weekend update

I have not been writing much this week, but i wish that I had been. I get to feeling that all the tiny details are boring, or do not mean anything, but in fact they add up, and tell a bigger story, one that I need to keep track of. Today we took carver on a trip to wingersheek beach in gloucester. it was a beautiful sunny spring day, although a cold one. the beach was closed, and the parking lot gated, so we had to walk the expanse of concrete to get to the beach. by the time we made it to the beginning of the tide line, carver lied down. we would get up and walk a bit, but he kept wanting to rest. so we mostly sat at the beach, never making it down to the water. carver would get up to greet a dog running by, but that was pretty much it. I would like to say that this is new, but every day carver has been a little more and more needing to rest. it began with him not wanting to go out when it was cold and raining-this made a kind of sense, even though he never minded the rain before. then, this week, when I had some early morning breakfasts and had to wake early, carver stopped wanting to go out in the morning all together. if I sleep in, or have time to let him wake slowly, he might go for a morning walk, but I have stopped taking it as a given. I think it was on wednesday that carver and I went to the pond, and he lay down on the walk there-just plopped himself in a pile of pine needles. we had been out for awhile, so it didn't seem unusual. thursday i worked a double so we went on shorter neighborhood walks. friday was raining, so short walks then too. but saturday was a beautiful day-e and I took carver to the pond in the afternoon, and he had to rest at least twice on that walk. then again this morning, on a short walk on the path to ward's. so by the time we reached the beach and he basically didn't want to walk at all-I felt sad but not entirely surprised. after lunch at woodman's e, c and I drove to reservation land in gloucester, and basically carver did the same thing again-short bursts of walking, then resting on the ground. his mind seems enthusiastic, but he seems to understand his body's limitations.

the thing is, I have no idea what is going on. sometimes I think it is his back legs, particularly the left one, but more and more I am beginning to think it is something inside. he moans when shifting position, despite the deramaxx and tramadol. we have an appointment with dr. walker tomorrow to get routine blood work done, but in the quincy clinic, where they do not have an x ray machine. so I am not sure how much he will be able to tell me tomorrow. I want him to look at carver's remaining shoulder, which feels bigger to me, and to check the lumps on his belly-are they new fatty tumors or something more worrisome? this is all so confusing, especially since we had already decided that after the amputation, we were not going to pursue any more treatment-no more surgeries, no chemo. so a part of me wonders why even do the testing at all if we know we are not going to treat any returning cancer? I guess mainly I want to know what we are looking at. could this be it, the final slowdown? I guess the next thing is to wait and hear what dr. walker says, he will guide us through whatever comes next.

the thing is, I don't want to lose him. I love carver. I am never going to be ready.