2 a.m.

carver and I both slept soundly for a couple of hours but he woke up at 145, and began crying again. I gave him his paid meds early-2 a.m. with some cheese. he refused water, but took the pills, and is now settling down a tiny bit. the cries are hollow sounded, like nothing I heard from him before. they cut right through me. It is especially hard to feel like I do not understand what he needs-for 12 years I have known when he wanted to go out, when he wanted a snack-now I feel totally helpless.