carver miller 1995-2009

it's time

with the saddest of hearts I share with you that carver will be released with the assistance of our vets at home tonight at 7 p.m.

for months now, I have asked my friends who have lost dogs "how did you make the decision?" everyone replied "you will know" but I didn't believe them until now.
Carver has been losing strength in his back legs for about a month or two now. By last Monday c was unable to put any pressure on his back left leg, the same side of his body as the amputation. He needed assistance to do the shortest of walks. After a long night in the yard with c, Elizabeth came inside Tuesday morning at 6 a.m., and said it is time. I knew fully in my heart she was right. I called the vets that day, and made the appointment for Sunday, wanting to spend the weekend with him before we let him go. what we were not expecting was for carver to decline so quickly. by Friday night carver could no long get up on his own, or stay standing on his own. walking is completely not an option.

we have spent the last 36 hours or so always with carver, mostly in the yard, where we have set up a bed. he has a hard time getting comfortable, and is awake much of the time, panting. when he sleeps, he does so heavily. friends have been stopping by to spend time with us and to give carver their last pats, to say goodbye and to wish him a good passage.

with the advice of my teachers I have been doing tonglen practice with carver, a Buddhist practice that involves breathing in his pain and fear, and breathing out to him calm, warm, loving energy. I also have been reciting chants to him, with the aspiration that he be reborn into the human realm. it is said that if an animal hears the Dharma, that they purify their karma, and can be reborn into a higher realm, into a human who then hears the Dharma, and works towards the end of suffering for all. I am grateful to be able to take refuge in my practice at this time, when otherwise there is really nothing to do. I feel like I am actually doing something, where as otherwise I would feel totally helpless.

I have spent the best parts of these days talking to carver, letting him know how much I love him, and that we will be fine, and that it is o.k. to let go now. I tell him stories of our lives together, remembering him as a puppy, as a feisty teen, as the beautiful graceful, regal dog he became.

my therapist reminded me of something important the other day-that although I am feeling the loss of all of him right now, that really I have lost so much of him over the year, that i have been grieving this whole 15 months as I have lost things one by one. i remember when the tail went from being held close to his body, to not being able to wag at all. i do not know when the howling with the sirens ended, but I miss that so much. it has been months since carver has been able to jump on the couch. yesterday I was remembering so many cozy afternoons, both of us sleeping on the sofa, his feet entwined in my legs. its been over a year since carver could sleep in the bed with us, his long body diagonal across the bed, his long legs outstretched, pining down the covers so I was left chilly in the corner. how could I miss this? but I do.

I have loved this time taking care of carver, slowing down, letting everything else that I could drop away. the most simple of acts, cleaning his fur, massaging his legs, hand feeding him when he could not get up to eat. offering him fresh water. sitting on the porch in the sun when we could no longer go for walks. we have had 15 months, so much longer than we ever thought possible. we have entered into our second spring, when our first goal was just to get to the first. I have so much to be grateful for.

first, for my dear friends, who have been such a source of love, strength and support, not to mention understanding when I had to cancel plans, or when i got to the point where i could not even make them. to my boss and co-workers, for being so understanding when i came in 3 hours late, left early, or arrived completely sleep deprived and pretty much useless, if I arrived at all. for my wonderful friends at bonecancerdogs.org and their sister yahoo group-I could never have imagined being able to feel so supported and cared for by a group of people I have never met, but they have been there for me every step of the way, calming me down, giving excellent advice, mailing me their leftover medication when their own dogs had passed. and for my online friends, you who have stumbled onto our blog, and have followed our story and sent such lovely wishes.for my Sangha friends, who never treated carver as anything less than a fully sentient being, who listened and practiced with me, and who will practice tonglen for carver in the days to come, all wishing for him to have a safe passage, and a joyful rebirth. for Dr. walker, who said it could be done, and saw him through it, for Emily & miaja, our home visit vets, that answered every email as quickly as possible and called just to check in. not having to bring carver into a doctor's office was an amazing comfort. to Dr. moses, the pain management specialist over at Angell memorial, who made carver as comfortable as possible these past few months, allowing for us to have that precious time to be able to care for him, and to begin the process of excepting the end.

