13 months and 3 legs

yesterday was the 13 month anniversary of carver's amputation. it has continued to be a difficult week. carver had seemed to be doing worse after the vet's visit. e called me at work yesterday morning with the idea that maybe it was the new drug that was making him weaker. after many calls with the vet, who did some research and said, sure enough some dogs have a reaction of being weaker on the gabapentin. so we decided to take him off the drug until monday, then put him on a very low dose. in the meantime, carver spent yesterday evening crying. unless I was lying right next to him, and sometimes even then, he would cry. the thing with carver, is crying is the new everything. where he once had a myriad of different expressions and ways of communicating, now it is all the same cry, which equally breaks my heart and puts me into a panic. it is like having a newborn baby. at every cry, I try every possible answer-do you want to go out? I shake the harness. offer him his food bowl, and then the water. sit down next to him and pet him. get angry and start telling him to settle down, after an hour of staring at the closed blinds and crying. go into the kitchen and cry myself for being such a jerk and for feeling overwhelmed. carver and i had always been so linked-i could tell by the way his ears tilted what he was looking for. I have been mourning that loss of communication. anyway, we ended up giving him a 1/2 dose of the gabapentin, fearing it was the lack of the new drug, and that he was in pain. he did settle down, as did we. I woke up at midnight with my heart thumping wildly because I could hear him crying in a panicy way. I ran to the living room where he sleeps and could not find him. he had made his way into my office, where a bed for him is by the door. I think it was the closest he could get to me. I had taken out the runner that leads to our bedroom for a party we had, and had removed the bed-he has not slept in there with us in months, and did not think to replace it. I quickly got dressed and took him out where he peeded, then ran around the yard at a frantic pace until he pooped some. we came in, he to his bed in the living room. I set the alarm on my cell phone and curled up on the couch to be near him in case he needed me again.

I had a longish day today, and had carver's friend l come to just sit with him for a couple of hours. I have grown very protective of him, and am having a difficult time trusting anyone to take care of him, but he loves l and she loves him, and I wanted him to have some company. she left me a message at 4 saying he was doing well, but by the time I got home at 430 he was sitting in my room again, panting like crazy-he really needed to go out. I fed him when we got in, gave him derramaxx & tramadol, and sat next to him on the floor, where I remain. carver, after panting awhile, is now asleep, snoring away, pressed up against me.

we did manage to get an appointment with the pain specialist on friday, which, while I am not exactly looking forward to it, and grateful to have. I am hoping that we both find a way to control carver's pain and make him as comfortable as possible, and to gain some clarity as to where he is at, some sense of how he is feeling, some sense of something. I feel like I know very little and yet have to make all these decisions. I feel totally helpless and desperate to gain some sense of control, which is like trying to put a rope around water. I want to be able to put all of this anxiety and fear aside and just be with him. truth is I want him to get better or I want him to die peacefully in his sleep. thats not to say I don't want him right here, right now, by my side. I am just terrified at having to make any decisions for him.