kibble! carver has always been a quiet dog, so this is a bit of a surprise. I will talk to the acupuncturist about it on monday, to see if she has any suggestions. one thing to be grateful for-carvers howling spot of choice is in the living room, not under our upstairs neighbors bed rooms! I am going to shut the living room door tomorrow morning to see if this helps e at all.

a walk and a scare

carver and I went to the pond today-I was not planning on it, but he really wanted to go, and I thought we should, with the cool breeze and it not being too hot outside-god only knows how many days like this we have ahead. carver ran to the pond. we walked around "the house" which we used to do back when there actually was a house there. now it is just two plane trees in a giant fenced in area. it was the pinebrook mansion, a hotly debated piece of crumbling property that the city finally decided to tear down. we miss it. it has excellent graffiti if flying bats on the side.

anyway, carver did well. I took a bunch of pictures, but cannot find my usb cable anywhere for this tiny camera. we rested behind the house. sniffed some small dogs-only small dogs at the pond today-strange. he howled along with a fine engine.

but it was on the way back, when carver was resting and another engine flew by, when he was howling, that I heard it. a rattle, a raspy sound when he breathed deeply in to howl. it sent chills up my spine. Lung metastases are the most common with bone cancer, and without an x-ray are asymptomatic until they get bad. Carver does pant a lot, but I have been chocking it up to the heat. now I am not so sure. and I am totally unsure of how to proceed. do we get the lung x-rays, just to know? we are not going to put him through surgery again. what would knowing do? I feel scared, and sad. It is possible that it could be do to allergies-his eyes and nose have been congested, and these are not symptoms, so perhaps his lungs are clogged as well. I am going to call dr. w to see if we could try benadryl first to see if it is at all helpful.

ever since my dream the other night, I have had a sense of dread underneath all my feelings, a sense of time passing too quickly, of the days running out. I do not want to lose him and I do not want to see him suffer and I do not want to have to make any decisions. plain and simple. I want it all to go away. If carver has to die I want it to be pain free and in his sleep, along with everyone else I love and everyone else. I am just not sure how to face this.

but I want you to know, carver had a wonderful walk. he rested in the tall grass, howled and sniffed and ran and chewed sticks. he loves the pond best of all, his old stomping ground, the puppy play groups, dogs toppling over one another while their owners huddled, drinking coffee and gossiping. running away from the rangers, swimming and chasing squirrels, five minutes away from home, the place where every dog in jp ended up at one point in the day. I am so glad we went to the pond today. I am so happy to be here on the couch with him right now.

A letter to the vet who first diagnosed carver

Dear Dr. M

On January 11 of this year you diagnosed my 12 year old Lab/Shepard/Border collie mix Carver with osteosarcoma. You told us that there was nothing we could do, that he would die within one to two weeks, and that we should consider putting him down, as soon as that same day. We were sent home with a weeks worth of tramadol and an awful decision to make.

After the initial shock wore off, my partner and I took out our computers and began to do research, in hopes of achieving a greater understanding of what carver was going through. We discovered that many dogs have the limb of the tumor site amputated to relieve them of the pain of the cancer. We called a veterinarian we trust who works at the VCA in Weymouth to get a second opinion.

One of the reasons we chose to seek out a second opinion was that Carver did not seem different. He did not exhibit any change in personality that would indicate that he was ready to move on from this life. I could not match the diagnosis with the dog in front of me. We knew going in that amputation might only give us an additional 3-4 months. But we thought it was worth a shot, to have some time to give Carver all the life he wanted, to do all the things he loves to do, and to slow down at his own pace. With the intention of giving Carver the best end of life possible, and with the support of Dr. Walker, 5 days after his diagnosis Carver's leg was amputated.

Today marks the five month anniversary of Carver's surgery. I can honestly say that in these 5 months Carver has led a happy, active, joyful senior life. Although he has slowed down some, with the help of Derramaxx and an occasional Tramadol, Carver enjoys twice daily walks and visits to the Jamaica Pond and the Arboretum. He loves being outside, loves being with us in all that we do, and remains the dog we always knew.

