pond walk

we just got back from a good walk to the pond. carver has had a lot of enthusiasm since acupuncture this week. with the rains finally behind us, we have really enjoyed being outside.
carver can make it to the pond in 10 minutes, with only one rest on the way. the walk home is longer, but I am convinced it is 50% tiredness, 50% not wanting to go home. I keep hearing e's voice at the time of diagnosis, saying "if only we could get him to the nice weather", and here we are. 60 degrees and sunny, trees blooming and the ground a thick green carpet. wild chives bursting up in clumps for c to pee on, grass to nibble. and carver, who seems to have pushed forward a bit, jumping at the door and howling to go out, and when we get home, back on the couch.

it was my birthday

and I had a busy week, full of celebration. it was the first week I have had in a long time that was not totally focused on carver, and it was good not to be so stuck in my cycle of worry and fear, but truly I missed him-it got hard to be out all the time. today is my first free afternoon and I am psyched to hang out with him. janice is coming over to give him an acupuncture treatment. it is cold and rainy, so carver didnt want a walk.

carver has been doing o.k. I notice that his back legs look thin, I think he has lost some muscle. it seems to be the hind legs that are giving him the most trouble these days. we are back giving him tramadol. I am trying to be in a schedule where I can give it to him, wait an hour, then walk him, although this is tough in the early morning. he seems to be heavy on his remaining front foot as well today-but I do think the humidity has an effect on his joints. we have had some good walks recently, with less laying down. basically it is different from day to day, and I am getting used to being more in the flow of things. one sweet thing is that he always wants to be with me. I cut up some cheap rugs e bought and made runners going through the whole apartment, as well as put beds in every room, so he has a bigger world. this has worked great-carver sleeps in the bedroom very night. when I came home he was in my office. I feel like every day I learn something new about carver and his needs. a lot of it I wish I had figured out years ago-I do not think I was paying close enough attention-but I am grateful that I am still open to learning, and can make as many adjustments as I can to make him comfortable and happy.

one of the nice things about being in provincetown

is that the place we stayed at was at ground level, no steps. I could open the door and let carver out into the garden, no harness or leash. and there were plenty of balls around to play with..

carver, me and our new friend leo at joe

dogs and coffee in provincetown. hanging out at joe is the cheeriest way to start the day!

carver in wellfleet

these pictures remind me of the feeling I could not escape the whole weekend-that we are meant to live in a little cabin by the sea.

update for the week!

last week was a whirlwind. I worked a couple of doubles, running home to take care of carver between shifts. carver will not go out for walks with our dog walker friend since the surgery. I am not sure exactly why, but he will only go out with either e or me. I don't mind, really, I actually like the excuse to spend a little time with him midday, but am worried about the coming months, when work gets busy again. I have to remind myself that this is a happy thing to worry about-since we could have lost carver months ago, had we listened to the first vet! carver has been doing o.k. this week. still taking lots of breaks on his walks, lots of laying down, and it has been tough to get him home if we go on any fun walks, especially to the pond. the walk there is great, the walk home is a huge test in patience, which I fail every time. it has been a big adjustment to make in my perception of how he should be doing . I just am full of resistance about his needing to rest, and have been full of worry that he is in further pain. in the midst of all the chaos, I fell asleep on the couch wednesday evening, and forgot to give carver his tramadol before crawling into bed. the next morning, carver was full of spunk, walked farther that he had in weeks and rested only a couple of times. when I mentioned this to e, she reminded me that a week back the same thing had happened-I gave his less tramadol and he perked up. so, armed with this good hunch, we decided to try & monitor him off the tramadol. e took us both to provincetown this weekend for my upcoming birthday. carver was with us every minute of the day. we all had a wonderful time, taking walks and being outside. carver had a very difficult time on the sand, so our beach visits were short but we did lay down for a while at race point, to see the breaching right whales who have gathered just off the shore. we took carver on some wonderful walks in the woods and walks in the town where he was admired by all. he has not taken tramadol since last wednesday, and I have to say he is doing really well. he was full of energy all weekend, and got a lot more exercise than he has in the past couple of weeks, and despite all of this he does not seem to be in any more pain. he still seems weak in his hips. he is still on derramaxx for the arthritis. I am hoping he keeps showing improvement off the pain killer. It has been such a delight and relief to see him excited to be out and about once again.