I could not begin to express the gratitude I feel for having Elizabeth in my life, carver's other mom, who held me up, praised me for what i was doing, asked all the right questions and made all the phone calls I was too afraid to make, and who loves carver as much as I do, with a sweetness that is beautiful to witness.

it is 6 a.m. now, and carver is asleep in his bed in the yard. the sun has been rising as I write this, the birds greeting the dawn. my last day on earth with carver has begun. let it be a peaceful one for him, and for us.

I will spend the day with this aspiration in my heart for carver, for myself, and for all of you

may we know happiness and the root of happiness.
may we be free from suffering and the root of suffering.
may we not be separated from the great happiness, devoid of suffering.
may we dwell in the great equanimity, free from passion, aggression and hatred.
may we all know profound brilliant glory.

thanks to e and her iphone

success!

carver seems to be feeling better all around. he slept through the night last night, only stirring to come into our room to sleep some more in there. out for a short walk this morning with no hesitation. rice for breakfast, and yogurt. I got home this afternoon from an appointment at 430, a little late for me, but c seemed fine. we spent about 40 minutes outside in the snow, some laying in snowbanks, but we did walk around a bit, and then all the way around the house! a normal, healthy bowel movement ( i know you do not want to hear about this, but this is a big triumph for me!) and he is now cozy with me on the floor. deep breath. happy for this moment of peace, for the worry to loosen its grips and to enjoy the simplicity of our lives, the floor, the cozy blanket over both of us, the evening news.

carver comes alive!

carver loves the snow. I keep trying to take pictures but apparently all aa batteries in my house are spent. anyway, carver had a good walk today after a terrible, scary night. but I am getting ahead of myself. I got home about 3 yesterday, the snow storm just moving out after leaving a solid 10 inches of snow on the ground. carver and I immedietley headed outside. the new normal being that carver only goes into the yard to relieve himself, and then back up the stairs, I was shocked to see carver head right into the yard. we walked to the back fence and back, lay in the tallest snowbank he could find, did some sniffing of a neighborhood dog. when it was time to go in, we headed towards the steps-but instead of going up, carver headed down the shoveled side walk. we walked all the way down the street, turned onto parkwood terrance, and made it to the steps of our neighbor mary & al's house. I think he would have kept going, but I turned him around, knowing we we re getting close to carver's acupuncture appointment.

janice came at 530. she put in over 30 needles, working the whole spine, both hind legs, including the ankles, then back to do the lumbar spine again. carver comfortably turned over a couple of times, and seemed alert and in good spirits. she said he seemed better than the last time she came, which was probably 2 1/2 weeks ago. she also confirmed the fact that we are in "the next level", or something like that. closer to his death. it is something I have acknowledged to myself, but there is something about hearing it from someone else that really brings it home. janice just lost her own 14 year old dog. she has been such a good support for both carver and me.

after the appointment, carver wanted to go outside. he seemed anxious, panting . carver has had diarrhea for a couple of days now, and I figured he needed to go again. he walked to the back of the yard, and squatted. I decided to try & move his tail out of the way-he had been soiling himself ever since this started, and I thought we could try to avoid it. I moved his tail up about 1/2 and inch, and he screamed in pain, leaping away from me and laying in the snow. I was in a panic, shocked and left feeling awful and frightened. I took him back in, but he continued to pant and cry, shaking so hard sometimes his teeth chattered. I felt overwhelmed with guilt and fear that I had made his pain peremenently worse. we immedietly gave him his next dose of tramadol and tried to calm him down. a heating pad on his lower back, he finally fell into a fretful sleep. carver continued to have diahrrea, and we went out several times during the night, about every two hours, until we both finally fell into a deep sleep in the living room around 330 a.m.

I took carver out around 8 this morning before I headed to work. still sick, he did what he needed to then cried for me to help him right up the stairs. I left for work feeling sad and nervous.

when I came home carver was sound asleep. I fed him some yogurt while he was still laying down, and gave him his afternoon meds. he drifted off again. I could stand it for about 30 minutes, but then I started to worry again. what if he was in so much pain all he could do was sleep? I poked him until he woke up, roused him with rice in his kibble bowl, then shook his jacket until he stood up. we begun the trip in the yard, where he walked to the back yard again. he spent some time in the snow, sniffing the air. but then, jsut like yesterday, he was on the move! we made it almost to the jamaica way and back. carver's back legs look very weak, but that does not stop him from walking in the deepest snow he can find! he really seemed to enjoy his time outside. we were out for about 45 minutes, him running down the shoveled path, then tossing himself in the snow. he still seems a bit sick, but his change in diet will hopefully do the trick. I am just grateful he seems to not be in pain, that I didn't break some part of him last night, and that he can still enjoy himself out in the world. my attitude towards the snow has totally changed!