I am writing because I wanted you to know that your initial prognosis was wrong. At the time of diagnosis, you did not present us with any treatment options. Had we followed your advice, we would be marking a much different anniversary today. A veterinarian's responsibility is to diagnose, and to lay out all options available, to to help guide the caretaker to the most appropriate option for their animal. A pet owner should be given the respect that they know their animal best, and their experience and intuition should be included in the making of any treatment plan.

We know that we will lose Carver sometime soon, most likely to this cancer. These past five months have truly been a blessing. At five months, we have beaten the statistics of a dog with amputation and no further treatment. We are grateful for every day we have with him.

I am writing this not out of anger, but with the sincere hope that this experience will be of help to you in your practice, and that Carver's experience will be of benefit to your clients, especially the seniors and the dogs who are given the hard diagnosis of cancer.

Sincerely,

happy 5 month anniversary carver!

today marks 5 months since carver's amputation surgery. 5 months! and here we are on a lazy cloudy afternoon, cuddled up on the couch. carver has been doing well, congested but happy. I found out that congestion is not a sign of lung mets, so I feel a little more at ease. carver does have a bump that is boney feeling on his rib that I am worried about, but have been pushing out if my mind, wanting to focus on NOW-5 months! 4 1/2 more months then we were first given! 1 month more than the statistics! I try to not worry all the time, and sometimes I succeed, although I wonder if it is really "stuffing away" rather than "not worrying". I awoke from a dream last night that a vet had moved into our triple decker, and i asked him if, when the time came, he could help carver over to the other side, here at home. I woke to carver panting, needing to go outside. I did not remember the dream until later on this afternoon while I was at work, and it came as a shock. I guess a part of me is always anticipating the end, although i am glad that the other parts are more focused on celebrating, especially on an auspicious day like today.

a quick update

I have not been writing much these days-my mom and step dad are visiting, and the heatwave came and put both carver and me in a catatonic state. carver has not been doing well in the heat, so we have not been walking much, so there has not been much to write about. but, truth be told, carver is doing wonderfully. he is in good spirits, and we both have been going with the flow of the weather and all the activity around the house. carver loves having visitors (he especially loves joe) and has been happy to have so much company. all is well!

the new normal

carver just came back from a good walk in the rain. we walked across the field where the ice skating rink used to be. we are so happy to see the no mow signs in the field, where the Shasta daisies are already up and blooming. the field has been mowed the last couple of years, much to our heart break. but the folks who are trying to restore all of Olmsted park to its original glory are on the watch. soon the daisies will give way to black eyed susans, queen Anne's lace in the fall, whose sturdy cups will hold puffs of new fallen snow come winter. time is on my mind these days, time passing. while carver has had his ups and downs, the new normal-these ups and downs-and while I learn to keep flexible in my mind and let him do what he needs, I have been stuffing down some deep feelings of despair. In the back of my mind I know that each day is one day closer to losing carver. i know i should not feel that way. I have been trying to stay cheerful and present and grateful for every moment, and for the most part I can. when he layed down in the tall wet grass, his face was filled not with pain or exhaustion, but elation. I laughed just looking at that big wet snout, covered in pollen. but underneath the joy is a deep sadness, and a whole bunch of fear. all of this has manifested as exhaustion , and a total lack of willingness to do much of anything these days. after therapy yesterday, with some good crying, and meditation practice today, I am feeling, well, better? maybe just feeling, period. I keep circling back to the truth of losing him, and the pain of that, and how afraid I am-afraid to be with out him, the fear of seeing him in pain, the fear of knowing what to do, of reading him right, of knowing when to let go.

carver and e's trip to the arb while i was at work

carver in the lush grass, alone....

and with a friend!

carver is back!

carver was raring to go this morning, again, after a fine walk yesterday afternoon. We headed down to daisy field where we met a puppy boxer named jake, and a couple of other nice dogs. the best thing was that we ran into our friend pamela with her pack of old dogs, who we have not seen since this ground was still snowy. she called out to us-'its great to see your dog looking so fabulous, darling!" I agree!!