last week marked the three month anniversary of carver's surgery. three months of time we did not think we had. back in january I never thought we would be traveling with carver for my birthday-what a wonderful gift he is! how lucky we are to have him with us still.

lots of pictures to follow when I am not so sleepy.

friday

after working at the club, and then for a dear friend, I came home to a happy leaping carver, ready for a walk. I decided to take him to the pond, after an incident this morning where he was running when we were headed in the direction of the pond, then screeched to a halt, suddenly needing many breaks, when we switched directions and were headed home. I know that carver is dealing with some pain, and that is where this new laying down thing is coming from, but I do think there is an element of stubborness that gets added to the mix and makes things more confusing. so, I thought I would see how going to the pond went. carver ran the whole way there-we made it in 15 minutes, and he was so happy. we walked in the dog bowl, up the hill, carver eating some more of that stinky fertilizer (it was at the pond too, all of jp must smell like it!) but he walked a good ways before stopping. we rested several times, and it was pleasant. he did a great job getting home, it really was an amazing, hopeful walk. I am super proud of him, and grateful to have been able to have this pond visit, to be able to get him over there. I was really afraid that our walks would be very limited, and we would not be able to do the things he loves so much.

we are sitting on the floor together carver asleep with a full belly and derramaxx, tramadol coming soon. e is bring home our favorite pizza from emmas, and we have netflix movies to watch. a cheery end to a tough week.

this week

gosh, it has been a long week with no posting. lots of updating to do, so here we go-

monday

carver and I headed over tp the field where the ice skating rink used to be. right away c found an old wiffle ball and began to lay down-I assumed he was going to lay down, rest and chew on it for awhile. I sat down next to him, ready to give into the resting, when carver, a glint in his eye, grabbed the ball and jumped up, trotting to the other side of the field. we played for a long time with the ball, gently, but he still loves to play a little soccer game we made up when he was little, tossing the ball back and forth to each other. it took us a long while to get home, but it was a cheery walk. Janice the acupuncturist came over to give c a treatment, and we always enjoy her visits. carver looked relaxed. Janice suggested two flower essences-one for him and one for me-to help us work with this new resting thing.

tuesday

e's car broke down on the way to work. she had an awful time, waiting over two hours to get towed. she ended up working from home while the car was being looked at. on a break, she heated up some left over pork and headed back into her office. she heard some crying coming from the hallway-carver! desperate to come in! we had not covered the floor leading to e's office, since carver did not spend a ton of time in there, and our whole house looks like a crazy fabric factory with rugs and blankets and meditation cushions and quilts and yoga mats lying all over the place, so carver does not have to manage the hard wood floor. anyway, carver made the brave leap into e's room so he could beg for pork! go carver! e took some very funny pictures that I will post later.

bad news of the day-the car is beyond repair, and we are looking at being a car-less household, at least until the fall. under normal circumstances I probably would feel bummed about this, I have become very spoiled with e having a car (I have never had one, not being a experienced driver) but with carver having three legs, and cancer, and being so slow these days, and with the dr. w being all the way in weymouth, the news hit me hard. the anxiety button is getting triggered a lot these days, and I have been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. But I think this will end up being workable. with car rentals, possibly zipcar, cabs & friends I think we will get by o.k. and e not having the expense of the car (and fuel!) is huge, of course! we are thankful that this happened at the beginning of the nice weather-if it had to happen, this is the right time!

wednesday

I decided to take carver with me to the connolly branch library to pick up some books. this would normally be a 30 minute walk pre cancer, a 45-1 hour walk post amp, but took us 1 1/2 hours. it was a rough walk, LOTS of rests in a not very restful area. this made me commit to myself and him to not take him on any more "city" walks in the neighborhood. the concrete is touch on his joints, there is lots of garbage on the ground, no good place to rest, too many people around, asking questions or screaming to there friends "HE ONLY HAS THREE LEGS!". neither of us enjoyed it and it really stressed me out-sometimes I do not feel like explaining to total strangers that carver has cancer. I know it is unfair, but sometimes I just can't face it. a gaas station attendent asked what happened, and when i said cancer he sucked in his breath, his face pained, and turned away, could not look at us. it was a sincere reaction, which I had appreciation for, but it brought me right into the pain of it, right there on the street, with carver not wanting to budge, laying on the sidewalk. I like to have some control over where my breakdowns take place.

