carver the three-legged dog

carver miller 1995-2009

2009-05-02T17:23:00.000-04:00

it's time

2009-04-25T12:27:00.001-04:00

with the saddest of hearts I share with you that carver will be released with the assistance of our vets at home tonight at 7 p.m.

for months now, I have asked my friends who have lost dogs "how did you make the decision?" everyone replied "you will know" but I didn't believe them until now.
Carver has been losing strength in his back legs for about a month or two now. By last Monday c was unable to put any pressure on his back left leg, the same side of his body as the amputation. He needed assistance to do the shortest of walks. After a long night in the yard with c, Elizabeth came inside Tuesday morning at 6 a.m., and said it is time. I knew fully in my heart she was right. I called the vets that day, and made the appointment for Sunday, wanting to spend the weekend with him before we let him go. what we were not expecting was for carver to decline so quickly. by Friday night carver could no long get up on his own, or stay standing on his own. walking is completely not an option.

we have spent the last 36 hours or so always with carver, mostly in the yard, where we have set up a bed. he has a hard time getting comfortable, and is awake much of the time, panting. when he sleeps, he does so heavily. friends have been stopping by to spend time with us and to give carver their last pats, to say goodbye and to wish him a good passage.

with the advice of my teachers I have been doing tonglen practice with carver, a Buddhist practice that involves breathing in his pain and fear, and breathing out to him calm, warm, loving energy. I also have been reciting chants to him, with the aspiration that he be reborn into the human realm. it is said that if an animal hears the Dharma, that they purify their karma, and can be reborn into a higher realm, into a human who then hears the Dharma, and works towards the end of suffering for all. I am grateful to be able to take refuge in my practice at this time, when otherwise there is really nothing to do. I feel like I am actually doing something, where as otherwise I would feel totally helpless.

I have spent the best parts of these days talking to carver, letting him know how much I love him, and that we will be fine, and that it is o.k. to let go now. I tell him stories of our lives together, remembering him as a puppy, as a feisty teen, as the beautiful graceful, regal dog he became.

my therapist reminded me of something important the other day-that although I am feeling the loss of all of him right now, that really I have lost so much of him over the year, that i have been grieving this whole 15 months as I have lost things one by one. i remember when the tail went from being held close to his body, to not being able to wag at all. i do not know when the howling with the sirens ended, but I miss that so much. it has been months since carver has been able to jump on the couch. yesterday I was remembering so many cozy afternoons, both of us sleeping on the sofa, his feet entwined in my legs. its been over a year since carver could sleep in the bed with us, his long body diagonal across the bed, his long legs outstretched, pining down the covers so I was left chilly in the corner. how could I miss this? but I do.

I have loved this time taking care of carver, slowing down, letting everything else that I could drop away. the most simple of acts, cleaning his fur, massaging his legs, hand feeding him when he could not get up to eat. offering him fresh water. sitting on the porch in the sun when we could no longer go for walks. we have had 15 months, so much longer than we ever thought possible. we have entered into our second spring, when our first goal was just to get to the first. I have so much to be grateful for.

first, for my dear friends, who have been such a source of love, strength and support, not to mention understanding when I had to cancel plans, or when i got to the point where i could not even make them. to my boss and co-workers, for being so understanding when i came in 3 hours late, left early, or arrived completely sleep deprived and pretty much useless, if I arrived at all. for my wonderful friends at bonecancerdogs.org and their sister yahoo group-I could never have imagined being able to feel so supported and cared for by a group of people I have never met, but they have been there for me every step of the way, calming me down, giving excellent advice, mailing me their leftover medication when their own dogs had passed. and for my online friends, you who have stumbled onto our blog, and have followed our story and sent such lovely wishes.for my Sangha friends, who never treated carver as anything less than a fully sentient being, who listened and practiced with me, and who will practice tonglen for carver in the days to come, all wishing for him to have a safe passage, and a joyful rebirth. for Dr. walker, who said it could be done, and saw him through it, for Emily & miaja, our home visit vets, that answered every email as quickly as possible and called just to check in. not having to bring carver into a doctor's office was an amazing comfort. to Dr. moses, the pain management specialist over at Angell memorial, who made carver as comfortable as possible these past few months, allowing for us to have that precious time to be able to care for him, and to begin the process of excepting the end.

