monday meds

tramadol-7 am
tramadol 3 pm
tramadol 11 pm

vet appt update

carver gazing up at beloved dr. w

well, we just arrived back home after our visit with dr. w. what a huge relief this appointment has brought us. Dr. w said that carver looked good, that there were no worrisome signs that would suggest that something serious was going on, and would warrant further testing. He said the remaining front shoulder was just big from built up muscle. He was impressed with carver's walking ability, and how far and long carver could walk for. he said to let him rest when he wants to rest, and just keep an eye on his progress, along with his appetite, digestion, and attitude. we did do some blood work, which we will hear the results of tomorrow. but if the blood work gets the green light, we are ready to just keep on living our cheery day to day lives, learning more and more to let go of expectation and worry, and to lean into the present, letting carver be who he is and letting him need what he needs. today carver took a rest in someone's side yard on halifax street. I felt a little silly standing there, but o.k. I am going to add the third dose of tramadol to carver's regime and see if that seems helpful. beware blog readers, I am going to have to resume noting boring details of med times and his progress.

something I realized through out this whole roller coaster ride of a weekend is that is is important to think ahead to the end, while things are steady. I have to admit that I spent a lot of time these past few days thinking about how I would be able to make the decision to help end carver's life, what that would be like, what would I have to need to know, how would I know it was time? I asked my bonecancerdog friends who had lost their dogs how they made their decisions, and received an amazing outpouring of stories that were so helpful and full of courage and compassion. dr. m, who gave us carver's first diagnosis, said to make a list of all the things carver loves to do, and to keep it in mind as his cancer progresses. I think it is time to start making that list.

weekend update

I have not been writing much this week, but i wish that I had been. I get to feeling that all the tiny details are boring, or do not mean anything, but in fact they add up, and tell a bigger story, one that I need to keep track of. Today we took carver on a trip to wingersheek beach in gloucester. it was a beautiful sunny spring day, although a cold one. the beach was closed, and the parking lot gated, so we had to walk the expanse of concrete to get to the beach. by the time we made it to the beginning of the tide line, carver lied down. we would get up and walk a bit, but he kept wanting to rest. so we mostly sat at the beach, never making it down to the water. carver would get up to greet a dog running by, but that was pretty much it. I would like to say that this is new, but every day carver has been a little more and more needing to rest. it began with him not wanting to go out when it was cold and raining-this made a kind of sense, even though he never minded the rain before. then, this week, when I had some early morning breakfasts and had to wake early, carver stopped wanting to go out in the morning all together. if I sleep in, or have time to let him wake slowly, he might go for a morning walk, but I have stopped taking it as a given. I think it was on wednesday that carver and I went to the pond, and he lay down on the walk there-just plopped himself in a pile of pine needles. we had been out for awhile, so it didn't seem unusual. thursday i worked a double so we went on shorter neighborhood walks. friday was raining, so short walks then too. but saturday was a beautiful day-e and I took carver to the pond in the afternoon, and he had to rest at least twice on that walk. then again this morning, on a short walk on the path to ward's. so by the time we reached the beach and he basically didn't want to walk at all-I felt sad but not entirely surprised. after lunch at woodman's e, c and I drove to reservation land in gloucester, and basically carver did the same thing again-short bursts of walking, then resting on the ground. his mind seems enthusiastic, but he seems to understand his body's limitations.

the thing is, I have no idea what is going on. sometimes I think it is his back legs, particularly the left one, but more and more I am beginning to think it is something inside. he moans when shifting position, despite the deramaxx and tramadol. we have an appointment with dr. walker tomorrow to get routine blood work done, but in the quincy clinic, where they do not have an x ray machine. so I am not sure how much he will be able to tell me tomorrow. I want him to look at carver's remaining shoulder, which feels bigger to me, and to check the lumps on his belly-are they new fatty tumors or something more worrisome? this is all so confusing, especially since we had already decided that after the amputation, we were not going to pursue any more treatment-no more surgeries, no chemo. so a part of me wonders why even do the testing at all if we know we are not going to treat any returning cancer? I guess mainly I want to know what we are looking at. could this be it, the final slowdown? I guess the next thing is to wait and hear what dr. walker says, he will guide us through whatever comes next.

