the new normal

carver just came back from a good walk in the rain. we walked across the field where the ice skating rink used to be. we are so happy to see the no mow signs in the field, where the Shasta daisies are already up and blooming. the field has been mowed the last couple of years, much to our heart break. but the folks who are trying to restore all of Olmsted park to its original glory are on the watch. soon the daisies will give way to black eyed susans, queen Anne's lace in the fall, whose sturdy cups will hold puffs of new fallen snow come winter. time is on my mind these days, time passing. while carver has had his ups and downs, the new normal-these ups and downs-and while I learn to keep flexible in my mind and let him do what he needs, I have been stuffing down some deep feelings of despair. In the back of my mind I know that each day is one day closer to losing carver. i know i should not feel that way. I have been trying to stay cheerful and present and grateful for every moment, and for the most part I can. when he layed down in the tall wet grass, his face was filled not with pain or exhaustion, but elation. I laughed just looking at that big wet snout, covered in pollen. but underneath the joy is a deep sadness, and a whole bunch of fear. all of this has manifested as exhaustion , and a total lack of willingness to do much of anything these days. after therapy yesterday, with some good crying, and meditation practice today, I am feeling, well, better? maybe just feeling, period. I keep circling back to the truth of losing him, and the pain of that, and how afraid I am-afraid to be with out him, the fear of seeing him in pain, the fear of knowing what to do, of reading him right, of knowing when to let go.