its been a couple of rough days,

after a couple of really fun ones. maybe they were too much fun. e and I were both really craving to get out of town and into some nature last sunday, and to see something new. we headed west, first to concord, where we took carver for a walk at fairey pond, a pond very close to Walden, but where dogs are allowed (and off leash to boot!). carver loved fairey pond, especially its muddy banks. right away he ended up stuck in a deep decline by the water, climbing down to retrieve someones lost tennis ball. I climbed down, grabbed the ball and using his red handle hauled him up. he looked happy, and very interested in the ball. like a complete idiot I tossed the ball down the path-sure enough, it went right down the embankment, and carver right back down. this time he ended up stuck knee deep in a thick mud. a couple of times he tried to lift up his front, only to end up face down in the water. terrified I scrambled down, hauled him out of the mud and back up. he immediately shook himself off, covering my new white shirt in mud flecks. again, what was I thinking? a white shirt? carver went back on the leash until we reached a clean sandy beach to do dipping into the pond. we met a beautiful newfoundland puppy who showed off his swimming skills while carver layed down in the shallow water. we hung out for awhile, watching the pup swim by his toy in the middle of the pond that his owners were trying to get him to retrieve. finally success, with e walking into the pond in her crocs to grab the toy once it got close enough to the shore. we walked up the path aways, carver beside me, when I turned around a saw that carver had got his remaining front foot stuck in a deep hole left by soil washed away around the roots of a tree. I told him to stop (but really, he was not going any where), and lifted him out. what a crazy combination of beauty and stress!

from there we headed to conservation land in carlisle, which has an ice cream stand next to some cows, sheep and goats. carver has never been able to get so close to farm animals before-he gave them a sniff and seemed more interested in looking for dropped cheerios on the ground, but the cows were VERY interested in him. e and I got cones (mint chip for me, butter pecan for her) and carver got a small vanilla, which he loved. it was a challenge to get him to not eat the paper cup!

we ended up driving to rockport for dinner, which is a long drive, and by the end we could really see that carver was uncomfortable-wit his one front leg it is difficult for him to maneuver himself in the back seat, and we could tell he really wanted to shift his weight around. we were all happy to be home after such a long adventure. e and I agreed that we do not want to do anything on the weekends that does not involve carver. it is too much fun to be with him, and every day is a blessing.

well, he was doing o.k. on monday-we all slept in, and had a short walk in the arboretum later that day, but by yesterday carver was visibly in pain. e gave him tramadol in the morning, and I did again in the afternoon. carver did not want to walk at all tuesday morning, nor did he in the afternoon. he was breathing very hard all night, and it was difficult to figure out if it was the meds (which can cause panting, but have not in him so far) if he needed to got the bathroom or if he was in unbearable pain. I kept rubbing him, trying to get him to settle down, and noticed that he has some small scraped on his remaining front leg. when we touch one he flinched. none of us got any sleep last night-first e woke up, then c then me. i was full of worry-if anything happens to that leg, we are in trouble. we need that leg!!! no walking again this morning, and i needed to bring him his food to get him to eat this morning. but by the time I arrived home this afternoon carver was ready to go. we walked all the way to the field before carver needed to rest. we rested a good bit on the tail leg of the walk, but it was a relief to see him so willing. he is laying beside me on the ground right now, both of us on his bed. he is panting some, but nothing like yesterday. I am going to hold out on giving him any drugs until before bed, unless something shifts. I want to examine that leg again, but am waiting for him to settle down a bit.