the thing is, I don't want to lose him. I love carver. I am never going to be ready.

pond walk

what a beautiful day-the warmest we have had so far this spring.
as you can see, after a couple of quiet days, carver was ready to goto the pond.

he has not been this far ahead of me in a long while.

as soon as we arrived, carver made a new bull dog friend.



there was some running-



and wading!

carver got himself into the pond, which he has been dying to do. the water is high, but he found a place where he could both get himself in and out.

we walked back up the hill towards the dog bowl. carver found a soft spot in a pile of pine needles to take a rest-


and to chew some sticks.


on the way home, carver met another couple of friends, both black labs.

what is this 11 legged creature?


synchronized trotting.


it was a wonderful walk! carver did not want to leave!

the house is smokey

with the scent of a chinese herb moxa that the acupuncturist burned on the end of a needle, inserted into carvers hip. the herb warms the needle, so the point gets warm. she said it would help with carver's lack of enthusiasm on those cold damp days. carver is here next to me, asleep on the couch. he has really grown to love the the acupuncturist, j. he actually got up to meet her at the door, something he seldom does these days. I love how carver feels, to the touch, after being treated. his head is so relaxed and soft-it is indescribable but noticeable every time.

we had a great walk at ward's today, although i ran out without my camera. carver headed through the brambles again, and into the stream. he came home paws caked with mud and happy. it was a beautiful blue sunny spring day, with everything teetering on the edge of green. two weeks from now our world should look totally different. anyway, carver and i both had a sort of lazy weekend, with e being away at her folks for easter, so I was very happy and relieved to see carver full of spunk and wanting to go out for a long walk. I am getting much better at not panicking, I really am, but still, I like to see carver feeling good.

bone cancer dogs

I spent some time tonight reading posts on the yahoo group bonecancerdogs. there were so many losses this week. Maybe it was an average week, I do not know, but it felt like a huge number to me. It is heartbreaking to see. I used to spend a lot of time reading the posts, but I realized after a certain point that reading about the dogs passing-a dog dies every day-was keeping me very fixated on carver's impending death, to the point where I was missing carver being alive RIGHT NOW, and missing being really present and enjoying him. so I have pulled away from the group a bit. I feel very guilty about this, I do not want to be all take and no give. I hope I have the strength when I do lose carver to go back and offer my experience then. I still check the posts a couple times a week, and if there is a question I feel I have good advice to offer, I will write, but I am more lurking in the background. but today, I needed to reach out to the folks who had lost their dogs, to share in their sadness. and to deepen my own gratitude, for tonight carver has a full belly and is quietly snoring on the couch beside me, three legs stretched out long, ears perked high waiting to hear the sound of e coming home.

another fine walk at the jamaica pond

today, despite the crazy winds making the pond look like rough seas. we ran into an old neighbor with a 7 month old boxer pitbull puppy-very cute, and our old friend buster, a 15 year old mix, who barked hello.

I thought I would post some goofy pictures of carver out and about-

smiling carver, ready to take the pond by storm!


flying nun ears!



you can see the spring in his step-he loves going to the dog bowl, to check out who has been around-


and to mark every tree, so that all the pond dogs will know that HE has been around!


mid crunch.

after a couple of slow days

carver was up and back in action this afternoon. he had not been feeling well these past couple of days-a little more moany and groany than usual, and not at all interested in walking, especially in the cold and rain. but today when I arrived home, carver jumped up and was happy to walk. we ended up up at the big pond. carver ran and sniffed and was his happy self. my heart is full of gratitude for this day, to see him happy and to be able to bring him to one of his favorite places. I am getting used to this new ebb and flow, enjoying the coziness and pats on the slower days, and the excitement and thrill of the more active ones. I am looking forward to a weekend of no plans, just time with carver, doing whatever he feels up for.