I did got the meditation center on wednesday night, something I had made a commitment to myself to go do. during one of my break down moments over the week, e reminded me that I have not been doing my meditation practice, and that my instructor had told me how important the practice is for me now. but the truth is, I have been TERRIFIED to meditate. I have been so afraid to sit and face my feelings. so, wednesday being open house nice, I thought I would feel more secure and grounded if I sat with the group. I am so grateful that I did. it was a wonderful night. Acharya Emily Bower gave meditation instruction to the whole group, which was amazing. wonderful to get back to the very basics. she also gave a great talk about compassion and loving kindness practice. Afterwards I got to connect with some good friends, and had a full interview with my meditation instructor while standing in the middle of the lounge area. I left feeling supported and loved, and very inspired by the the teachings and the practice. I have practiced every day since, and am planning to got wednesday nights as often as I can. I have to say it also felt great to get out of the house!

thursday

was a rough day-I was working a split, which means I get up around 430, work from 6-2. run home to jp, walk c and feed him, give him meds etc, then go back to work. all the stress of the past couple of weeks caught up with me, and I was feeling pretty dark, just overwhelmed. c and I walked to the ice skating rink field again, which smelled awful with some sort of fertilizer that had just been layed down. it was a short walk, very warm out, lots of resting. I had a good talk with my friend c, who diagnosed me with caretakers burnout. she has offered to by my ticket to vermont for a birthday gift. e has been saying I should get away for a couple of days as well. I dont know when I will feel comfortable going, but the offers from both of them are so kind.

I think it is all the not knowing that is getting to me. this new phase of carvers, his needing to lay down on walks, just does not sit well with me, even though the doctor and e and every one around me is saying it is normal, just go with what he needs. I just can't accept it, it came on too fast. but what is the point of doing more tests if we are not going to pursue more surgery? and then there is the whole awful issue of money-even if i wanted to do tests, how would I pay for it? I have not been working as much as I used to since carver was diagnosed, which has been wonderful, exactly the slowing down that I really needed, but economically the whole things has caught up with me. another layer of stress.

this whole week, carver has walked every morning, short walks with some rests when we get up the hill, but even in the cold damp rainy days he has been interested. he has been on tramadol only 2x a day because of my work schedule, and on his usual derramaxx. his appetite and digestion have been great.

so that is the week, which leads us to-TODAY!

some walking and some laying down

e took care of carver while I was at work yesterday. they turned out to be sunny and bright.
they headed to daisy field.

carver decided he needed to take a rest when they crossed the jamaicaway. under this tree seemed like a good spot. his resting spaces almost always include a tree or shrub of some kind.
here he is in mid leap to laying.


the sun was bright.


one of the good things about taking more rests is that there is more time for scruff scratches.


they did make it over to the field.
carver ran in the woods, where he finds the soft balls sometimes, with their leather skins peeling.


then, on the way home, another rest. you can see that the light has changed-carver had e out for a long time! all that resting!


but he did have some enthusiasm for getting home for supper.


I was happy to hear that carver had such a nice walk while I was at work.


so it has been another time of adjustment. the good news is that carver has been more mobile the last couple of days-saturday morning we went for a little walk, then e's walk with him yesterday afternoon-although full of rests, they still did cover a good distance. this morning we took carver to the arboretum after we all slept in, and had a wonderful walk near the bamboo and pear trees, and the crab apples. carver only rested twice, and he walked a lot, saying hello to new dog friends and sniffing around.

a big bear yawn in the arboretum.


he looks like he is in a tavern in this one.


we just came back from a quick circle of parkton, and it actually was quick, with no laying down episodes-amazing! something e and I both notice is a bit of stubbornness on carver's part along with whatever else is going on. he seems to be just fine RUNNING to where he wants to go, but suddenly becomes very tired when it is time to switch directions or head home. I do not know how our pond walks are going to fit into this. I will not be able to go unless I have a solid couple of hours and it is not too cold out. thursday is suppose to be in the 60's...

what seems to be a new problem is carver has been falling down a bit lately-it is always when he is excited to go out, or to be climbing somewhere, then loses his footing. e bought some new rugs that we are putting on the wood floors. I feel so bad for that belly. it is awful to see him sprawled out on the floor. he sticks his nails out when it happens, then cannot traction to get himself back up.