a quick carver update

carver has shown some improvement since he began his new pain regiment last friday. he has been walking in the house more, going into my office, where e and I are now sleeping on the futon. the room is closer to the living room, and I laid beds for him on the floor that go from the door to our bed. he tens to spend half the night in there, then back to the living room. our whole apartment is swathed in fabric and memory foam.
anyway, he seems to have less trouble getting up, is more alert, and continues to eat well. on the downside, his cognitive disorder (lets just call it Alzheimer's from now on) has been kicking in. wednesday and thursday were the worst, with carver barking & whining from about 4pm on until he fell sleep late in the night. I have to be next to him on the ground in order for him to calm down. this is cozy, but there are chores to do, and after a few hours I end up feeling cagey. the stress of it has taken it's toll. I really thought i was cracking up friday morning, when carver was crying because I was in the kitchen doing dishes. e got up early and laid down with him so I could finish. the weekend has been much better though. friday night and all day Saturday he has been calm, with us home, and he has seemed more like his normal self. being outside helps him always, so we have been spending a lot of time on the front porch, me reading & him barking at the neighbors. we were blessed with a few warm days but today the snow is falling again, and by tomorrow night we are suppose to have over a foot. carver usually loves the snow, and I hope this is still the case. as for me, I feel like i would give up my soul to see a crocus popping its head out of the ground. I need spring, this winter has been a long tough one all around. I checked in with the vets on wednesday-dr. m said she was surprised to see improvement to quickly, and to keep on the regime for a couple more weeks and see how it goes. c is still not wanting to walk outside at all for recreation, and does not seem to interested in the world beyond the porch, with the exception of an occasional passing dog, or a sniff at near by garbage. I really am a but anxious at wanting to up some of the meds and see if we can get him walking, but if we cannot listen to and trust the pain management vet, then who can we? another strange symptom has popped up as well-he is chewing on one of his hind legs, tearing the hair out. I spray it with bitter apple in the morning with bitter apple (which I tasted-I didn't think it was too bad, but carver disagrees) which does the trick, but my curiosity gets the best of me. is it pain? or a strange side effect from one of the drugs? boredom? hallucination? who knows. I have an email out to dr. m, and will hear from her tomorrow.
but, for now, things are quiet and peaceful. carver is sleeping next to me on the floor, very cozy. we have had a good morning, and have the day stretched out in front of us.

we received another offer of left over meds from a friend on the yahoo group bonecancerdogs
I continue to be amazed at the compassion, generosity, and support I receive from these amazing people.
If you have a minute, take a look at brian's blog
brian just passed a few weeks ago, and his people kept an excellent blog of his story.

pain management

I have been meaning to write an update for days now, but I think on some level I was waiting to see how things were going before I dared.

carver went to see a pain management specialist at Angell Memorial hospital in Jamaica Plain. it took me awhile to decide to make the appointment. e and I have had some not so great experiences at angell over the years (one including a test-crazy intern, a $500 bill, and our finding out in the end that all we needed was an extra litter box for our elderly cat [which a non-Angell vet had to tell us]). a few months after the amputation surgery I had made a silent pact with carver-no more vet visits, no more invasive tests. but the home visit vets (maija and emily) had recommended her, and carver was obviously not doing well, not wanting to walk at all. about a year ago I had set aside money for the end of carver's life. i have guarded that money with a tight fist, but finally realized that if I did not spend some of it, the end could be coming sooner rather than later. so, appointment made, and off we went.

our awesome neighbor friend ryan drove me, e & c up the street to the hospital (it is literally up the street, about a 5 minute walk, if carver could still walk). we met with dr. M last friday. she is a wonderful person, really present. the appointment started with loads of questions, about his diagnosis, surgery, recovery, treatment, and current decline. she did a physical exam and then asked us if we wanted to do x-rays, which we did, just 1 view of his lower spine. we wanted to rule out the possibility of the cancer having spread to his spine and to eliminate the possibility of there being a mass in or around his spine. the x rays showed no cancer returning, but what she suspected, which is lumbar spinal stenosis. basically some of his lower vertebrae have shifted their angle, and are pressing on the nerves of his spine.