and I forgot to mention

today is the 2 month anniversary of carver's amputation surgery. I am full of gratitude for every moment of these past 2 months. congratulations carver, for being so incredibly resilient, adaptable and brave. you are an amazing pup!

monday walk towards willow pond

I really wanted to goto ward's today, it was bright, sunny, and the light was beautiful. but when we crossed the jamaica way, carver insisted on heading towards daisy field. I never know what drives him one way or the other, but he has definite opinions, and they are different from day to day. was it a particular smell? or did he have a hankering for goose poop, which is so plentiful in the baseball field? it seemed silly to fight him , to insist he take MY walk, although secretly I am planning on going to ward's tomorrow. anyway, he was full of energy and drive until we arrived-apparently the plan was to stand around a lot. it took us an hour to get home.

This is not my favorite walk-usually the daisy field area is full of people from the brook house walking their dogs after work-not the friendliest bunch. they see another dog coming, and grip their own to their sides-why not let your dog sniff a butt or two? the worst are the people on their cell phones-I saw a man almost allow his puppy to be run over by a car today. the puppy ran into the street after a dropped ball-the guy didn't even notice, chatting away. I yelled hey and he just dragged the dog back onto the side walk, not even acknowledging the car that had to screech to a halt to avoid the pup or me, not missing a beat in his conversation. I have to admit that I have spent many walks totally distracted, not noticing carver. one of the gifts that cancer brings is a fresh attitude and appreciation for every moment, especially the sunny day walks. that puppy was so full of life, so full of goodness, I just wanted that man to really take him in, he deserves that. I wanted to tell him how fast it all goes by, that their time together was limited, that he shouldn't waste a moment. gosh, for all I know, it was a dog walker and not the owner. anyway, this is why I am not crazy about this particular walk, and why I am even less crazy about just standing around there.

so, we walked some and stood some. sniffed a lot. saw our friend keith in his truck & waved hello. carver let his nose doing all the deciding. that and his feet. something I love about carver is that he really loves texture. moving water and smooth rocks. tall grass that brush against his muzzle. piles of crunchy leaves. thick mud between his toes. a wet packed snowbank to lay on. bark mulch to kick back. brambles to break through that stick to his coat. he is alive in all his senses, but I think next to smell, touch is his favorite. forget taste, he does not have the time!
tomorrow, we will got ward's (unless carver has another plan).

pond walk

carver really wanted to got the jamaica pond today. it is one of his favorite places. I took him, but my heart wanted to goto ward's. I wished i had listened to my heart. oh, the pond was fine, but high with run off from the melting winter all around. carver really wanted to go in the water, but he cannot get back out himself, because of all the slippery rocks that line the shore. with no beach to step on, I cannot get stable footing to hoist him out. so we spent a greater part of the walk on leash, with me trying to distract him from the waters edge. then an older woman approached us. she gave carver pats and asked about his missing leg. she then asked about his prognosis. when I told her, she asked, "do you think it was worth all the trouble?" I smiled and said "yes!", but inside I was fuming. what a question! was it worth it. I have been lucky in that i have not encountered this kind of questioning and attitude too often, but even a hint of it burns me up. if you feel that way about dogs, why even ask questions? why show interest? so we kept walking, me tugging carver away from the water, swearing to never go back to the stupid pond, but of course we will be back. carver will insist.

amazing day at ward's

this morning, carver walked with me, the first time in a couple of days. it was a cheery beginning to the day, and a big relief. the party at work this evening dropped in number, so luc let me have the night off. it is a beautiful, bright early spring day, and I found myself hoping on the way home that carver would be up for a walk. sure enough, he was! we harnessed up and headed out to ward's.

when we reached the fork in the path, where we turn to head towards the pond, carver had a different idea. lets cut through the trees and head to the stream! this stream is one of carver's favorite places. he loves to stand in water, especially moving water. I normally do not let him venture down that way, its brambly for one thing, but I caught carver's enthusiasm and followed him into the woods.

