truth is, carver isn't doing well. I had convinced myself that the new pain meds (gabapentin) that he has been on, along with the tramadol & derramaxx, had been managing his pain, since he seems to be resting comfortably inside. but having spent 3 days at home with him, I cannot deny his total lack of wanting to walk at all, and that that means he remains in pain. he has a tough time getting himself up. he heads to the door with a lot of enthusiasm, but once we get down the stairs he does only what he needs to then wants to go back in. i have spent the last couple of days online, researching other meds, driving my vets crazy with emails, afraid to tell them the whole truth in fear they will say that "it is time", when i feel deep in my gut that it is not. but I am beginning to realize if he stays the way he is now, that that time will be soon. I have been very anti vet office and very anti testing for a while now, but have decided to go see a specialist at Angell memorial, whose specialty is pain management. dr. Moses was recommended by my home visit vets. she has been on here & now, on npr, and is one of the only vets in the country doing this work. and she is right up the street. so, I have a call out to her office (they are closed today) and now that the decision has been made, can't wait to get an appointment. I just want so much much for carver to be comfortable, and to be able to walk some, to enjoy his time outside, to enjoy his final months. I feel a little bit more calmer, having admitted to my vets the whole truth, really to having admitted the whole truth to myself, and to have taken some action, the most I can do today. but still, I am terrified. what if Dr. Moses says there is nothing she can do? what if this appointment, tests & treatments are more than we can afford? I guess I finally came to the realization that the not knowing is killing me, my anxiety levels are so ramped up that i can't concentrate. so knowing, in any light, will be better than this constant worry, the relentless questioning.
Monday, February 16, 2009
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1 comment:
Louise, we understand completely the kinds of feelings you are having. It's so damn hard to know if one should continue seeking treatment or not for our fur kids.
For us, the big thing that helped us know when it was Jerry's time, was to agree on when to say when, before an emergency happened. We asked ourselves, what signs would we need from him to know that he was done fighting? When we agreed to certain signals, we stuck to them, as hard as it was to do so.
We know you will find the strength to make these tough decisions too. Carver has been a good teacher to you, and you are an excellent student. Hang in there.
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