the big surprise of the appointment was that she also diagnosed carver with canine cognitive dysfunction, or ccd, or doggie Alzheimer's, if you will. this explained the staring at the walls and barking. more on this in a moment.

we discussed doing an mri to confirm the diagnosis of stenosis, and the option of surgery (both of which i declined)
we talked about quality of life, and she did help me by giving me the most basic of things to look for and consider-can he walk, go to the bathroom without assistance, I can't remember the other things, but it grounded me in a way that the number system that m & em gave me could not. it gave me some bench markers to pay attention to.

then we discussed meds. she started us on a program that has room to grow, lower doses of med that can be slowly raised. (i will write the protocol at the end of this post.) we discussed prednisone, which I had brought up to m & em, but the side effects of the drug sound like a horror show, including the need to first ween him off of the deramaxx, a process which he would have to take narcotics in order to stand. We have taken the prednisone option off the table for now. I left with the promise to check in with her early this week, and we will begin the process of tweaking the medication.

I walked out of the hospital feeling totally drained, and not a little confused emotionally. it seems like all the good news was mixed in with bad. it was great to see that the x-rays did not show any cancer, but the stenosis is a terrible thing. and in a way if we had seen the cancer returning, we would have a more clear view of what to do. I think a part of me wanted to know something concrete-something that would make our decision making more clear cut. the stenosis is degenerative, so we know things are going to get worse. and then there is the CCD. I was relieved that carver's crying in the evening was not due to built up pain. but still, it is heart breaking to hear him cry no matter what the reason, and the thought of him feeling afraid or confused makes me feel awful. I grew up with my grandmother, and took care of her for a time when she was succumbing to Alzheimer's. I was 14 at the time, and she would have had days where she was terrified, when she didn;t know where she was and wanted to go home, when she would speak only in Gaelic. I can only hope for a dog that it is a less terrifying, painful experience. I spoke with a friend in the bonecancerdogs yahoo group who shared with me that her dog with CCD got to the point where he did not recognize any of the family members.

So, onto a little good news. Carver has shown steady, subtle improvement over the past 5 days. he slept all day saturday, i think partially traumatized by the appointment. we began to put olive oil & some raw pumpkin into his food to help his digestion -he had been constipated since he began the gabapentin a week or soon ago. By sunday his digestion returned to normal. By monday we noticed carver was having an easier time getting up and rolling over. he showed interest in a neighborhood dog who came by to visit. carver even met me at the door when I returned home from work! I worked a double on tuesday, but ryan (who came by to take c out & give him meds-thank goodness for ryan!) & e both reported that he was doing well. carver even walked to the door of where e was sleeping to let her know he needed to go out in the morning. these all sound like simple things, but they are things carver has not done in a while. it is strange how quietly things change, what becomes normal when you are not looking, or when you do not want to look. if anything, seeing him improve gives me an idea of how bad things had gotten, and gives me a view of what "bad" looks like, for the future, when I will have to access how he is doing, in a big picture kind of way. I have begun to do daily assessments, trying to look objectively at how he is doing day to day, both physically and mentally. I find this process incredibly helpful, a way to check in with myself about him, separate from the moment to moment taking care of his needs.

I think the main thing I took away from the appointment was the fact that the odds are much greater at this point that we will have to make the decision to euthanize carver at one point in the future. I really was still praying pretty hard that it would not come down to this, that he would be able to live out his life and die a natural death. but I am know realizing that we are going to come to a point before that where we can no longer manage his pain, or that he will no longer mentally be with us, and we will have to step in. dr.m admitted that our situation is the hardest, where we most likely will not see him failing in the traditional sense, where he will stop eating, get weak etc-all the signals you would look for to know when "it is time". we will have to rely more on our knowledge of carver, and our ability to judge his pain.

to close this update I really want to emphasis how much I like Dr. Lisa Moses, and to recommend her to anyone in the Boston area. She was great with carver and even better with us. she is knowledgeable and compassionate, and has dedicated herself to relieving animals of pain. here is a link to her practice:

dr. lisa moses @ the mspca

oh, and a very important detail-she told us about the pharmacy at costco. we used their online pharmacy, and reduced carver's monthly medication bill from $250 to $50. you do not have to be a member to use the online pharmacy & shipping is free if you plan ahead and place your order early. this has been a huge relief. thank goodness for costco!