I could not begin to express the gratitude I feel for having Elizabeth in my life, carver's other mom, who held me up, praised me for what i was doing, asked all the right questions and made all the phone calls I was too afraid to make, and who loves carver as much as I do, with a sweetness that is beautiful to witness.

it is 6 a.m. now, and carver is asleep in his bed in the yard. the sun has been rising as I write this, the birds greeting the dawn. my last day on earth with carver has begun. let it be a peaceful one for him, and for us.

I will spend the day with this aspiration in my heart for carver, for myself, and for all of you

may we know happiness and the root of happiness.
may we be free from suffering and the root of suffering.
may we not be separated from the great happiness, devoid of suffering.
may we dwell in the great equanimity, free from passion, aggression and hatred.
may we all know profound brilliant glory.

thanks to e and her iphone

2009-03-08T20:37:00.000-04:00

success!

2009-03-04T17:38:00.003-05:00

carver seems to be feeling better all around. he slept through the night last night, only stirring to come into our room to sleep some more in there. out for a short walk this morning with no hesitation. rice for breakfast, and yogurt. I got home this afternoon from an appointment at 430, a little late for me, but c seemed fine. we spent about 40 minutes outside in the snow, some laying in snowbanks, but we did walk around a bit, and then all the way around the house! a normal, healthy bowel movement ( i know you do not want to hear about this, but this is a big triumph for me!) and he is now cozy with me on the floor. deep breath. happy for this moment of peace, for the worry to loosen its grips and to enjoy the simplicity of our lives, the floor, the cozy blanket over both of us, the evening news.

carver comes alive!

2009-03-03T17:42:00.002-05:00

carver loves the snow. I keep trying to take pictures but apparently all aa batteries in my house are spent. anyway, carver had a good walk today after a terrible, scary night. but I am getting ahead of myself. I got home about 3 yesterday, the snow storm just moving out after leaving a solid 10 inches of snow on the ground. carver and I immedietley headed outside. the new normal being that carver only goes into the yard to relieve himself, and then back up the stairs, I was shocked to see carver head right into the yard. we walked to the back fence and back, lay in the tallest snowbank he could find, did some sniffing of a neighborhood dog. when it was time to go in, we headed towards the steps-but instead of going up, carver headed down the shoveled side walk. we walked all the way down the street, turned onto parkwood terrance, and made it to the steps of our neighbor mary & al's house. I think he would have kept going, but I turned him around, knowing we we re getting close to carver's acupuncture appointment.

janice came at 530. she put in over 30 needles, working the whole spine, both hind legs, including the ankles, then back to do the lumbar spine again. carver comfortably turned over a couple of times, and seemed alert and in good spirits. she said he seemed better than the last time she came, which was probably 2 1/2 weeks ago. she also confirmed the fact that we are in "the next level", or something like that. closer to his death. it is something I have acknowledged to myself, but there is something about hearing it from someone else that really brings it home. janice just lost her own 14 year old dog. she has been such a good support for both carver and me.

after the appointment, carver wanted to go outside. he seemed anxious, panting . carver has had diarrhea for a couple of days now, and I figured he needed to go again. he walked to the back of the yard, and squatted. I decided to try & move his tail out of the way-he had been soiling himself ever since this started, and I thought we could try to avoid it. I moved his tail up about 1/2 and inch, and he screamed in pain, leaping away from me and laying in the snow. I was in a panic, shocked and left feeling awful and frightened. I took him back in, but he continued to pant and cry, shaking so hard sometimes his teeth chattered. I felt overwhelmed with guilt and fear that I had made his pain peremenently worse. we immedietly gave him his next dose of tramadol and tried to calm him down. a heating pad on his lower back, he finally fell into a fretful sleep. carver continued to have diahrrea, and we went out several times during the night, about every two hours, until we both finally fell into a deep sleep in the living room around 330 a.m.