the stream, which connects jamaica pond to wards, then ward's to willow pond, was high, spilling out over into the woods, rushing with the end of winter, taking leaves and branches with it. carver ended up knee deep in the water and happy.


he walked the whole length of the stream to the edge of the pond, him with his feet immersed, me clutching saplings, trying not to slide off the muddy edge. once we reached the pond, he took to dryer ground, but enjoyed walking close to the edge, under all the thorny brush.


the pond has a beautiful marshy quality to it, perfect for nesting.


we had the best time!

carver remembering the taste of the stream while we wait for the light to change.


we even had a siren go by to howl along with, entertaining the folks stuck in traffic.


a dream of a walk!

I wanted to share some amazing pictures that e took on our last 2 walks at the arboretum.

first walk-still wintery


amazing red tail friend who kept on eye on e while she kept an eye on him!


carver in the bright sun


some sweet smelling witch hazel-spring is on the way!


did someone say spring? just a week later

look, no snow at his feet!

a glorious blue sky with an equally wonderful cardinal


carver frolicking in the green grass , the green green created by the fresh water spring


the beautiful bark of a plane tree


carver and I rambling down the hill together.


time for a nap after all that good walking


thanks again e! we love to see the world through your eyes.

changes and adjustments

after carver's amazing couple of days, he seems to have slowed down. tuesday morning he refused to go for a walk again. but later in the morning when e was getting ready for work he was ready to go-the two of them had a nice walk around the neighborhood, much to my relief. it was my first day of working a double, with therapy sandwiched in the middle of my day. we had c, our dog walker friend come in the afternoon, but carver did not want to go for a walk then either. I talked with my therapist about everything, about the constant worrying, and she said to me (in the kindest way) that i have been living in the fantasy that all my care taking would keep carver from dying. I never would have come to this conclusion on my own, but as soon as she said it i knew it was true. I cried for a long time, but somehow there was some relief in there too. the truth is, carver has cancer, and is at the end of his life. the truth is also that i have no say and no control about when it will come back, or in what form, and the truest thing of all is that I cannot stop him from dying. but the miracle in all this sadness is the basic goodness of him, and my love for him. realizing that I cannot control all of this has opened up my heart to really seeing him as he is, and loving him so much right now, in this moment. carver would not go for a walk again this morning, and instead of clenching up and feeling nervous, I just said o.k. I fed him a good breakfast and went to work early. this afternoon he was more willing, but slow. He is in wonderful spirits, and mischievous. his favorite activity right now is to pee on all the little trees and bushes in the area and then kick up the bark mulch with his hind legs. I let him do it, hoping that the sight of his three legs will keep the neighbors from yelling too much. I hope carver, e and i have a lot more arboretum walks ahead of us, more amazing days of strength and energy like over this past weekend. but for now i'll be happy to do what ever carver wants to.

acupuncture monday

carver as made a remarkable recovery from last weeks days of stiffness. yesterday we had amazing walks at daisy field, little pond paths, and then later at the arboretum. carver ran, climbed hills, sniffed everything-it was a glorious walk. today we had a very good hour long walk to jamaica pond, where the light and sun shouted SPRING but the wind screamed louder WINTER! despite the cold, it is a blessing to have the snow be gone, and to already have the ground firmed up and ready to grow things.

janice came by today and gave carver acupuncture. carver stayed very alert this time, interested in everything she was doing. she found a spot that he really likes to have pressure on, where the sacrum and the spine meet, and she showed me how to do it. when she put pressure there, carver would press back into it, then collapse into a restful heap. I am glad to have something I can do for him, other than give his derramax. speaking of which carver is now off tramadol-I began to wean him off if it when his walking approved. he takes the deramaxx in the morning now, after I could not remember if I had given it to him yesterday.