carver's new med regime

tramadol, 50 mg, 2 tablets, 3x daily
deramaxx 75 mg, 1x daily
gabapentin, 300 mg, 2x daily
Amitriptyline, 10mg, 1.5 tablets, 1x daily
melatonin, 3mg, 1x daily, to help sleep

13 months and 3 legs

yesterday was the 13 month anniversary of carver's amputation. it has continued to be a difficult week. carver had seemed to be doing worse after the vet's visit. e called me at work yesterday morning with the idea that maybe it was the new drug that was making him weaker. after many calls with the vet, who did some research and said, sure enough some dogs have a reaction of being weaker on the gabapentin. so we decided to take him off the drug until monday, then put him on a very low dose. in the meantime, carver spent yesterday evening crying. unless I was lying right next to him, and sometimes even then, he would cry. the thing with carver, is crying is the new everything. where he once had a myriad of different expressions and ways of communicating, now it is all the same cry, which equally breaks my heart and puts me into a panic. it is like having a newborn baby. at every cry, I try every possible answer-do you want to go out? I shake the harness. offer him his food bowl, and then the water. sit down next to him and pet him. get angry and start telling him to settle down, after an hour of staring at the closed blinds and crying. go into the kitchen and cry myself for being such a jerk and for feeling overwhelmed. carver and i had always been so linked-i could tell by the way his ears tilted what he was looking for. I have been mourning that loss of communication. anyway, we ended up giving him a 1/2 dose of the gabapentin, fearing it was the lack of the new drug, and that he was in pain. he did settle down, as did we. I woke up at midnight with my heart thumping wildly because I could hear him crying in a panicy way. I ran to the living room where he sleeps and could not find him. he had made his way into my office, where a bed for him is by the door. I think it was the closest he could get to me. I had taken out the runner that leads to our bedroom for a party we had, and had removed the bed-he has not slept in there with us in months, and did not think to replace it. I quickly got dressed and took him out where he peeded, then ran around the yard at a frantic pace until he pooped some. we came in, he to his bed in the living room. I set the alarm on my cell phone and curled up on the couch to be near him in case he needed me again.

I had a longish day today, and had carver's friend l come to just sit with him for a couple of hours. I have grown very protective of him, and am having a difficult time trusting anyone to take care of him, but he loves l and she loves him, and I wanted him to have some company. she left me a message at 4 saying he was doing well, but by the time I got home at 430 he was sitting in my room again, panting like crazy-he really needed to go out. I fed him when we got in, gave him derramaxx & tramadol, and sat next to him on the floor, where I remain. carver, after panting awhile, is now asleep, snoring away, pressed up against me.

we did manage to get an appointment with the pain specialist on friday, which, while I am not exactly looking forward to it, and grateful to have. I am hoping that we both find a way to control carver's pain and make him as comfortable as possible, and to gain some clarity as to where he is at, some sense of how he is feeling, some sense of something. I feel like I know very little and yet have to make all these decisions. I feel totally helpless and desperate to gain some sense of control, which is like trying to put a rope around water. I want to be able to put all of this anxiety and fear aside and just be with him. truth is I want him to get better or I want him to die peacefully in his sleep. thats not to say I don't want him right here, right now, by my side. I am just terrified at having to make any decisions for him.

stress and fear

truth is, carver isn't doing well. I had convinced myself that the new pain meds (gabapentin) that he has been on, along with the tramadol & derramaxx, had been managing his pain, since he seems to be resting comfortably inside. but having spent 3 days at home with him, I cannot deny his total lack of wanting to walk at all, and that that means he remains in pain. he has a tough time getting himself up. he heads to the door with a lot of enthusiasm, but once we get down the stairs he does only what he needs to then wants to go back in. i have spent the last couple of days online, researching other meds, driving my vets crazy with emails, afraid to tell them the whole truth in fear they will say that "it is time", when i feel deep in my gut that it is not. but I am beginning to realize if he stays the way he is now, that that time will be soon. I have been very anti vet office and very anti testing for a while now, but have decided to go see a specialist at Angell memorial, whose specialty is pain management. dr. Moses was recommended by my home visit vets. she has been on here & now, on npr, and is one of the only vets in the country doing this work. and she is right up the street. so, I have a call out to her office (they are closed today) and now that the decision has been made, can't wait to get an appointment. I just want so much much for carver to be comfortable, and to be able to walk some, to enjoy his time outside, to enjoy his final months. I feel a little bit more calmer, having admitted to my vets the whole truth, really to having admitted the whole truth to myself, and to have taken some action, the most I can do today. but still, I am terrified. what if Dr. Moses says there is nothing she can do? what if this appointment, tests & treatments are more than we can afford? I guess I finally came to the realization that the not knowing is killing me, my anxiety levels are so ramped up that i can't concentrate. so knowing, in any light, will be better than this constant worry, the relentless questioning.