It is nice to find myself calm after this long week. it has been a tough one. I cried a lot this week, almost as much as when we first received his diagnosis. I am grateful carver is able to walk more these past few days than he was on thursday. I know I can anticipate more of these resting days, and am trying to make that adjustment, and to enjoy the days where he is feeling more mobile, while not getting attached to either.

carver is now on a full course of tramadol, every 8 hours, or three times a day, which I think is helping.

carver had tramadol at 830 a.m., then at 430. I will probably give him his last pills of the day a little early, to get him on an earlier schedule for the week-not before 1030. he had 1/2 cans of a different health food store food this a.m., and 1/2 can wellness chicken this evening, along with too much kibble, which he threw up, along with the derramaxx. I cant double dose him, so I will try to keep this in mind in case he seems stiff in a couple of days. he pooped at the arb, peeded on both walks, and is sleeping on his bed, despite all the good smells coming from the kitchen.

a lot of help from my friends

a lot of goodness came out of yesterday. my friend L , who recently has lost her beloved dog friend max and her beloved cat friend henry, had read my blog, and called me at work, and we had a wonderful conversation about this whole thing. it was such a comfort to talk to someone who has been through this. she was incredibly helpful and supportive an made me feel much less crazy than I had been feeling. e came on the afternoon walk with c and I , and she really got him moving, being playful. e brings the fun! thank god for her and that gift! I cant describe the overwhelming feeling of seeing carver look happy again, to be having so much fun. it was such a relief. it also felt so good to have company on the walk-I am realizing how nervous I have become, worried that something will happen when I am out alone, that we will get stuck somehow, that I will not be able to handle whatever happens. carver's acupuncturist returned my call yesterday evening, and we had a good chat-after asking a lot of questions about carver's well being over the past couple of weeks, she told me I needed to go out to dinner-someplace really nice she said-she is great, funny & supportive. she will come give carver a treatment on monday. then beloved dr. w called back, and said everything he basically said on monday-to let carver set the pace (without letting him get lazy), and not to worry about doing any testing unless he is showing signs of breathing problems, or he has stopped eating, or seems lethargic. So I feel like I am finally opening up to yet another layer of this whole process. with each new layer I feel like I just fight and fight against it, before I can accept it and integrate it into our lives. a little breath, then something new happens. it is crazy making. my body has been crunched up into a tight curl, every muscle holding. I spent all last night just taking deep breathes and letting then out, trying to unfold all of this tension I have locked inside me.
I am off to work-a 12 hour day! e will be home, taking care of carver, so I know his day will be jolly. I already miss him, but think it will be good to get outside of this for awhile, and put my mind elsewhere-like on brownie sundae's and hot fudge sauce, which is what I am going to work to make right now!

big thanks and lots of love to e, l, j and dr. w for both putting up with my worry and helping me find a way out of it.

fri & sat just details

fri
tramadol at 7 am-no walk, just pee outside-raining
1/2 can wellness, cookie
tramadol at 330 pm-walk to & from ice skating rink field w/ e-NO LAYING DOWN!
peed & pooped
4pm-1/2 can wellness, derramaxx, little olive oil to help constipation
begged for pizza, in good spirits
tramadol 11ish

sat
woke up cheery, wanting to go out, but slipped on a patch of wood floor-seemed less excited afterwards
walked up & down parkton-despite the rain! one moment of maybe thinking about laying down, but I tugged a little and he kept walking. wanted to goto the pond-peed & pooped. slipped a couple of times-everything is slick with rain, and carver insists on climbing onto rocks, etc
lots of territory marking.
cookie, tramadol w/ cheese (730)
1/2 can wellness chicken, ate all the kibble in his bowl!
now resting. wish I could stay home!!

