its been a couple of rough days,

after a couple of really fun ones. maybe they were too much fun. e and I were both really craving to get out of town and into some nature last sunday, and to see something new. we headed west, first to concord, where we took carver for a walk at fairey pond, a pond very close to Walden, but where dogs are allowed (and off leash to boot!). carver loved fairey pond, especially its muddy banks. right away he ended up stuck in a deep decline by the water, climbing down to retrieve someones lost tennis ball. I climbed down, grabbed the ball and using his red handle hauled him up. he looked happy, and very interested in the ball. like a complete idiot I tossed the ball down the path-sure enough, it went right down the embankment, and carver right back down. this time he ended up stuck knee deep in a thick mud. a couple of times he tried to lift up his front, only to end up face down in the water. terrified I scrambled down, hauled him out of the mud and back up. he immediately shook himself off, covering my new white shirt in mud flecks. again, what was I thinking? a white shirt? carver went back on the leash until we reached a clean sandy beach to do dipping into the pond. we met a beautiful newfoundland puppy who showed off his swimming skills while carver layed down in the shallow water. we hung out for awhile, watching the pup swim by his toy in the middle of the pond that his owners were trying to get him to retrieve. finally success, with e walking into the pond in her crocs to grab the toy once it got close enough to the shore. we walked up the path aways, carver beside me, when I turned around a saw that carver had got his remaining front foot stuck in a deep hole left by soil washed away around the roots of a tree. I told him to stop (but really, he was not going any where), and lifted him out. what a crazy combination of beauty and stress!

from there we headed to conservation land in carlisle, which has an ice cream stand next to some cows, sheep and goats. carver has never been able to get so close to farm animals before-he gave them a sniff and seemed more interested in looking for dropped cheerios on the ground, but the cows were VERY interested in him. e and I got cones (mint chip for me, butter pecan for her) and carver got a small vanilla, which he loved. it was a challenge to get him to not eat the paper cup!

we ended up driving to rockport for dinner, which is a long drive, and by the end we could really see that carver was uncomfortable-wit his one front leg it is difficult for him to maneuver himself in the back seat, and we could tell he really wanted to shift his weight around. we were all happy to be home after such a long adventure. e and I agreed that we do not want to do anything on the weekends that does not involve carver. it is too much fun to be with him, and every day is a blessing.

well, he was doing o.k. on monday-we all slept in, and had a short walk in the arboretum later that day, but by yesterday carver was visibly in pain. e gave him tramadol in the morning, and I did again in the afternoon. carver did not want to walk at all tuesday morning, nor did he in the afternoon. he was breathing very hard all night, and it was difficult to figure out if it was the meds (which can cause panting, but have not in him so far) if he needed to got the bathroom or if he was in unbearable pain. I kept rubbing him, trying to get him to settle down, and noticed that he has some small scraped on his remaining front leg. when we touch one he flinched. none of us got any sleep last night-first e woke up, then c then me. i was full of worry-if anything happens to that leg, we are in trouble. we need that leg!!! no walking again this morning, and i needed to bring him his food to get him to eat this morning. but by the time I arrived home this afternoon carver was ready to go. we walked all the way to the field before carver needed to rest. we rested a good bit on the tail leg of the walk, but it was a relief to see him so willing. he is laying beside me on the ground right now, both of us on his bed. he is panting some, but nothing like yesterday. I am going to hold out on giving him any drugs until before bed, unless something shifts. I want to examine that leg again, but am waiting for him to settle down a bit.

a couple of things are weighing on my mind right now-the first being that my letter to dr. m, the vet who diagnosed carver, is long over due. I need to express to her what I feel she did wrong, in the hopes that she will learn from it and not put anyone else through what we went through. If it were up to her we would have not had these 4+ months. the other thing is that I have been invited to visit one of my oldest pals in vermont in a couple of weeks, and have a plan to go, but I am full of worry about the whole thing and do not know if I can do it. I have not left carver fro longer than a work day since his diagnosis. I really want to go, and a part of me feels like it would be good for me to go, to have a couple of days not care taking. but I have so much doubt and worry, so much superstition and fear. and most of all, so much uncertainty. what if carver begins to down slide because I am not there? or just because its time-what if I miss this time with him and it is some of our last? don't I have the rest of my life to got vermont? is it selfish? or would I return replenished? the funny thing is, I do not feel drained. one of the biggest surprises about this whole thing is how much I love taking care of him. I really love it. it is sweet and dear and I feel lucky to to doing it. I never thought I would ever feel this way. so I am full of indecision.

happy memorial day!