happy valentines day!

arthritis

you know the seven stages of dealing with death? I have spent a good part of today in anger, and a better part of it trying to figure out why. the home visit vets came yesterday to look at carver-strong, wonderful doctors who treat both carver, e and i with honesty and kindness. I asked them to come after noticing that carver was experiencing a definite lessening of mobility over the past week or so. I thought it was the cold and ice at first, and maybe that was a part of it. but we began to notice that carver held his tail firmly down and close to his body. and then it became clear that he was having a more difficult time getting up from lying down. he becomes more clingy when in pain, crying unless I am sitting next to him on the ground, with my arm around him. I made the appointment on friday for monday. sunday went o.k., but monday morning when we went out for a walk he got outside, sniffed the air, considered the stairs, then turned around to go back in.

the appointment was good, I guess, in that carver looked in some ways better than the vets had expected. I knew by the questions the vets asked at the beginning that they were looking for signs of carver declining, for signs that the cancer has spread to his lungs, etc. But she said his lungs sounded the same as they did 3 months ago, not perfect, but not worse. she felt along his spine, and when you reach a specific area on his lower back it is clear that he is in serious pain. a new drug, gabapentin was prescribed, along with intermittently upping his derramaxx, and continuing to give him a full 3x daily dose of tramadol, which we had upped from 2x daily when he began to exhibit more pain. the vets talked with e and I about judging his pain level, to help keep track of how he is doing, and how to know when he is having more bad days then good. which, of course, leads to the discussion that i have been having in my own mind for months now, about the end. I first contacted these home visit vets over the summer for the purpose of preparing myself for the possibility of carver'seuthanasia, which i want to be done at home. I wanted to have all the information ready so I did not have to figure it all out in a more difficult time. I feel like for months I have been preparing myself for this reality, all the while secretly praying that carver goes on his own, peacefully, so i am not faced with that decision. but basically there is no preparation for such things. I found the wind knocked out of me as I sat in cvs waiting for carver's new prescription to be filled. there is something about the new drug, which stops the brain from registering pain, rather than actually helping the source, that makes me realize we are really moving towards hospicing carver, rather than healing him. I have never had any delusions about him getting better, knowing that the cancer is usually aggressive, and knowing his age, the statistics etc. we went into this, the surgery, as a way of relieving him of his pain and allowing him to live out his last days with as much joy and grace as he could, and we truly have done that, and have been blessed with so much time. but I think the time has lulled me into a strange complacency, just going from day to day, not really holding the whole truth. I think in some ways this was good, for it allowed me the luxury of being with carver as girl and dog. But I do know that the reason i have not posted much in these past months has been a desperate need to not face this, to avoid being in this pain. and after yesterday, after carver's appointment, the pain of it all seems unavoidable.

so, about the anger. I found myself feeling angry that it is arthritis that is going to probably get him, after his having been able to fight off the cancer. this seems just stupid to me somehow, although when I think of it it is probably something to be grateful for, arthritis hopefully being less painful than cancer. I found myself feeling angry towards the vets, for bringing up the discussion of having to make a decision around his death, even though that is why I brought them there, and they did it with compassion, honesty and a directness that made the discussion possible. I felt strangely angry at e, just for being there and being witness to the whole thing, for being invested, a part of things, having an opinion. I fought off the urge to take carver under my arm (impossible) and run off with him, just the two of us. I realized today that on some level carver's death feels very private to me. e is a wonderful mom to carver, and he loves her with such depth and joy. but for many years it was just c and me. i remember holding him in my arms for the first time in vermont. that first night, when I was sleeping on the floor of corey's moms apartment, carver in my arms because he howled if left alone, i whispered into his ear that i was so happy to have him in my life, that i would do the best I could to take care of him, and to give him the best life that I could. he was my constant companion, taking three hour walks to the arboretum, endless summer evenings at the pond. it was through carver that I healed from both my father's death and from a heartbreak that followed a year later. It was through carver that I made some of my dearest friends, and made jp truly my community, my home. I learned how to talk to strangers through carver, and how to expect the best from people. he dragged me out of the house every morning and gave me something to come home to, long before I had found love of my own. he was my love.