sick day

I woke up feeling queasy with a terrible neck and head ache, the same way i went to bed, so I called in sick, something I rarely do. I think it is just symptoms of all the stress I have been feeling about carver. when I got up this morning we went outside, but carver did not want to walk. we tried again around noon. we walked as far as the side yard, where carver decided to lay down. crossed the street-lied down in the parking lot, then back home. we went out again at 6pm-he had a little more energy, we made it to the jamaica way before he needed to lay down again. I feel totally lost in all of this. he slept all day, which is normal. he is a bit more moany and groany, but I cant say when that started. I have a call out to dr. w but I have not heard back from him yet. he did jump onto the couch this afternoon, where I have not seen him in a while. I dont know. basically, I dont know. the not knowing is tearing me up. but what good would knowing be, if we are not pursuing any more treatment? I keep wondering if this is something small and fixable, of course we should fix it. but everything checked out on monday. I am also broke, so that is another layer to all of this. basically I just want carver to be o.k., but how o.k. can you be when you have cancer? and you are pushing 13? and you have 3 legs? I just wish he would go for a walk again. I just hope that this isn't the beginning of the end.

details
first off, he did NOT get tramadol last night at 11-I wrote that in early, fell asleep with said headache around 730 pm, never woke up.

so-today
tramadol at 7 am-1/2 can wellness venison, tiny pee outside, no poop
another walk attempt at 12, tiny pee or two
tramadol at 3pm
1/2 can wellness chicken at 4
derramaxx at 4
walk attempt at 6pm-some good peeing & a tiny poop
WILL give tramadol at 11, have set my alarm for it.

pond rest

we walked to the pond today. carver was super energetic on the way there, we made it to the pond in 10 minutes-but the first thing he did was lie down. our whole time there was a series of short walks followed by a 10 minute rest. we walked down the bowl, near the water, then back. I had a really difficult time getting him to walk AT ALL when we were headed home. it really scared me. it is such a scary feeling to feel stuck with this huge, ailing dog. at times I was so freaked out I made him walk some, and then felt awful, he looked confused and stressed. but, once we got off the grounds of the park he did walk much more readily, so there was a bit of stubbornness mixed in there somewhere. but he had to lie down 2 more times on the way home. I was so relieved to reach our steps. we were out for a hour and a half. I still feel so stressed about the whole thing-it just does not make any sense, and I am needing it to. I am having a terrible time letting go of my expectations. a week ago he was fine! wanting not to walk in the a.m., but fine in the afternoons! this just seems so sudden. awhile after we got home, I spent some time stretching his legs, trying to see if I could pinpoint any place of pain, but he does not react. when he is running, is he masking the pain? or is it really that he is getting fatigued? what if it is a small curable injury that we are missing? I feel lost in all of this, not sure what the best way to take care of him is. I hate the idea of not going to the pond, but for the moment I also hate the idea of going. I am contemplating giving him a couple days of bed rest while I get him back on tramadol 3x a day instead of 2-I am just not sure. I feel stressed and scared and confused.

details
short walk this a.m.-food at first, slow going home-peed, no poop
tramadol at 7 a.m.
1/2 can wellness w/core kibble
tramadol at 3p.m.
pond walk 445-515, lots of rest breaks, seemed to be in some discomfort, pooped 2x, marked territory
ate a large bone on the way to the pond-worrisome
1/2 can wellness venison
deramaxx at 530

question-when was the last time I saw carver on the couch or the futon? he has been resting mostly on the floor-this may give me a clue..

the blood work is back

and dr. w says it looks good, all normal. I know I should feel elated, but I just don't. carver's sudden need to rest is gnawing at me. why is it happening? what is different? we walked up to cvs to pick up his tramadol prescription-what used to be a half hour walk, and would recently be a 45 minute walk took us over an hour. carver lied down a couple of times, wanting a rest-this after not walking at all this morning. he is still eating well, digestion is great, still jumps up to beg for pizza crust, still has a sparkle in his eye. he jumped up to greet me this afternoon and was happy to go outside. he did want to goto the pond today, but I was home late and did not want to go on such a big adventure in the rain. I will bring a book & some water tomorrow and try the pond and see how he does. I think this is going to take some getting used to on my end-it is a scary feeling to have a big old dog far away from home who has chosen to lay down in someone's yard. e points out that she thinks I am having a hard time with the whole roller coaster ride, and she is right. it has been an exhausting week, emotionally. I need to just adapt, once again.

so, here are the facts
declined am walk, small pee
tramadol at 7 am
1/2 can wellness venison w/ kibble
walk to cvs & back in pm, around 5-3 rest stops
derramax at 6pm
1/2 can wellness venison
cookie
tramadol at 9 pm