monday meds

tramadol-7 am
tramadol 3 pm
tramadol 11 pm

vet appt update

carver gazing up at beloved dr. w

well, we just arrived back home after our visit with dr. w. what a huge relief this appointment has brought us. Dr. w said that carver looked good, that there were no worrisome signs that would suggest that something serious was going on, and would warrant further testing. He said the remaining front shoulder was just big from built up muscle. He was impressed with carver's walking ability, and how far and long carver could walk for. he said to let him rest when he wants to rest, and just keep an eye on his progress, along with his appetite, digestion, and attitude. we did do some blood work, which we will hear the results of tomorrow. but if the blood work gets the green light, we are ready to just keep on living our cheery day to day lives, learning more and more to let go of expectation and worry, and to lean into the present, letting carver be who he is and letting him need what he needs. today carver took a rest in someone's side yard on halifax street. I felt a little silly standing there, but o.k. I am going to add the third dose of tramadol to carver's regime and see if that seems helpful. beware blog readers, I am going to have to resume noting boring details of med times and his progress.

something I realized through out this whole roller coaster ride of a weekend is that is is important to think ahead to the end, while things are steady. I have to admit that I spent a lot of time these past few days thinking about how I would be able to make the decision to help end carver's life, what that would be like, what would I have to need to know, how would I know it was time? I asked my bonecancerdog friends who had lost their dogs how they made their decisions, and received an amazing outpouring of stories that were so helpful and full of courage and compassion. dr. m, who gave us carver's first diagnosis, said to make a list of all the things carver loves to do, and to keep it in mind as his cancer progresses. I think it is time to start making that list.

weekend update

I have not been writing much this week, but i wish that I had been. I get to feeling that all the tiny details are boring, or do not mean anything, but in fact they add up, and tell a bigger story, one that I need to keep track of. Today we took carver on a trip to wingersheek beach in gloucester. it was a beautiful sunny spring day, although a cold one. the beach was closed, and the parking lot gated, so we had to walk the expanse of concrete to get to the beach. by the time we made it to the beginning of the tide line, carver lied down. we would get up and walk a bit, but he kept wanting to rest. so we mostly sat at the beach, never making it down to the water. carver would get up to greet a dog running by, but that was pretty much it. I would like to say that this is new, but every day carver has been a little more and more needing to rest. it began with him not wanting to go out when it was cold and raining-this made a kind of sense, even though he never minded the rain before. then, this week, when I had some early morning breakfasts and had to wake early, carver stopped wanting to go out in the morning all together. if I sleep in, or have time to let him wake slowly, he might go for a morning walk, but I have stopped taking it as a given. I think it was on wednesday that carver and I went to the pond, and he lay down on the walk there-just plopped himself in a pile of pine needles. we had been out for awhile, so it didn't seem unusual. thursday i worked a double so we went on shorter neighborhood walks. friday was raining, so short walks then too. but saturday was a beautiful day-e and I took carver to the pond in the afternoon, and he had to rest at least twice on that walk. then again this morning, on a short walk on the path to ward's. so by the time we reached the beach and he basically didn't want to walk at all-I felt sad but not entirely surprised. after lunch at woodman's e, c and I drove to reservation land in gloucester, and basically carver did the same thing again-short bursts of walking, then resting on the ground. his mind seems enthusiastic, but he seems to understand his body's limitations.

the thing is, I have no idea what is going on. sometimes I think it is his back legs, particularly the left one, but more and more I am beginning to think it is something inside. he moans when shifting position, despite the deramaxx and tramadol. we have an appointment with dr. walker tomorrow to get routine blood work done, but in the quincy clinic, where they do not have an x ray machine. so I am not sure how much he will be able to tell me tomorrow. I want him to look at carver's remaining shoulder, which feels bigger to me, and to check the lumps on his belly-are they new fatty tumors or something more worrisome? this is all so confusing, especially since we had already decided that after the amputation, we were not going to pursue any more treatment-no more surgeries, no chemo. so a part of me wonders why even do the testing at all if we know we are not going to treat any returning cancer? I guess mainly I want to know what we are looking at. could this be it, the final slowdown? I guess the next thing is to wait and hear what dr. walker says, he will guide us through whatever comes next.

the thing is, I don't want to lose him. I love carver. I am never going to be ready.

pond walk

what a beautiful day-the warmest we have had so far this spring.
as you can see, after a couple of quiet days, carver was ready to goto the pond.

he has not been this far ahead of me in a long while.

as soon as we arrived, carver made a new bull dog friend.



there was some running-



and wading!

carver got himself into the pond, which he has been dying to do. the water is high, but he found a place where he could both get himself in and out.

we walked back up the hill towards the dog bowl. carver found a soft spot in a pile of pine needles to take a rest-


and to chew some sticks.


on the way home, carver met another couple of friends, both black labs.

what is this 11 legged creature?


synchronized trotting.


it was a wonderful walk! carver did not want to leave!

the house is smokey

with the scent of a chinese herb moxa that the acupuncturist burned on the end of a needle, inserted into carvers hip. the herb warms the needle, so the point gets warm. she said it would help with carver's lack of enthusiasm on those cold damp days. carver is here next to me, asleep on the couch. he has really grown to love the the acupuncturist, j. he actually got up to meet her at the door, something he seldom does these days. I love how carver feels, to the touch, after being treated. his head is so relaxed and soft-it is indescribable but noticeable every time.

we had a great walk at ward's today, although i ran out without my camera. carver headed through the brambles again, and into the stream. he came home paws caked with mud and happy. it was a beautiful blue sunny spring day, with everything teetering on the edge of green. two weeks from now our world should look totally different. anyway, carver and i both had a sort of lazy weekend, with e being away at her folks for easter, so I was very happy and relieved to see carver full of spunk and wanting to go out for a long walk. I am getting much better at not panicking, I really am, but still, I like to see carver feeling good.

bone cancer dogs

I spent some time tonight reading posts on the yahoo group bonecancerdogs. there were so many losses this week. Maybe it was an average week, I do not know, but it felt like a huge number to me. It is heartbreaking to see. I used to spend a lot of time reading the posts, but I realized after a certain point that reading about the dogs passing-a dog dies every day-was keeping me very fixated on carver's impending death, to the point where I was missing carver being alive RIGHT NOW, and missing being really present and enjoying him. so I have pulled away from the group a bit. I feel very guilty about this, I do not want to be all take and no give. I hope I have the strength when I do lose carver to go back and offer my experience then. I still check the posts a couple times a week, and if there is a question I feel I have good advice to offer, I will write, but I am more lurking in the background. but today, I needed to reach out to the folks who had lost their dogs, to share in their sadness. and to deepen my own gratitude, for tonight carver has a full belly and is quietly snoring on the couch beside me, three legs stretched out long, ears perked high waiting to hear the sound of e coming home.

another fine walk at the jamaica pond

today, despite the crazy winds making the pond look like rough seas. we ran into an old neighbor with a 7 month old boxer pitbull puppy-very cute, and our old friend buster, a 15 year old mix, who barked hello.

I thought I would post some goofy pictures of carver out and about-

smiling carver, ready to take the pond by storm!


flying nun ears!



you can see the spring in his step-he loves going to the dog bowl, to check out who has been around-


and to mark every tree, so that all the pond dogs will know that HE has been around!


mid crunch.