I have learned to share that love with others, and to share him. and now I will learn to share his death. when i lost my father, i was the only member of my family to be alone, without a partner. I felt so alone in grief, but in some ways it seemed easier to me, to not have to worry about someone else's feelings. carver and I began this journey just the two of us, and there is a part of me that feels protective of that closeness, but really I know I am just being protective of myself. it is harder to deny his pain, or my own for that matter, when there is someone to witness it. but the mistake I made in my father's death was that by not sharing my grief with others, I was denying their own in a way. isolating myself in my own grief kept me from feeling anyone else's pain. many people mourned the loss of my father, as they will carver, e especially. carver loves her in a grand way, tail loudly thumping when she comes home. he has come to know peace only when all three of us are together. we will face his death together, and together we will mourn. learning to let others in is one of the greatest gifts that having carver has taught me, among so many others.

snow day

it never stopped snowing this weekend!

carver stuck by me while I shoveled, helping me with his nose.


I shoveled out a path all around the house, but he insists on walking in the snowbank.


the action of carver eating snow is too fast to capture on film!

new year

waking up

the time between thanksgiving and new years went by in a blur. e's family came to our home for both thanksgiving and christmas so we did not have to leave carver's side and he could be apart of the celebration. although my birth family is spread all over the country, my chosen one is close. carver has been such a big part of my sense of family for over 13 years now, so I was very happy to have us all together in our home. now we are enjoying the quiet after the holidays. I am home much more now, work having slowed down, and carver is happy for the company. every evening after our walk I spend some time lying on his bed with the length of him snuggled up close.

we live in boston, and the cold and the snow and the darkness have brought me back to that time after carver's surgery. it was such a scary time for all of us. i will never forget carver crying the whole night through when he first came home from the hospital. the terror of getting him down the stairs for the first time using a towel as a sling. his first shaky steps on three legs in the snow. now days carver can leap through the snow banks like a dolphin, although his arthritis keeps our walks very close to home, most days just walking around ours and our neighbors houses. neighborhood dogs stop by sometimes, which is always a treat. carver still loves to see a pal.

tomorrow is the one year anniversary of carver's surgery. I am blown away at how much time we have had with him, really quality time. his prognosis of surgery with no further treatment was 3-4 months, and I took that to heart. our greatest hope at the time was to have him see the spring. there have been so many times we thought we were close to the end. I remember talking to e about the fact we both felt that he would not see the end of summer. but here we are, a year later, and I can honestly say he is doing well-same old carver, digging for garbage, barking at people on the porch. begging for snacks, occasionally grabbing a branch form the ground and teasing me with it. sweetly liking my hand, sighing when he is lying close. groaning when someone rubs his ears, stretching his legs out when you scratch his feet.

I think the hardest past of this year, other than the fear and the grief of his early diagnosis, was the learning to live with the not knowing. I spent so many months seeing him as dying. it took a long time to really just be able to see him as carver. i still have moments of being overwhelmed by this, but truly none of us really know much of what will happen. If I could offer anything to anyone who is going through this now, or something similar, it would be to remind them that we really do not know, and neither does your vet or the statistics. every dog is different. in that, all we can do is love our dogs as much as possible, enjoy them and your time together.
that and get a second opinion. and listen to your heart and your dog. had we listened to the first vet, who told us we should put carver down within a week or two, we would have lost all of this time with him. I know we have been lucky, that so many other dogs have not. I have a neighbor whose dog died a few weeks after having chemo, who admitted to me that she has moments of asking herself why carver and not her dog. I do not have any answers but know I would feel the same way. we have no way of knowing. I live with the fact that the end is still coming, and that there will be a lot more to face in the coming days, months years? who knows, but it is somewhere out there in the future.

but the one thing that I DO know is that we have today. I took the day off to get caught up with the details of life, laundry, dishes, email, but a big part of the joy of four days off is knowing I have such a good stretch of time with carver. even sitting in the kitchen with carver asleep in the next room I can hear him sigh, and I know a part of his contentment is having me home. and a big part of my contentment is knowing he is in the other room, head on a pillow, body curled up and relaxed.


yawn