a great check up with dr. walker!

we rented a car today to take carver in to see dr. walker. He was really happy with how carver was doing, and said he looked great! lungs sounding clear, heart strong. dr. w was really impressed with how well carver is doing 6 months + after surgery. needless to say e and I are relieved and happy. janice the acupuncturist also noted how well carver seemed to her-coat looking good, all the hair having grown back finally. eyes bright, full of zest. what a difference a few days can make. I am glad we took him in today-it feels good to have an objective set of eyes and hands check carver out. we are so sensitive to the subtle day to day changes in his energy and attitude-it remains difficult not to jump to the worse case senario when every a bad couple of days rolls around. but for today I feel set free, and able to focus on my sister coming to visit with my new nephew! and to have some time off to relax and enjoy theirs and carver's company. hurrah for carver!

the reason I love jamaica plain

is that, when walking carver, an old hippie grandma will pull her mini van over, get out of the car, and give carver a reiki treatment on the street!

its been a tough couple of weeks. e and I have been seeing a shift in carver-sleeping a little longer, and more deeply, not wanting to walk much at all, panting with his lungs sounding full. we have been preparing for the last stage of carver's life. the congestion propted us to make an appointment with dr walker, which is tomorrow afternoon. I am afraid of what we might find tomorrow, but the truth will be better than this constant wondering.

so anyway, carver didn't walk to walk this morning-not even over to the tree for a pee. I came home early from work, put carver's jacket on him, and headed out into the yard. we did the usual laying around in the yard. once we got back out onto the street, carver bolted across over to the parking lot, then up the hill! having left the house without the leash, I attatched the lanyardy thing I keep my keys onto his harness, and we walked the loop of parkton. it was on the top of the street that we met the hippie lady. we also saw rory, carver's greyhound friend, and a couple of nice neighbors. it was a cheery surprise, and a delight to see carver having so much fun and full of beans!

looking toward the future, I did find a vet that makes house calls, and we have enchanged wonderful emails that are full of compassion and kindness. she is also affordable, which many of the home visit vets I first found were not. so I am relieved to have this option in place. I think tomorrow will be carver's last visit with dr. walker-(e's car broke down for good last week, and he is 45 minutes away-we had to rent a car to go tomorrow). unless there is an emergency, that we will try to take care of carver at home.

today is the 6 month anniversary of carver's amputation!

and it is a wonderful reason to celebrate. always on the anniversary date I think of those cold dark days helping carver into the snowy yard using a rigged up sling, just grateful to get him up and down the stairs in once piece. I never thought we would get to this hot and humid season, carver and I laying down in front of the fan.

so let me take this moment to share some of the gratitude that I feel,
for carver's playfulness today, despite the heat, teasing me with a giant branch in the yard.
for the way he gets up excitedly and runs to our bedroom when its time to sleep.
for the sound of his three legs trotting across the kitchen floor when it is time to eat.
for the way he springs up when he sees another dog coming his way, wanting to say hello.
for how cozy he is, always in the same room, resting at my feet.
for his sweetness, the way he gently licks my arm.
for the sound of his tail thumping against the floor, even when he is still laying completely down on the ground.
for his velvety ears.
for all the crazy white hairs that have spread all over his belly.
for his enthusiasm for going to his favorite haunts, even if it means just laying down there.
for all of this time, what a gift, our miracle old man, beating the odds.

I love you carver!

BLUE GREEN ALGAE CORRECTION!

thanks to a UH poster, I have discovered I am spreading misinformation! Wards, Leverret, and willow ponds have NOT been affected by the algae(that is not really an algae) . The problem area begins at the Agassiz bridge, which is in the Fenway, then heads down stream, towards the Charles. SO, jp dogs and friends, breathe easy-but be sure to tell your fenway and beyond friends the news!

blue green algae alert!

for all my boston dog friends-I have just learned that there are toxic levels of blue green algae in the muddy river. this includes wards, leverett, and willow ponds. this algae is know to be very toxic to dogs, and can be fatal if ingested. I know carver and I both are sad not to be playing in the ponds. here is the email I received about it. be safe puppies!

From Kate Bowditch:
Hello MMOC members-

Today while CRWA staff were out doing some water quality monitoring on the Muddy River, they saw obvious signs of blue-green algae (more formally called cyanobacteria, and not a true algae). While all algae stresses the river when in excess, blue-green algae in rivers and ponds is a particular concern because it can produce toxins which can cause allergic reactions in people upon contact, and has in some cases been known to kill dogs who drink it. We have been monitoring this problem on the Charles for several years, and when blue-green algae "blooms" reach dangerous levels, DCR posts signs warning the public about the potential risk and advising them to avoid contact with the water and to keep pets out of the water.
Our meter tests indicate levels of blue-green algae that are at or near the threshold for these warnings at the Agassiz Bridge, and visual indications of the blue-green algae continue downstream towards Charlesgate. Upstream of the Agassiz Bridge this problem was not observed. CRWA will conduct follow-up monitoring early next week and we will report to this body, as well as to DCR and other interested groups.