a couple of things are weighing on my mind right now-the first being that my letter to dr. m, the vet who diagnosed carver, is long over due. I need to express to her what I feel she did wrong, in the hopes that she will learn from it and not put anyone else through what we went through. If it were up to her we would have not had these 4+ months. the other thing is that I have been invited to visit one of my oldest pals in vermont in a couple of weeks, and have a plan to go, but I am full of worry about the whole thing and do not know if I can do it. I have not left carver fro longer than a work day since his diagnosis. I really want to go, and a part of me feels like it would be good for me to go, to have a couple of days not care taking. but I have so much doubt and worry, so much superstition and fear. and most of all, so much uncertainty. what if carver begins to down slide because I am not there? or just because its time-what if I miss this time with him and it is some of our last? don't I have the rest of my life to got vermont? is it selfish? or would I return replenished? the funny thing is, I do not feel drained. one of the biggest surprises about this whole thing is how much I love taking care of him. I really love it. it is sweet and dear and I feel lucky to to doing it. I never thought I would ever feel this way. so I am full of indecision.

happy memorial day!

carver finishes off his small vanilla

a mid week update

carver has been doing very well these days- I feel like I am in this quiet cozy daze of every thing being good and carver doing well and it is beautiful outside-o.k., the irish catholic in me is pretty sure I have just jinxed myself something awful. but really, things are good. carver and I have settled into this nice, intuitive pattern where we either go for a walk or we play ball in the yard-basically I just do whatever he seems to feel like doing in the moment. he has been playful and cozy and always wanting to be close. he sleeps in our bedroom again on most nights, howls some mornings when I leave for work, and is by my side the whole time I am home. and I am most most days by 3, so we have a lot of time to hang out together. it is a wonderful time. I feel like this is the first time I have not been completely stressed since carvers diagnosis, and it feels glorious. j just left after giving carver acupuncture, and he is sleeping on his bed at my feet. I have been noticing his hind legs seem weaker, but it hasn't really had too big of an effect on his mobility yet, so that is a blessing. he just has a hard time sitting down. j thought it was probably his back knees.

next up-posting one million beautiful pics of carver that e took over the weekend on a walk in the arboretum.

carver on his 4 month anniversary

today is carver's 4 month anniversary

of his amputation. a strange date to celebrate, I admit. even this morning I was looking at where the leg had been, remembering his long back stretches he used to do upon rising. he does a shorter, modified one, but it does not look as satisfying. it is a very significant day, though. the prognosis for a dog with bone cancer who has an amputation but no chemotherapy is 3-4 months. 3-4 months-we have beaten the odds! Back in January, when we received his awful diagnosis and was told he had a week to two to live, I never would have imagined we would still all be together on this glorious spring day. every day has been a blessing, but I would like to say that today is a little extra special, knowing we really have been given a gift with carver doing as well as he has been. it was a slow day in terms of walking. this morning was rainy and cold, and carver didn't want to get off the couch. then the clouds burned off, only to reveal a burning hot sun-too hot this time. we are waiting for just right. carver and I walked up to the store, and we rested A LOT on the way home. e returned from teaching and picked us up on ashcroft street. He is always so excited to see her, and he leaped up and ran to the car as soon she puled up. now, after lunch and a couple of tramadol carver is asleep at my feet, one paw resting on my ankle. sweet pup.

a walk of surprises

I forgot to give carver his derramaxx last night, so I was not surprised when he didn't want to go for a walk this morning. to be honest, I didn't push it-another early morning breakfast at work, another crazy day. but when I arrived home, carver was excited to go out. I have had a rough week, working a ton, and have been feeling run down, so I wanted to keep it to a short walk. we headed to the field where the Kelley rink used to be, in front of the paths to wards. carver was in full territory marking mode. once again he led me to the paths towards ward's. there are two paths that run parallel to each other, one hugging a stream that connects wards to willow pond. when we turned to walk on the outer path, to head back home, carver made a bee line to the stream, walking along with his paws in the water, like he always used to do. I walked down through the thicket to stay close to him, trying to stay out of the mud. mid stream, what did carver do but decide to lay down! in the stream! I sat close to him, and watched the cool water drift over his hips and legs. it looked good, cooling. dogs are amazing in their instinct to care for themselves. I know carver just loved the water, but I can't help but wonder how good it must have felt on his sore joints. I wanted to join him. we saw chipmunks on the walk running in the dead leaves, lily of the valley just opening its tiny white bells. the dandelions on the field are in full puff. we both were covered in inch worms. it took us a while to get back home, partially thanks to a baseball carver found and was very playful with. but his hips look sore, and he needed lots of resting to get back home. I was happy to arrive, help carver onto the porch and get him his supper. e is going to a play tonight and I have a surprise night off, so it is pizza and tv for c and I, and an early bedtime for us both.

read this book!!