I took carver out around 8 this morning before I headed to work. still sick, he did what he needed to then cried for me to help him right up the stairs. I left for work feeling sad and nervous.

when I came home carver was sound asleep. I fed him some yogurt while he was still laying down, and gave him his afternoon meds. he drifted off again. I could stand it for about 30 minutes, but then I started to worry again. what if he was in so much pain all he could do was sleep? I poked him until he woke up, roused him with rice in his kibble bowl, then shook his jacket until he stood up. we begun the trip in the yard, where he walked to the back yard again. he spent some time in the snow, sniffing the air. but then, jsut like yesterday, he was on the move! we made it almost to the jamaica way and back. carver's back legs look very weak, but that does not stop him from walking in the deepest snow he can find! he really seemed to enjoy his time outside. we were out for about 45 minutes, him running down the shoveled path, then tossing himself in the snow. he still seems a bit sick, but his change in diet will hopefully do the trick. I am just grateful he seems to not be in pain, that I didn't break some part of him last night, and that he can still enjoy himself out in the world. my attitude towards the snow has totally changed!

a quick carver update

2009-03-01T10:18:00.003-05:00

carver has shown some improvement since he began his new pain regiment last friday. he has been walking in the house more, going into my office, where e and I are now sleeping on the futon. the room is closer to the living room, and I laid beds for him on the floor that go from the door to our bed. he tens to spend half the night in there, then back to the living room. our whole apartment is swathed in fabric and memory foam.
anyway, he seems to have less trouble getting up, is more alert, and continues to eat well. on the downside, his cognitive disorder (lets just call it Alzheimer's from now on) has been kicking in. wednesday and thursday were the worst, with carver barking & whining from about 4pm on until he fell sleep late in the night. I have to be next to him on the ground in order for him to calm down. this is cozy, but there are chores to do, and after a few hours I end up feeling cagey. the stress of it has taken it's toll. I really thought i was cracking up friday morning, when carver was crying because I was in the kitchen doing dishes. e got up early and laid down with him so I could finish. the weekend has been much better though. friday night and all day Saturday he has been calm, with us home, and he has seemed more like his normal self. being outside helps him always, so we have been spending a lot of time on the front porch, me reading & him barking at the neighbors. we were blessed with a few warm days but today the snow is falling again, and by tomorrow night we are suppose to have over a foot. carver usually loves the snow, and I hope this is still the case. as for me, I feel like i would give up my soul to see a crocus popping its head out of the ground. I need spring, this winter has been a long tough one all around. I checked in with the vets on wednesday-dr. m said she was surprised to see improvement to quickly, and to keep on the regime for a couple more weeks and see how it goes. c is still not wanting to walk outside at all for recreation, and does not seem to interested in the world beyond the porch, with the exception of an occasional passing dog, or a sniff at near by garbage. I really am a but anxious at wanting to up some of the meds and see if we can get him walking, but if we cannot listen to and trust the pain management vet, then who can we? another strange symptom has popped up as well-he is chewing on one of his hind legs, tearing the hair out. I spray it with bitter apple in the morning with bitter apple (which I tasted-I didn't think it was too bad, but carver disagrees) which does the trick, but my curiosity gets the best of me. is it pain? or a strange side effect from one of the drugs? boredom? hallucination? who knows. I have an email out to dr. m, and will hear from her tomorrow.
but, for now, things are quiet and peaceful. carver is sleeping next to me on the floor, very cozy. we have had a good morning, and have the day stretched out in front of us.

we received another offer of left over meds from a friend on the yahoo group bonecancerdogs
I continue to be amazed at the compassion, generosity, and support I receive from these amazing people.
If you have a minute, take a look at brian's blog
brian just passed a few weeks ago, and his people kept an excellent blog of his story.

pain management

2009-02-25T19:11:00.010-05:00

I have been meaning to write an update for days now, but I think on some level I was waiting to see how things were going before I dared.

carver went to see a pain management specialist at Angell Memorial hospital in Jamaica Plain. it took me awhile to decide to make the appointment. e and I have had some not so great experiences at angell over the years (one including a test-crazy intern, a $500 bill, and our finding out in the end that all we needed was an extra litter box for our elderly cat [which a non-Angell vet had to tell us]). a few months after the amputation surgery I had made a silent pact with carver-no more vet visits, no more invasive tests. but the home visit vets (maija and emily) had recommended her, and carver was obviously not doing well, not wanting to walk at all. about a year ago I had set aside money for the end of carver's life. i have guarded that money with a tight fist, but finally realized that if I did not spend some of it, the end could be coming sooner rather than later. so, appointment made, and off we went.