tomorrow carver is going to be walked by our dog walker friend for the first time since christmas (and the surgery). she had mentioned to e that she missed walking c, and that she could accommodate his new walking needs. the nice nice offer came at the perfect time-my work really needs me to work a couple nights, and I desperately need the money-all of my short days and time off has caught up with me, and I am living very close to the edge, money wise. needless to say, I do not feel ready to cut the apron strings, I like being home with him every afternoon, and I like being the one to care for him. tomorrow will be tough, but good I hope.

daylight savings

after a very rainy day yesterday, carver and i had a wonderful walk this morning, happy to be out on a sunny day. we walked to daisy field , then up towards the little ponds near wards-carvers hind legs look much stronger, his gait seems to have settled back in, and I am enjoying a moment of having nothing to fret over. more later after our afternoon walk in the arboretum-we are on the hunt for witch hazel!

friday walk

carver was lying on his new memory foam bed when I came home, but he was all jumping and excited once I came into the room leash in hand. His foot has seemed much better over the last 24 hours. Knowing tomorrows forecast predicts heavy rain, carver and I cautiously set out on a condensed ward's pond adventure. Although his front wrist seems much stronger, carver's gait still seemed strange. Feeling his back legs, I noticed the muscles in his left hind leg feel very tense. Is this from over compensating? or is his stiff from bed rest? I followed his lead, which was that he really wanted to be on the move-he moved with a very quick pace the whole time we were out. I shortened the walk by cutting up on a path that allows us to skip the stairs. thanks to traffic, we safely crossed the jamaica way before the light, also bringing us closer to home. I am beginning to realize that this is the new normal, these moments of worry, these minor adjustments, these sore muscles. I think a part of me has been waiting for everything to get back to "normal" but really, carver has three legs! things are going to be different, more challenging for the both of us. I want to face each situation with calm. So tonight will be hind leg rubs, tomorrow a rainy rest day, monday the acupuncturist comes-lots of time to observe and care for him before panicking and calling the vet.

a couple of pictures of the walk

the ice on ward's has almost melted away. i do not remember seeing any snow on the ground-everything is a tone of brown, with new life teeming underneath.


a happy, panting carver headed up the hill, away from the pond

bed rest

a much cheerier day today. carver and i took a short walk this morning, up and down the street. he pooped twice and peed, and I left for working feeling very relieved. another short walk this afternoon, another poop and several territory marking pees. he is on a full coarse of tramadol, every 8 hours, and deramaxx once a day. carver's spirits are way up-right now the only complaints are that he cannot jump on the sofa. he keeps looking at me and crying. when I went to lay down with him on the ground he hopped up and tried to steal my open place on the couch! sneaky pup! so now we are home, trying to have fun and bed rest at the same time.

first he licked this raw hide for awhile

he has not been able to figure out how to get a grip on it with his missing leg. carver always used his front paws like hands-proof he is a very enlightened dog.

then one of the cats walked by...

some hard stares and growling. those cats!

then his focused turned on me..

what are you doing with that black box again?

he has finally settled down a bit on his bed, accepting that today will not be a couch or long walk day. of course, I t kills me not to give him what he wants-he wants so little, I love snuggling on the couch-I want him to be happy! but i will remain strong- I want that foot in top notch shape!

a scary day

when it was time for our morning walk this morning, carver refused to go out. he balked at the front door and tried to jump in the couch. I coaxed him out the door, and down the stairs, but he just stood there. I managed to get him across the street, where he peed a tiny pee, then he ran to our front steps. I helped him in, and he headed straight for his bed on the living room floor. Last night carver jumped off the couch, in a way I can only describe as heavily. it seemed like he had put all his weight on that wrist. I think he has injured his only front leg. I felt sick with worry all day, and came home early. carver was alert and cheerful when I arrived home, all wags, but when we went out it was more of the same. I managed to get him into the back of the yard, small pee again, and back inside. his appetite is great, his spirits are high, everything seems normal except for the big obvious thing. I have a call out to dr. w, but I am beginning to feel calmer. of course my mind jumps to the cancer, again and again and again. But I think this is probably soft tissue, I pray it is a heal-able injury, that a few days of tramadol and bed rest will fix him up, that we can have our ward's pond walks again. this whole experience is so much losing and getting back, remembering what I have, forgetting what I have, feeling sad for what is already gone, then desperately wanting things to be exactly as they are- three legs, ward's pond walks, sweet old pup. even in the midst of this crisis of sorts, I feel grateful for it-it wakes me up, wakes me up to how good things are, how dear. how I do not want to miss it.