I am about half way through this book, and I love it. Dr. Trout is a surgeon at Angell Memorial, the animal hospital up the street from my house. It is a wonderful look at animal health care, from the view of a veterinarian. This is a must read for anyone who has spent a good amount of time at the vet's office. Dr. Trout has a great sense of humor and tells stories with honesty and compassion. I could see many aspects of myself in the stories of the animal's owners and can recognize many aspects of the million vets carver has seen over the years as well. I appreciate Dr. Trout writing about veterinary training and interns, as I have had many bad experiences with young vets and it is the reason why I no longer use Angell Memorial, a teaching hospital. If I could be guaranteed Dr. Trout, maybe I would change my mind! At the heart of this book is the dog stories-inspiring, heart breaking and true. Dr. Trout takes a clear and funny look at the whole pet care industry from the inside-from what the vet is thinking about your big manila folder of internet research to the expense of it all- illuminating!

here is a link to an interview with Dr. Trout with Terry Gross on Fresh Air

after a couple of very spunky days

carver slowed down this afternoon on his walk-back to resting and taking our time. It feels a little like the movie awakenings. I could not help but feel a little disappointed that he was not magically cured for good. and of course, there are the questions-is it because its sunny?, because it is 60 F, not 50? was it because I had to take him on a short walk this morning so I could get to work in time to make muffins for a 7 a.m. breakfast? still, I should not complain, it was a fine walk. blue sky, lots of birds, we laid down in the tall grass, watching people jog by. but still..

I should have known it would be a good walk

when carver walked himself down the stairs while I was checking the mail. I was shocked! I always help him down. We headed down to the field for a short walk, but carver was full of energy and headed down the path to ward's pond. we have not been to wards in a long time-carver has not had the energy, and always saves it for going to the jamaica pond. a part of me had resigned myself to not being able to go down to wards, but it is my favorite walk. carver lead me right to the entrance, and down the path. there are a couple of oppertunities to branch off for a shorter walk, but when ever I suggested it carver pressed on. once we turned the bend, carver turned and went right into the thicket and headed straight for the flooded stream that feeds the pond. I made my way through the brush to find carver knee deep in mud, lapping at the water around him. I helped him out of the mud, but not before he slipped and fell face first into the thick black muck. we walked to the pond proper so carver could drink and clean off his feet. the whole walk was wonderful. he was so full of energy and cheer. we rested here and there, but he always jumped up ready for more. there were dogs to visit and we saw a beautiful red winged black bird. the walk home was fun, carver still playful and feeling good. he even came back outside with me to sniff around the yard while I took out the recycling. a big cookie for him, and then some supper. what an amazing gift, how wonderful to see carver so happy and full of life and curiosity. my heart is full from the day.

after being home sick with the flu for 2 days

we decided to go for a walk to the pond.

at first there was lots of running


and exploring



there were a lot of dogs to meet

including a pup

this all brought about a great thirst...








and then some fine resting by the water, where it was much cooler.


we were out for a long time, both of us being happy to be out in the sunshine after a couple of days inside. carver is incredibly sweet when I am sick, staying close by at all times and asking for nothing. Luckily e took him on some fine adventures while I stayed on the couch. I am so happy to be back up and outside with c! now we are on the porch, me typing, c barking at everyone who walks, bikes or jogs by.

multiple dog by pomsmith

despite the cold rain this morning

carver was raring to go. we went for a fun walk to the field down the street. I just have to say in writing, carver has been doing amazingly well. on the couch, on the street, wolfing his food, crying for pizza crusts, hopping at the door to go out, cozy asleep, going for rides-he has just been doing great, and for the first time since that awful day in january I see him as my dog carver-not a cancer patient, not someone to take care of, not a situation to research, fret over, a constant worry, not dying. not dying. he is carver, my pup, and I am filled with gratitude that he is here beside me.

