old dogs

I just heard that another one of carver's peers died last weekend.. timmer lived around the corner, a sweet lab mix. it was through the dogs that I met our friend paula. timmer had been walking slowly, he had arthritis, but when she brought him in to the vet it ended up that he had a cancerous tumor that was pressing on his heart. within days it had traveled to his lungs. most of the dogs carver played with at the dog park are gone now-roger, gracie, wolfie,whose real name was wolfgang, lucy the sheep dog, tango the giant lab who would bark at the people doing thai chi. dog after dog, leaving us one by one. lili walked carver yesterday afternoon, while I had to stay late at work to teach a class, and she said she took him over to the baseball field. she said she was not sure if she should have taken him on such a long walk-his back legs have been really shaky-but what if this was the last time he got to goto the field? I was stunned to hear this-I have not been thinking of carver as dying for a while now-just shaky and achy and old, but not dying. so to hear someone else considering him in this way was a shock of sorts. but this way of thinking did not seem so far out of reach from the truth. just a different point of view. this morning I learned that my high school art teacher died over the weekend from cancer. then I took carver out and ran into paula, who told me about timmer. it is a really sad day. such a reminder of how much to be grateful for, in this moment. today I am here, e is here, my family is here, here on earth, all my dear friends around the country are here, waking up, drinking coffee, going to work. and carver is here, shaky legs and all. let me be awake enough in every moment to feel the wonder and gratitude that, for this moment, so many of us are enjoying the gift of being alive.

butterfly field

another glorious walk in the butterfly field, a patch of land not mown by the city, in hopes of restoring it to Olmstead's original glory. carver walked waist high in clover and queen anne's lace. we ran into neighborhood friends, who had not seen carver in some time. my heart felt full, awake with the company of carver. the sweet smell of him. taking in his delight in the tall grass. i want to be this present on every walk. to enjoy every afternoon with him. each one is a gift.

late summer/early fall

carver and i just came back from a glorious walk, after a sleepless night. carver came down with a bought of diarrhea last night, which kept us both up all night, taking trips out into the yard, the motion security light guiding our way through the darkness. I ended up sleeping on the couch, listening to his every breath, fully clothed, waiting to jump up and take him out again. but when i arrived home this afternoon, carver seemed cheerful and rested. we began our walk like all our walks these days, by sitting in the yard, carver lying down in the dirt, me on the stoop, reading. I heard a scratching sound coming from the other side of a 10 foot wooden fence that divides our yard from the neighbors. up popped a young red cat, surveying the situation. carver got up closer to sniff, his breath shallow as he took in the kittens scent. then he began to bark, not in anger but curiosity. who are you, what are you doing there, what are you going to do next? the kitten sat on top of the fence, unphased by carer's deep bark. eventually he turned his body and returned to his own yard. carver, inspired by the interaction, decided it was time for a proper walk. I followed carver's lead, heading up the hill, which we have not done in some time. carver seemed to enjoy marking his old territory, climbing into peoples little street side gardens. we took a res tor two, but his back legs, shaky almost all the time now, held strong.
its a beautiful afternoon, long shadows and clean crisp air. the leaves on the tree outside are just beginning to show flashes of gold. squirrels have been eating the faces of the sunflowers I planted in front of the house in April. we seem to be right at the edge between summer and fall. going in to our forth season of three legged carver. I am so glad he still with us, able to enjoy both of our favorite seasons. carver loves to run through piles of crunchy leaves, taking in the cool air. how amazing this old dog is to me-his strength and his joy.

carver relaxing on a walk with e while I was in san francisco

well, we made it, carver and me. I made it to california and back, had a good visit with my sister and my nephew and my brother in law. and carver did great, hanging out with e and lili, sleeping late, staying up later, and having lots of adventures, including a trip to logan to pick me up! I have to admit I felt very at ease while away, knowing carver was in such good hands. it felt good to take a little break from being primary care taker, and I got a chance to really relax.

carver has been CLINGY since I got back. if we are in the kitchen, and carver was in the living room (the next room over) he will cry & cry, instead of just getting up and coming in. I have been trying to stay close, although I had to work the day after I got back. but my afternoons are his-chilling in the yard, cozy on the couch-whatever he wants. I missed him. I am happy to comfort him now that I am home.

here is a picture of the folks I was visiting. look at that baby!