a walk and a scare

carver and I went to the pond today-I was not planning on it, but he really wanted to go, and I thought we should, with the cool breeze and it not being too hot outside-god only knows how many days like this we have ahead. carver ran to the pond. we walked around "the house" which we used to do back when there actually was a house there. now it is just two plane trees in a giant fenced in area. it was the pinebrook mansion, a hotly debated piece of crumbling property that the city finally decided to tear down. we miss it. it has excellent graffiti if flying bats on the side.

anyway, carver did well. I took a bunch of pictures, but cannot find my usb cable anywhere for this tiny camera. we rested behind the house. sniffed some small dogs-only small dogs at the pond today-strange. he howled along with a fine engine.

but it was on the way back, when carver was resting and another engine flew by, when he was howling, that I heard it. a rattle, a raspy sound when he breathed deeply in to howl. it sent chills up my spine. Lung metastases are the most common with bone cancer, and without an x-ray are asymptomatic until they get bad. Carver does pant a lot, but I have been chocking it up to the heat. now I am not so sure. and I am totally unsure of how to proceed. do we get the lung x-rays, just to know? we are not going to put him through surgery again. what would knowing do? I feel scared, and sad. It is possible that it could be do to allergies-his eyes and nose have been congested, and these are not symptoms, so perhaps his lungs are clogged as well. I am going to call dr. w to see if we could try benadryl first to see if it is at all helpful.

ever since my dream the other night, I have had a sense of dread underneath all my feelings, a sense of time passing too quickly, of the days running out. I do not want to lose him and I do not want to see him suffer and I do not want to have to make any decisions. plain and simple. I want it all to go away. If carver has to die I want it to be pain free and in his sleep, along with everyone else I love and everyone else. I am just not sure how to face this.

but I want you to know, carver had a wonderful walk. he rested in the tall grass, howled and sniffed and ran and chewed sticks. he loves the pond best of all, his old stomping ground, the puppy play groups, dogs toppling over one another while their owners huddled, drinking coffee and gossiping. running away from the rangers, swimming and chasing squirrels, five minutes away from home, the place where every dog in jp ended up at one point in the day. I am so glad we went to the pond today. I am so happy to be here on the couch with him right now.

A letter to the vet who first diagnosed carver

Dear Dr. M

On January 11 of this year you diagnosed my 12 year old Lab/Shepard/Border collie mix Carver with osteosarcoma. You told us that there was nothing we could do, that he would die within one to two weeks, and that we should consider putting him down, as soon as that same day. We were sent home with a weeks worth of tramadol and an awful decision to make.

After the initial shock wore off, my partner and I took out our computers and began to do research, in hopes of achieving a greater understanding of what carver was going through. We discovered that many dogs have the limb of the tumor site amputated to relieve them of the pain of the cancer. We called a veterinarian we trust who works at the VCA in Weymouth to get a second opinion.

One of the reasons we chose to seek out a second opinion was that Carver did not seem different. He did not exhibit any change in personality that would indicate that he was ready to move on from this life. I could not match the diagnosis with the dog in front of me. We knew going in that amputation might only give us an additional 3-4 months. But we thought it was worth a shot, to have some time to give Carver all the life he wanted, to do all the things he loves to do, and to slow down at his own pace. With the intention of giving Carver the best end of life possible, and with the support of Dr. Walker, 5 days after his diagnosis Carver's leg was amputated.

Today marks the five month anniversary of Carver's surgery. I can honestly say that in these 5 months Carver has led a happy, active, joyful senior life. Although he has slowed down some, with the help of Derramaxx and an occasional Tramadol, Carver enjoys twice daily walks and visits to the Jamaica Pond and the Arboretum. He loves being outside, loves being with us in all that we do, and remains the dog we always knew.