monday & meds

it is night and day, carver on deramaxx. even after his first pill yesterday, he seemed more comfortable. but the proof was in the pudding-both this mornings walk and this afternoons, carver was full of spunk. today at ward's pond I had to run to keep up with him. the changes take place so slowly, and subtly. I am so glad we chose to put him back on the meds. dr. w said to take him in in a month for blood work unless he is showing any troubles. hopefully last times vomiting and kidney issues was a bug, and not the medication. I so want carver to have as much mobility and to be as pain free as possible. on our walk we met a nice woman (with a beautiful 14 year old dog) who had a shepherd that had bone cancer. he lived two years post amp with out chemo. I LOVE these stories. I am so grateful to have carver still with me, almost 8 weeks after diagnosis. I have not written to the first vet yet, although I intend to. I want her to know that carver is well, and that we have already had months more excellent, mobile, healthy time with him then she said. she needs to know that it is not her place to make decisions for people, that she needs to give all the options. that people and animals are vulnerable in her hands.

It was tough when carver was vomiting this weekend. anytime he shows illness I jump straight to panic. it is so difficult to stay calm and focus on the moment at hand-vomiting-and not jump to the cancer is back, it is in his stomach, etc. How do I walk the line of being present, hopeful, joyful, and yet cautious and realistic. it is an impossible task, honestly. I am trying to take it moment by moment. the sadness sneaks up on me. yesterday we were in a section of the arboretum we rarely go to-it is a swampy field by a maple grove, where carver and I used to walk back when he was little, and could walk the three miles from our house to the park, before walking an hour or two around the park, then all the way back home again. All I could see was carver running, so fast and far I would have to strain to catch a glimpse of his tail in the distance, me calling out his name over and over to get him to come back. It has been a long time since carver was that dog, a long time before the cancer. but I found myself crying, mourning the loss of THAT dog. mourning is a process. I try not to get ahead of myself, because although we no longer have that carver, we have this beautiful one, so gentle and curious and kind, more interested in people and dogs than he has ever been. so cuddly and sweet and cozy. the dog that slows me down so that i can take in the world. this dog I do not have to mourn yet. this dog I get to love now.

weekend update

well, I made it through 1/3 of my retreat-thursday evening and all day friday. but carver had me up in the middle of the night, vomiting, then vomiting again the saturday morning. my heart filled with worry, I decided to let go of the rest of the class. I want to say it was a tough decision, but when I get filled up with worry, I cannot think of anything else. I could not imagine sitting on a cushion all day, wondering how he was doing. meditation in the most simple of circumstances is difficult enough!

Now that I am on the other side of the weekend, I cannot imagine how I would have been away from carver for 4 days-it was ambitious to say the least. How could I have missed our excellent trips to the arboretum with e! twice in one weekend!

here is c & e in the bright sunlight


we are all at the main gate, waiting for our friend k, and her dogs.
e went to take some pictures and carver decided to have a rest in the snow while we waited.



they finally arrived!


one of the best parts of the walks was when we saw a red tailed hawk hunting over the marsh.

more pictures of the walk to come!

The vomiting seemed to clear itself up, he has been doing well digestive wise. But I have been noticing he has been groaning quite a bit lately, especially when he switches positions while lying down. He also seemed slower on the walks then before, with a lot of breaks to rest.


I put him back on deramaxx last night-I will call Dr. W today to let him know, and to see when we should have more blood work done. I hope this slowing down is just his joints, and that the meds will take care of it. I have also been giving him tramadol once a day-I might up this as well until he is comfortable.