view from the porch

a short walk today

carver seemed to be in some pain today, which made sense. he was sick last night, wanting to throw up, and finally had diarrhea instead. I ended up not feeding him this morning, in case his stomach was still unsettled-I cannot sit with the idea of him home needing to go out with no one to help him-anyway, no breakfast meant no derramaxx, and he was feeling it this afternoon. we made it over to the field where the ice skating rink used to be and back, with LOTS of rests. instead of walking we hung out on the front porch-e had decorated the porch with new chairs, an amazing rocker and a beautiful flowered table cloth that looks like it is from the 50's for my birthday. I planted the pansies I bought last weekend (that I almost killed) while carver relaxed on his sheep skin. it was wonderful just to be outside with him. it made me excited to go buy a new rake to clean the yard this weekend-another outside activity I can do with c. again, it is nice to find new options when the old ones are not working any more.

pond walk

we just got back from a good walk to the pond. carver has had a lot of enthusiasm since acupuncture this week. with the rains finally behind us, we have really enjoyed being outside.
carver can make it to the pond in 10 minutes, with only one rest on the way. the walk home is longer, but I am convinced it is 50% tiredness, 50% not wanting to go home. I keep hearing e's voice at the time of diagnosis, saying "if only we could get him to the nice weather", and here we are. 60 degrees and sunny, trees blooming and the ground a thick green carpet. wild chives bursting up in clumps for c to pee on, grass to nibble. and carver, who seems to have pushed forward a bit, jumping at the door and howling to go out, and when we get home, back on the couch.

it was my birthday

and I had a busy week, full of celebration. it was the first week I have had in a long time that was not totally focused on carver, and it was good not to be so stuck in my cycle of worry and fear, but truly I missed him-it got hard to be out all the time. today is my first free afternoon and I am psyched to hang out with him. janice is coming over to give him an acupuncture treatment. it is cold and rainy, so carver didnt want a walk.

carver has been doing o.k. I notice that his back legs look thin, I think he has lost some muscle. it seems to be the hind legs that are giving him the most trouble these days. we are back giving him tramadol. I am trying to be in a schedule where I can give it to him, wait an hour, then walk him, although this is tough in the early morning. he seems to be heavy on his remaining front foot as well today-but I do think the humidity has an effect on his joints. we have had some good walks recently, with less laying down. basically it is different from day to day, and I am getting used to being more in the flow of things. one sweet thing is that he always wants to be with me. I cut up some cheap rugs e bought and made runners going through the whole apartment, as well as put beds in every room, so he has a bigger world. this has worked great-carver sleeps in the bedroom very night. when I came home he was in my office. I feel like every day I learn something new about carver and his needs. a lot of it I wish I had figured out years ago-I do not think I was paying close enough attention-but I am grateful that I am still open to learning, and can make as many adjustments as I can to make him comfortable and happy.

one of the nice things about being in provincetown

is that the place we stayed at was at ground level, no steps. I could open the door and let carver out into the garden, no harness or leash. and there were plenty of balls around to play with..

carver, me and our new friend leo at joe

dogs and coffee in provincetown. hanging out at joe is the cheeriest way to start the day!

carver in wellfleet

these pictures remind me of the feeling I could not escape the whole weekend-that we are meant to live in a little cabin by the sea.

update for the week!

