a lot of help from my friends

a lot of goodness came out of yesterday. my friend L , who recently has lost her beloved dog friend max and her beloved cat friend henry, had read my blog, and called me at work, and we had a wonderful conversation about this whole thing. it was such a comfort to talk to someone who has been through this. she was incredibly helpful and supportive an made me feel much less crazy than I had been feeling. e came on the afternoon walk with c and I , and she really got him moving, being playful. e brings the fun! thank god for her and that gift! I cant describe the overwhelming feeling of seeing carver look happy again, to be having so much fun. it was such a relief. it also felt so good to have company on the walk-I am realizing how nervous I have become, worried that something will happen when I am out alone, that we will get stuck somehow, that I will not be able to handle whatever happens. carver's acupuncturist returned my call yesterday evening, and we had a good chat-after asking a lot of questions about carver's well being over the past couple of weeks, she told me I needed to go out to dinner-someplace really nice she said-she is great, funny & supportive. she will come give carver a treatment on monday. then beloved dr. w called back, and said everything he basically said on monday-to let carver set the pace (without letting him get lazy), and not to worry about doing any testing unless he is showing signs of breathing problems, or he has stopped eating, or seems lethargic. So I feel like I am finally opening up to yet another layer of this whole process. with each new layer I feel like I just fight and fight against it, before I can accept it and integrate it into our lives. a little breath, then something new happens. it is crazy making. my body has been crunched up into a tight curl, every muscle holding. I spent all last night just taking deep breathes and letting then out, trying to unfold all of this tension I have locked inside me.
I am off to work-a 12 hour day! e will be home, taking care of carver, so I know his day will be jolly. I already miss him, but think it will be good to get outside of this for awhile, and put my mind elsewhere-like on brownie sundae's and hot fudge sauce, which is what I am going to work to make right now!

big thanks and lots of love to e, l, j and dr. w for both putting up with my worry and helping me find a way out of it.