I have notified DCR of our findings, and suggested that they contact Hugh, as well as the Emerald Necklace Conservancy, if they feel it is appropriate to post warnings so that he can help, and perhaps recruit volunteers to help hang signs.

At these levels, given the uses of the Muddy River, I believe the main concern is to ensure that people do not let their dogs swim in our drink the water in the river where the blue-green algae is present. Fishing could pose some risks as well since fishermen could contact toxins as they handle fish and equipment. People walking along the banks are not considered at risk.
The main causes of blue-green algae blooms are warm temperatures, and high levels of nutrients, mainly phosphorus, in the water, especially water that is shallow and slow-moving. More information about blue-green algae can be found on the CRWA website at www.charlesriver.org.

Please pass the word to interested parties.

once again, the good and the bad

this afternoon we met up with a friend of e's and her beagle pedro over at the pond. we drove carver to the pond, parking on the side of perkins street that is close to the beach. carver had such an amazing walk! he was so excited to be there, walking in the water, checking out the other dogs, laying down in the water, being fed pretzels from the kindest little bruiser of a boy I have ever met. being hugged by strangers, running into old friends like mandy and phoebe. it was a wonderful time. I was really marveling at how well he was doing-it feels like it has been a long time since we have had a fun romp like that. with the weather being so sticky carver and I have been mostly going on short walks up and down the street in the morning, then just hanging out in the yard in the afternoons. on the weekends e and i always take him at least once to the arboretum, but the pond really lit him up like nowhere else.

on the way to the "dog bowl", a field next to the pond where all the dogs of jp come to sniff and mark and play, carver fell down, and cried out in pain. I saw the tail end of the fall, but not the whole thing. afterwards, he was visibly in pain in his back right leg. this is the leg that has been giving him trouble over these past few months. it is his left front that is missing, so it is the opposite leg. we managed to walk him back to the car, assisting him at times by holding the handle of his harness, him running at times, which I think he does to push through the pain. I gave him some lunch and 2 tramadol-his first in over a month. e and I headed out to do some grocery shopping. when we came home carver greeted us at the door, but he was trying not to put any weight on that back leg. we have been worried about that leg for some time. it is scrawny, and feels weak. I did not want to think about it further than to say "o.k., bed rest and tramadol for the next few days and we will see how he does" but e gently mentioned that it could be a sign of something worse, the cancer returning or even just his leg getting too weak to support him. a sign of something that will lead us to the next something. as soon as this reality cracked its way into my stone wall of denial, I burst into tears. these past few weeks I have been living under the illusion of "I have finally got this taking care of carver thing down-I do not obsess over him dying, I really am just taking it day by day". but then there I find myself, pushing his illness & impending death away. I am not being present, I am just selectively thinking. often, when I think I am doing well, staying in the present moment, I am not allowing myself to feel anything. I think I have been really checked out these past few weeks. there has to be a middle ground for me between being grief stricken and numbed out. it reminds me of a line from a Rumi poem-"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I will meet you there." I long to find this ground.

I emailed two vets who do home visits today, in preparation for the future. The Irish part of me has been putting this off-it feels like I am cursing myself to even let the thought in, never mind be doing the leg work in anticipation, but the practical (still Irish) side of me won. I would not want to be online, calling a stranger in carver's time of need, in the midst of him, and myself, suffering through the process of his dying. so I sent the emails. I am full of dread. I keep silently sending out wishes to god and the ancestors and spirits, and anyone else who will listen, "this does not mean I want this to happen, it does not mean I am ready, or that carver is ready"-but really, how much control (or pull) do I think I have? praying for me as a little girl always felt more like collective bargaining. now, as a practicing Buddhist and a superstitious lapsed catholic (who makes sure her family knows that she wants last rites, just in case) I have given in to the truth that I just do not know what I believe in, in regards to the after life. I want to believe in heaven, so I will see my father again. but I believe in reincarnation, have felt connections to people and places that felt unmistakably old, older than myself. I feel jealous of the folks on the bone cancer dogs support group, who believe their dogs are somewhere called the rainbow bridge, legs restored, playing together, waiting to be reunited with their people. I would give a lot to believe that in my heart, but I can't. for the time being I have to be content with letting the mystery be.

so, in all of this, carver rests at my feet. the tramadol has made him comfortable. he still came trotting in the kitchen to beg for some of our supper. he ate an extra cup of kibble. he let me poke and prod and move his leg around a bit, but I could tell he wasn't too thrilled with the activity. so I am back to where I started-a couple days of tramadol, bed rest, then we will see how he is doing.