I am writing because I wanted you to know that your initial prognosis was wrong. At the time of diagnosis, you did not present us with any treatment options. Had we followed your advice, we would be marking a much different anniversary today. A veterinarian's responsibility is to diagnose, and to lay out all options available, to to help guide the caretaker to the most appropriate option for their animal. A pet owner should be given the respect that they know their animal best, and their experience and intuition should be included in the making of any treatment plan.

We know that we will lose Carver sometime soon, most likely to this cancer. These past five months have truly been a blessing. At five months, we have beaten the statistics of a dog with amputation and no further treatment. We are grateful for every day we have with him.

I am writing this not out of anger, but with the sincere hope that this experience will be of help to you in your practice, and that Carver's experience will be of benefit to your clients, especially the seniors and the dogs who are given the hard diagnosis of cancer.

Sincerely,

happy 5 month anniversary carver!

today marks 5 months since carver's amputation surgery. 5 months! and here we are on a lazy cloudy afternoon, cuddled up on the couch. carver has been doing well, congested but happy. I found out that congestion is not a sign of lung mets, so I feel a little more at ease. carver does have a bump that is boney feeling on his rib that I am worried about, but have been pushing out if my mind, wanting to focus on NOW-5 months! 4 1/2 more months then we were first given! 1 month more than the statistics! I try to not worry all the time, and sometimes I succeed, although I wonder if it is really "stuffing away" rather than "not worrying". I awoke from a dream last night that a vet had moved into our triple decker, and i asked him if, when the time came, he could help carver over to the other side, here at home. I woke to carver panting, needing to go outside. I did not remember the dream until later on this afternoon while I was at work, and it came as a shock. I guess a part of me is always anticipating the end, although i am glad that the other parts are more focused on celebrating, especially on an auspicious day like today.

a quick update

I have not been writing much these days-my mom and step dad are visiting, and the heatwave came and put both carver and me in a catatonic state. carver has not been doing well in the heat, so we have not been walking much, so there has not been much to write about. but, truth be told, carver is doing wonderfully. he is in good spirits, and we both have been going with the flow of the weather and all the activity around the house. carver loves having visitors (he especially loves joe) and has been happy to have so much company. all is well!

the new normal

carver just came back from a good walk in the rain. we walked across the field where the ice skating rink used to be. we are so happy to see the no mow signs in the field, where the Shasta daisies are already up and blooming. the field has been mowed the last couple of years, much to our heart break. but the folks who are trying to restore all of Olmsted park to its original glory are on the watch. soon the daisies will give way to black eyed susans, queen Anne's lace in the fall, whose sturdy cups will hold puffs of new fallen snow come winter. time is on my mind these days, time passing. while carver has had his ups and downs, the new normal-these ups and downs-and while I learn to keep flexible in my mind and let him do what he needs, I have been stuffing down some deep feelings of despair. In the back of my mind I know that each day is one day closer to losing carver. i know i should not feel that way. I have been trying to stay cheerful and present and grateful for every moment, and for the most part I can. when he layed down in the tall wet grass, his face was filled not with pain or exhaustion, but elation. I laughed just looking at that big wet snout, covered in pollen. but underneath the joy is a deep sadness, and a whole bunch of fear. all of this has manifested as exhaustion , and a total lack of willingness to do much of anything these days. after therapy yesterday, with some good crying, and meditation practice today, I am feeling, well, better? maybe just feeling, period. I keep circling back to the truth of losing him, and the pain of that, and how afraid I am-afraid to be with out him, the fear of seeing him in pain, the fear of knowing what to do, of reading him right, of knowing when to let go.

carver and e's trip to the arb while i was at work

carver in the lush grass, alone....

and with a friend!

carver is back!

carver was raring to go this morning, again, after a fine walk yesterday afternoon. We headed down to daisy field where we met a puppy boxer named jake, and a couple of other nice dogs. the best thing was that we ran into our friend pamela with her pack of old dogs, who we have not seen since this ground was still snowy. she called out to us-'its great to see your dog looking so fabulous, darling!" I agree!!