last week was a whirlwind. I worked a couple of doubles, running home to take care of carver between shifts. carver will not go out for walks with our dog walker friend since the surgery. I am not sure exactly why, but he will only go out with either e or me. I don't mind, really, I actually like the excuse to spend a little time with him midday, but am worried about the coming months, when work gets busy again. I have to remind myself that this is a happy thing to worry about-since we could have lost carver months ago, had we listened to the first vet! carver has been doing o.k. this week. still taking lots of breaks on his walks, lots of laying down, and it has been tough to get him home if we go on any fun walks, especially to the pond. the walk there is great, the walk home is a huge test in patience, which I fail every time. it has been a big adjustment to make in my perception of how he should be doing . I just am full of resistance about his needing to rest, and have been full of worry that he is in further pain. in the midst of all the chaos, I fell asleep on the couch wednesday evening, and forgot to give carver his tramadol before crawling into bed. the next morning, carver was full of spunk, walked farther that he had in weeks and rested only a couple of times. when I mentioned this to e, she reminded me that a week back the same thing had happened-I gave his less tramadol and he perked up. so, armed with this good hunch, we decided to try & monitor him off the tramadol. e took us both to provincetown this weekend for my upcoming birthday. carver was with us every minute of the day. we all had a wonderful time, taking walks and being outside. carver had a very difficult time on the sand, so our beach visits were short but we did lay down for a while at race point, to see the breaching right whales who have gathered just off the shore. we took carver on some wonderful walks in the woods and walks in the town where he was admired by all. he has not taken tramadol since last wednesday, and I have to say he is doing really well. he was full of energy all weekend, and got a lot more exercise than he has in the past couple of weeks, and despite all of this he does not seem to be in any more pain. he still seems weak in his hips. he is still on derramaxx for the arthritis. I am hoping he keeps showing improvement off the pain killer. It has been such a delight and relief to see him excited to be out and about once again.

last week marked the three month anniversary of carver's surgery. three months of time we did not think we had. back in january I never thought we would be traveling with carver for my birthday-what a wonderful gift he is! how lucky we are to have him with us still.

lots of pictures to follow when I am not so sleepy.

friday

after working at the club, and then for a dear friend, I came home to a happy leaping carver, ready for a walk. I decided to take him to the pond, after an incident this morning where he was running when we were headed in the direction of the pond, then screeched to a halt, suddenly needing many breaks, when we switched directions and were headed home. I know that carver is dealing with some pain, and that is where this new laying down thing is coming from, but I do think there is an element of stubborness that gets added to the mix and makes things more confusing. so, I thought I would see how going to the pond went. carver ran the whole way there-we made it in 15 minutes, and he was so happy. we walked in the dog bowl, up the hill, carver eating some more of that stinky fertilizer (it was at the pond too, all of jp must smell like it!) but he walked a good ways before stopping. we rested several times, and it was pleasant. he did a great job getting home, it really was an amazing, hopeful walk. I am super proud of him, and grateful to have been able to have this pond visit, to be able to get him over there. I was really afraid that our walks would be very limited, and we would not be able to do the things he loves so much.

we are sitting on the floor together carver asleep with a full belly and derramaxx, tramadol coming soon. e is bring home our favorite pizza from emmas, and we have netflix movies to watch. a cheery end to a tough week.

this week

gosh, it has been a long week with no posting. lots of updating to do, so here we go-

monday

carver and I headed over tp the field where the ice skating rink used to be. right away c found an old wiffle ball and began to lay down-I assumed he was going to lay down, rest and chew on it for awhile. I sat down next to him, ready to give into the resting, when carver, a glint in his eye, grabbed the ball and jumped up, trotting to the other side of the field. we played for a long time with the ball, gently, but he still loves to play a little soccer game we made up when he was little, tossing the ball back and forth to each other. it took us a long while to get home, but it was a cheery walk. Janice the acupuncturist came over to give c a treatment, and we always enjoy her visits. carver looked relaxed. Janice suggested two flower essences-one for him and one for me-to help us work with this new resting thing.

tuesday

e's car broke down on the way to work. she had an awful time, waiting over two hours to get towed. she ended up working from home while the car was being looked at. on a break, she heated up some left over pork and headed back into her office. she heard some crying coming from the hallway-carver! desperate to come in! we had not covered the floor leading to e's office, since carver did not spend a ton of time in there, and our whole house looks like a crazy fabric factory with rugs and blankets and meditation cushions and quilts and yoga mats lying all over the place, so carver does not have to manage the hard wood floor. anyway, carver made the brave leap into e's room so he could beg for pork! go carver! e took some very funny pictures that I will post later.

