changes and adjustments

after carver's amazing couple of days, he seems to have slowed down. tuesday morning he refused to go for a walk again. but later in the morning when e was getting ready for work he was ready to go-the two of them had a nice walk around the neighborhood, much to my relief. it was my first day of working a double, with therapy sandwiched in the middle of my day. we had c, our dog walker friend come in the afternoon, but carver did not want to go for a walk then either. I talked with my therapist about everything, about the constant worrying, and she said to me (in the kindest way) that i have been living in the fantasy that all my care taking would keep carver from dying. I never would have come to this conclusion on my own, but as soon as she said it i knew it was true. I cried for a long time, but somehow there was some relief in there too. the truth is, carver has cancer, and is at the end of his life. the truth is also that i have no say and no control about when it will come back, or in what form, and the truest thing of all is that I cannot stop him from dying. but the miracle in all this sadness is the basic goodness of him, and my love for him. realizing that I cannot control all of this has opened up my heart to really seeing him as he is, and loving him so much right now, in this moment. carver would not go for a walk again this morning, and instead of clenching up and feeling nervous, I just said o.k. I fed him a good breakfast and went to work early. this afternoon he was more willing, but slow. He is in wonderful spirits, and mischievous. his favorite activity right now is to pee on all the little trees and bushes in the area and then kick up the bark mulch with his hind legs. I let him do it, hoping that the sight of his three legs will keep the neighbors from yelling too much. I hope carver, e and i have a lot more arboretum walks ahead of us, more amazing days of strength and energy like over this past weekend. but for now i'll be happy to do what ever carver wants to.