our awesome neighbor friend ryan drove me, e & c up the street to the hospital (it is literally up the street, about a 5 minute walk, if carver could still walk). we met with dr. M last friday. she is a wonderful person, really present. the appointment started with loads of questions, about his diagnosis, surgery, recovery, treatment, and current decline. she did a physical exam and then asked us if we wanted to do x-rays, which we did, just 1 view of his lower spine. we wanted to rule out the possibility of the cancer having spread to his spine and to eliminate the possibility of there being a mass in or around his spine. the x rays showed no cancer returning, but what she suspected, which is lumbar spinal stenosis. basically some of his lower vertebrae have shifted their angle, and are pressing on the nerves of his spine.

the big surprise of the appointment was that she also diagnosed carver with canine cognitive dysfunction, or ccd, or doggie Alzheimer's, if you will. this explained the staring at the walls and barking. more on this in a moment.

we discussed doing an mri to confirm the diagnosis of stenosis, and the option of surgery (both of which i declined)
we talked about quality of life, and she did help me by giving me the most basic of things to look for and consider-can he walk, go to the bathroom without assistance, I can't remember the other things, but it grounded me in a way that the number system that m & em gave me could not. it gave me some bench markers to pay attention to.

then we discussed meds. she started us on a program that has room to grow, lower doses of med that can be slowly raised. (i will write the protocol at the end of this post.) we discussed prednisone, which I had brought up to m & em, but the side effects of the drug sound like a horror show, including the need to first ween him off of the deramaxx, a process which he would have to take narcotics in order to stand. We have taken the prednisone option off the table for now. I left with the promise to check in with her early this week, and we will begin the process of tweaking the medication.

I walked out of the hospital feeling totally drained, and not a little confused emotionally. it seems like all the good news was mixed in with bad. it was great to see that the x-rays did not show any cancer, but the stenosis is a terrible thing. and in a way if we had seen the cancer returning, we would have a more clear view of what to do. I think a part of me wanted to know something concrete-something that would make our decision making more clear cut. the stenosis is degenerative, so we know things are going to get worse. and then there is the CCD. I was relieved that carver's crying in the evening was not due to built up pain. but still, it is heart breaking to hear him cry no matter what the reason, and the thought of him feeling afraid or confused makes me feel awful. I grew up with my grandmother, and took care of her for a time when she was succumbing to Alzheimer's. I was 14 at the time, and she would have had days where she was terrified, when she didn;t know where she was and wanted to go home, when she would speak only in Gaelic. I can only hope for a dog that it is a less terrifying, painful experience. I spoke with a friend in the bonecancerdogs yahoo group who shared with me that her dog with CCD got to the point where he did not recognize any of the family members.

So, onto a little good news. Carver has shown steady, subtle improvement over the past 5 days. he slept all day saturday, i think partially traumatized by the appointment. we began to put olive oil & some raw pumpkin into his food to help his digestion -he had been constipated since he began the gabapentin a week or soon ago. By sunday his digestion returned to normal. By monday we noticed carver was having an easier time getting up and rolling over. he showed interest in a neighborhood dog who came by to visit. carver even met me at the door when I returned home from work! I worked a double on tuesday, but ryan (who came by to take c out & give him meds-thank goodness for ryan!) & e both reported that he was doing well. carver even walked to the door of where e was sleeping to let her know he needed to go out in the morning. these all sound like simple things, but they are things carver has not done in a while. it is strange how quietly things change, what becomes normal when you are not looking, or when you do not want to look. if anything, seeing him improve gives me an idea of how bad things had gotten, and gives me a view of what "bad" looks like, for the future, when I will have to access how he is doing, in a big picture kind of way. I have begun to do daily assessments, trying to look objectively at how he is doing day to day, both physically and mentally. I find this process incredibly helpful, a way to check in with myself about him, separate from the moment to moment taking care of his needs.