bad news of the day-the car is beyond repair, and we are looking at being a car-less household, at least until the fall. under normal circumstances I probably would feel bummed about this, I have become very spoiled with e having a car (I have never had one, not being a experienced driver) but with carver having three legs, and cancer, and being so slow these days, and with the dr. w being all the way in weymouth, the news hit me hard. the anxiety button is getting triggered a lot these days, and I have been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. But I think this will end up being workable. with car rentals, possibly zipcar, cabs & friends I think we will get by o.k. and e not having the expense of the car (and fuel!) is huge, of course! we are thankful that this happened at the beginning of the nice weather-if it had to happen, this is the right time!

wednesday

I decided to take carver with me to the connolly branch library to pick up some books. this would normally be a 30 minute walk pre cancer, a 45-1 hour walk post amp, but took us 1 1/2 hours. it was a rough walk, LOTS of rests in a not very restful area. this made me commit to myself and him to not take him on any more "city" walks in the neighborhood. the concrete is touch on his joints, there is lots of garbage on the ground, no good place to rest, too many people around, asking questions or screaming to there friends "HE ONLY HAS THREE LEGS!". neither of us enjoyed it and it really stressed me out-sometimes I do not feel like explaining to total strangers that carver has cancer. I know it is unfair, but sometimes I just can't face it. a gaas station attendent asked what happened, and when i said cancer he sucked in his breath, his face pained, and turned away, could not look at us. it was a sincere reaction, which I had appreciation for, but it brought me right into the pain of it, right there on the street, with carver not wanting to budge, laying on the sidewalk. I like to have some control over where my breakdowns take place.

I did got the meditation center on wednesday night, something I had made a commitment to myself to go do. during one of my break down moments over the week, e reminded me that I have not been doing my meditation practice, and that my instructor had told me how important the practice is for me now. but the truth is, I have been TERRIFIED to meditate. I have been so afraid to sit and face my feelings. so, wednesday being open house nice, I thought I would feel more secure and grounded if I sat with the group. I am so grateful that I did. it was a wonderful night. Acharya Emily Bower gave meditation instruction to the whole group, which was amazing. wonderful to get back to the very basics. she also gave a great talk about compassion and loving kindness practice. Afterwards I got to connect with some good friends, and had a full interview with my meditation instructor while standing in the middle of the lounge area. I left feeling supported and loved, and very inspired by the the teachings and the practice. I have practiced every day since, and am planning to got wednesday nights as often as I can. I have to say it also felt great to get out of the house!

thursday

was a rough day-I was working a split, which means I get up around 430, work from 6-2. run home to jp, walk c and feed him, give him meds etc, then go back to work. all the stress of the past couple of weeks caught up with me, and I was feeling pretty dark, just overwhelmed. c and I walked to the ice skating rink field again, which smelled awful with some sort of fertilizer that had just been layed down. it was a short walk, very warm out, lots of resting. I had a good talk with my friend c, who diagnosed me with caretakers burnout. she has offered to by my ticket to vermont for a birthday gift. e has been saying I should get away for a couple of days as well. I dont know when I will feel comfortable going, but the offers from both of them are so kind.

I think it is all the not knowing that is getting to me. this new phase of carvers, his needing to lay down on walks, just does not sit well with me, even though the doctor and e and every one around me is saying it is normal, just go with what he needs. I just can't accept it, it came on too fast. but what is the point of doing more tests if we are not going to pursue more surgery? and then there is the whole awful issue of money-even if i wanted to do tests, how would I pay for it? I have not been working as much as I used to since carver was diagnosed, which has been wonderful, exactly the slowing down that I really needed, but economically the whole things has caught up with me. another layer of stress.

this whole week, carver has walked every morning, short walks with some rests when we get up the hill, but even in the cold damp rainy days he has been interested. he has been on tramadol only 2x a day because of my work schedule, and on his usual derramaxx. his appetite and digestion have been great.

so that is the week, which leads us to-TODAY!