this week

gosh, it has been a long week with no posting. lots of updating to do, so here we go-

monday

carver and I headed over tp the field where the ice skating rink used to be. right away c found an old wiffle ball and began to lay down-I assumed he was going to lay down, rest and chew on it for awhile. I sat down next to him, ready to give into the resting, when carver, a glint in his eye, grabbed the ball and jumped up, trotting to the other side of the field. we played for a long time with the ball, gently, but he still loves to play a little soccer game we made up when he was little, tossing the ball back and forth to each other. it took us a long while to get home, but it was a cheery walk. Janice the acupuncturist came over to give c a treatment, and we always enjoy her visits. carver looked relaxed. Janice suggested two flower essences-one for him and one for me-to help us work with this new resting thing.

tuesday

e's car broke down on the way to work. she had an awful time, waiting over two hours to get towed. she ended up working from home while the car was being looked at. on a break, she heated up some left over pork and headed back into her office. she heard some crying coming from the hallway-carver! desperate to come in! we had not covered the floor leading to e's office, since carver did not spend a ton of time in there, and our whole house looks like a crazy fabric factory with rugs and blankets and meditation cushions and quilts and yoga mats lying all over the place, so carver does not have to manage the hard wood floor. anyway, carver made the brave leap into e's room so he could beg for pork! go carver! e took some very funny pictures that I will post later.

bad news of the day-the car is beyond repair, and we are looking at being a car-less household, at least until the fall. under normal circumstances I probably would feel bummed about this, I have become very spoiled with e having a car (I have never had one, not being a experienced driver) but with carver having three legs, and cancer, and being so slow these days, and with the dr. w being all the way in weymouth, the news hit me hard. the anxiety button is getting triggered a lot these days, and I have been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. But I think this will end up being workable. with car rentals, possibly zipcar, cabs & friends I think we will get by o.k. and e not having the expense of the car (and fuel!) is huge, of course! we are thankful that this happened at the beginning of the nice weather-if it had to happen, this is the right time!

wednesday

I decided to take carver with me to the connolly branch library to pick up some books. this would normally be a 30 minute walk pre cancer, a 45-1 hour walk post amp, but took us 1 1/2 hours. it was a rough walk, LOTS of rests in a not very restful area. this made me commit to myself and him to not take him on any more "city" walks in the neighborhood. the concrete is touch on his joints, there is lots of garbage on the ground, no good place to rest, too many people around, asking questions or screaming to there friends "HE ONLY HAS THREE LEGS!". neither of us enjoyed it and it really stressed me out-sometimes I do not feel like explaining to total strangers that carver has cancer. I know it is unfair, but sometimes I just can't face it. a gaas station attendent asked what happened, and when i said cancer he sucked in his breath, his face pained, and turned away, could not look at us. it was a sincere reaction, which I had appreciation for, but it brought me right into the pain of it, right there on the street, with carver not wanting to budge, laying on the sidewalk. I like to have some control over where my breakdowns take place.

I did got the meditation center on wednesday night, something I had made a commitment to myself to go do. during one of my break down moments over the week, e reminded me that I have not been doing my meditation practice, and that my instructor had told me how important the practice is for me now. but the truth is, I have been TERRIFIED to meditate. I have been so afraid to sit and face my feelings. so, wednesday being open house nice, I thought I would feel more secure and grounded if I sat with the group. I am so grateful that I did. it was a wonderful night. Acharya Emily Bower gave meditation instruction to the whole group, which was amazing. wonderful to get back to the very basics. she also gave a great talk about compassion and loving kindness practice. Afterwards I got to connect with some good friends, and had a full interview with my meditation instructor while standing in the middle of the lounge area. I left feeling supported and loved, and very inspired by the the teachings and the practice. I have practiced every day since, and am planning to got wednesday nights as often as I can. I have to say it also felt great to get out of the house!

thursday

was a rough day-I was working a split, which means I get up around 430, work from 6-2. run home to jp, walk c and feed him, give him meds etc, then go back to work. all the stress of the past couple of weeks caught up with me, and I was feeling pretty dark, just overwhelmed. c and I walked to the ice skating rink field again, which smelled awful with some sort of fertilizer that had just been layed down. it was a short walk, very warm out, lots of resting. I had a good talk with my friend c, who diagnosed me with caretakers burnout. she has offered to by my ticket to vermont for a birthday gift. e has been saying I should get away for a couple of days as well. I dont know when I will feel comfortable going, but the offers from both of them are so kind.

I think it is all the not knowing that is getting to me. this new phase of carvers, his needing to lay down on walks, just does not sit well with me, even though the doctor and e and every one around me is saying it is normal, just go with what he needs. I just can't accept it, it came on too fast. but what is the point of doing more tests if we are not going to pursue more surgery? and then there is the whole awful issue of money-even if i wanted to do tests, how would I pay for it? I have not been working as much as I used to since carver was diagnosed, which has been wonderful, exactly the slowing down that I really needed, but economically the whole things has caught up with me. another layer of stress.

this whole week, carver has walked every morning, short walks with some rests when we get up the hill, but even in the cold damp rainy days he has been interested. he has been on tramadol only 2x a day because of my work schedule, and on his usual derramaxx. his appetite and digestion have been great.

so that is the week, which leads us to-TODAY!