carver finishes off his small vanilla

a mid week update

carver has been doing very well these days- I feel like I am in this quiet cozy daze of every thing being good and carver doing well and it is beautiful outside-o.k., the irish catholic in me is pretty sure I have just jinxed myself something awful. but really, things are good. carver and I have settled into this nice, intuitive pattern where we either go for a walk or we play ball in the yard-basically I just do whatever he seems to feel like doing in the moment. he has been playful and cozy and always wanting to be close. he sleeps in our bedroom again on most nights, howls some mornings when I leave for work, and is by my side the whole time I am home. and I am most most days by 3, so we have a lot of time to hang out together. it is a wonderful time. I feel like this is the first time I have not been completely stressed since carvers diagnosis, and it feels glorious. j just left after giving carver acupuncture, and he is sleeping on his bed at my feet. I have been noticing his hind legs seem weaker, but it hasn't really had too big of an effect on his mobility yet, so that is a blessing. he just has a hard time sitting down. j thought it was probably his back knees.

next up-posting one million beautiful pics of carver that e took over the weekend on a walk in the arboretum.

carver on his 4 month anniversary

today is carver's 4 month anniversary

of his amputation. a strange date to celebrate, I admit. even this morning I was looking at where the leg had been, remembering his long back stretches he used to do upon rising. he does a shorter, modified one, but it does not look as satisfying. it is a very significant day, though. the prognosis for a dog with bone cancer who has an amputation but no chemotherapy is 3-4 months. 3-4 months-we have beaten the odds! Back in January, when we received his awful diagnosis and was told he had a week to two to live, I never would have imagined we would still all be together on this glorious spring day. every day has been a blessing, but I would like to say that today is a little extra special, knowing we really have been given a gift with carver doing as well as he has been. it was a slow day in terms of walking. this morning was rainy and cold, and carver didn't want to get off the couch. then the clouds burned off, only to reveal a burning hot sun-too hot this time. we are waiting for just right. carver and I walked up to the store, and we rested A LOT on the way home. e returned from teaching and picked us up on ashcroft street. He is always so excited to see her, and he leaped up and ran to the car as soon she puled up. now, after lunch and a couple of tramadol carver is asleep at my feet, one paw resting on my ankle. sweet pup.

a walk of surprises

I forgot to give carver his derramaxx last night, so I was not surprised when he didn't want to go for a walk this morning. to be honest, I didn't push it-another early morning breakfast at work, another crazy day. but when I arrived home, carver was excited to go out. I have had a rough week, working a ton, and have been feeling run down, so I wanted to keep it to a short walk. we headed to the field where the Kelley rink used to be, in front of the paths to wards. carver was in full territory marking mode. once again he led me to the paths towards ward's. there are two paths that run parallel to each other, one hugging a stream that connects wards to willow pond. when we turned to walk on the outer path, to head back home, carver made a bee line to the stream, walking along with his paws in the water, like he always used to do. I walked down through the thicket to stay close to him, trying to stay out of the mud. mid stream, what did carver do but decide to lay down! in the stream! I sat close to him, and watched the cool water drift over his hips and legs. it looked good, cooling. dogs are amazing in their instinct to care for themselves. I know carver just loved the water, but I can't help but wonder how good it must have felt on his sore joints. I wanted to join him. we saw chipmunks on the walk running in the dead leaves, lily of the valley just opening its tiny white bells. the dandelions on the field are in full puff. we both were covered in inch worms. it took us a while to get back home, partially thanks to a baseball carver found and was very playful with. but his hips look sore, and he needed lots of resting to get back home. I was happy to arrive, help carver onto the porch and get him his supper. e is going to a play tonight and I have a surprise night off, so it is pizza and tv for c and I, and an early bedtime for us both.

read this book!!

I am about half way through this book, and I love it. Dr. Trout is a surgeon at Angell Memorial, the animal hospital up the street from my house. It is a wonderful look at animal health care, from the view of a veterinarian. This is a must read for anyone who has spent a good amount of time at the vet's office. Dr. Trout has a great sense of humor and tells stories with honesty and compassion. I could see many aspects of myself in the stories of the animal's owners and can recognize many aspects of the million vets carver has seen over the years as well. I appreciate Dr. Trout writing about veterinary training and interns, as I have had many bad experiences with young vets and it is the reason why I no longer use Angell Memorial, a teaching hospital. If I could be guaranteed Dr. Trout, maybe I would change my mind! At the heart of this book is the dog stories-inspiring, heart breaking and true. Dr. Trout takes a clear and funny look at the whole pet care industry from the inside-from what the vet is thinking about your big manila folder of internet research to the expense of it all- illuminating!

here is a link to an interview with Dr. Trout with Terry Gross on Fresh Air