its been a couple of rough days,

after a couple of really fun ones. maybe they were too much fun. e and I were both really craving to get out of town and into some nature last sunday, and to see something new. we headed west, first to concord, where we took carver for a walk at fairey pond, a pond very close to Walden, but where dogs are allowed (and off leash to boot!). carver loved fairey pond, especially its muddy banks. right away he ended up stuck in a deep decline by the water, climbing down to retrieve someones lost tennis ball. I climbed down, grabbed the ball and using his red handle hauled him up. he looked happy, and very interested in the ball. like a complete idiot I tossed the ball down the path-sure enough, it went right down the embankment, and carver right back down. this time he ended up stuck knee deep in a thick mud. a couple of times he tried to lift up his front, only to end up face down in the water. terrified I scrambled down, hauled him out of the mud and back up. he immediately shook himself off, covering my new white shirt in mud flecks. again, what was I thinking? a white shirt? carver went back on the leash until we reached a clean sandy beach to do dipping into the pond. we met a beautiful newfoundland puppy who showed off his swimming skills while carver layed down in the shallow water. we hung out for awhile, watching the pup swim by his toy in the middle of the pond that his owners were trying to get him to retrieve. finally success, with e walking into the pond in her crocs to grab the toy once it got close enough to the shore. we walked up the path aways, carver beside me, when I turned around a saw that carver had got his remaining front foot stuck in a deep hole left by soil washed away around the roots of a tree. I told him to stop (but really, he was not going any where), and lifted him out. what a crazy combination of beauty and stress!

from there we headed to conservation land in carlisle, which has an ice cream stand next to some cows, sheep and goats. carver has never been able to get so close to farm animals before-he gave them a sniff and seemed more interested in looking for dropped cheerios on the ground, but the cows were VERY interested in him. e and I got cones (mint chip for me, butter pecan for her) and carver got a small vanilla, which he loved. it was a challenge to get him to not eat the paper cup!

we ended up driving to rockport for dinner, which is a long drive, and by the end we could really see that carver was uncomfortable-wit his one front leg it is difficult for him to maneuver himself in the back seat, and we could tell he really wanted to shift his weight around. we were all happy to be home after such a long adventure. e and I agreed that we do not want to do anything on the weekends that does not involve carver. it is too much fun to be with him, and every day is a blessing.

well, he was doing o.k. on monday-we all slept in, and had a short walk in the arboretum later that day, but by yesterday carver was visibly in pain. e gave him tramadol in the morning, and I did again in the afternoon. carver did not want to walk at all tuesday morning, nor did he in the afternoon. he was breathing very hard all night, and it was difficult to figure out if it was the meds (which can cause panting, but have not in him so far) if he needed to got the bathroom or if he was in unbearable pain. I kept rubbing him, trying to get him to settle down, and noticed that he has some small scraped on his remaining front leg. when we touch one he flinched. none of us got any sleep last night-first e woke up, then c then me. i was full of worry-if anything happens to that leg, we are in trouble. we need that leg!!! no walking again this morning, and i needed to bring him his food to get him to eat this morning. but by the time I arrived home this afternoon carver was ready to go. we walked all the way to the field before carver needed to rest. we rested a good bit on the tail leg of the walk, but it was a relief to see him so willing. he is laying beside me on the ground right now, both of us on his bed. he is panting some, but nothing like yesterday. I am going to hold out on giving him any drugs until before bed, unless something shifts. I want to examine that leg again, but am waiting for him to settle down a bit.

a couple of things are weighing on my mind right now-the first being that my letter to dr. m, the vet who diagnosed carver, is long over due. I need to express to her what I feel she did wrong, in the hopes that she will learn from it and not put anyone else through what we went through. If it were up to her we would have not had these 4+ months. the other thing is that I have been invited to visit one of my oldest pals in vermont in a couple of weeks, and have a plan to go, but I am full of worry about the whole thing and do not know if I can do it. I have not left carver fro longer than a work day since his diagnosis. I really want to go, and a part of me feels like it would be good for me to go, to have a couple of days not care taking. but I have so much doubt and worry, so much superstition and fear. and most of all, so much uncertainty. what if carver begins to down slide because I am not there? or just because its time-what if I miss this time with him and it is some of our last? don't I have the rest of my life to got vermont? is it selfish? or would I return replenished? the funny thing is, I do not feel drained. one of the biggest surprises about this whole thing is how much I love taking care of him. I really love it. it is sweet and dear and I feel lucky to to doing it. I never thought I would ever feel this way. so I am full of indecision.