I think the main thing I took away from the appointment was the fact that the odds are much greater at this point that we will have to make the decision to euthanize carver at one point in the future. I really was still praying pretty hard that it would not come down to this, that he would be able to live out his life and die a natural death. but I am know realizing that we are going to come to a point before that where we can no longer manage his pain, or that he will no longer mentally be with us, and we will have to step in. dr.m admitted that our situation is the hardest, where we most likely will not see him failing in the traditional sense, where he will stop eating, get weak etc-all the signals you would look for to know when "it is time". we will have to rely more on our knowledge of carver, and our ability to judge his pain.

to close this update I really want to emphasis how much I like Dr. Lisa Moses, and to recommend her to anyone in the Boston area. She was great with carver and even better with us. she is knowledgeable and compassionate, and has dedicated herself to relieving animals of pain. here is a link to her practice:

dr. lisa moses @ the mspca

oh, and a very important detail-she told us about the pharmacy at costco. we used their online pharmacy, and reduced carver's monthly medication bill from $250 to $50. you do not have to be a member to use the online pharmacy & shipping is free if you plan ahead and place your order early. this has been a huge relief. thank goodness for costco!

carver's new med regime

tramadol, 50 mg, 2 tablets, 3x daily
deramaxx 75 mg, 1x daily
gabapentin, 300 mg, 2x daily
Amitriptyline, 10mg, 1.5 tablets, 1x daily
melatonin, 3mg, 1x daily, to help sleep

13 months and 3 legs

2009-02-18T17:01:00.003-05:00

yesterday was the 13 month anniversary of carver's amputation. it has continued to be a difficult week. carver had seemed to be doing worse after the vet's visit. e called me at work yesterday morning with the idea that maybe it was the new drug that was making him weaker. after many calls with the vet, who did some research and said, sure enough some dogs have a reaction of being weaker on the gabapentin. so we decided to take him off the drug until monday, then put him on a very low dose. in the meantime, carver spent yesterday evening crying. unless I was lying right next to him, and sometimes even then, he would cry. the thing with carver, is crying is the new everything. where he once had a myriad of different expressions and ways of communicating, now it is all the same cry, which equally breaks my heart and puts me into a panic. it is like having a newborn baby. at every cry, I try every possible answer-do you want to go out? I shake the harness. offer him his food bowl, and then the water. sit down next to him and pet him. get angry and start telling him to settle down, after an hour of staring at the closed blinds and crying. go into the kitchen and cry myself for being such a jerk and for feeling overwhelmed. carver and i had always been so linked-i could tell by the way his ears tilted what he was looking for. I have been mourning that loss of communication. anyway, we ended up giving him a 1/2 dose of the gabapentin, fearing it was the lack of the new drug, and that he was in pain. he did settle down, as did we. I woke up at midnight with my heart thumping wildly because I could hear him crying in a panicy way. I ran to the living room where he sleeps and could not find him. he had made his way into my office, where a bed for him is by the door. I think it was the closest he could get to me. I had taken out the runner that leads to our bedroom for a party we had, and had removed the bed-he has not slept in there with us in months, and did not think to replace it. I quickly got dressed and took him out where he peeded, then ran around the yard at a frantic pace until he pooped some. we came in, he to his bed in the living room. I set the alarm on my cell phone and curled up on the couch to be near him in case he needed me again.

I had a longish day today, and had carver's friend l come to just sit with him for a couple of hours. I have grown very protective of him, and am having a difficult time trusting anyone to take care of him, but he loves l and she loves him, and I wanted him to have some company. she left me a message at 4 saying he was doing well, but by the time I got home at 430 he was sitting in my room again, panting like crazy-he really needed to go out. I fed him when we got in, gave him derramaxx & tramadol, and sat next to him on the floor, where I remain. carver, after panting awhile, is now asleep, snoring away, pressed up against me.

we did manage to get an appointment with the pain specialist on friday, which, while I am not exactly looking forward to it, and grateful to have. I am hoping that we both find a way to control carver's pain and make him as comfortable as possible, and to gain some clarity as to where he is at, some sense of how he is feeling, some sense of something. I feel like I know very little and yet have to make all these decisions. I feel totally helpless and desperate to gain some sense of control, which is like trying to put a rope around water. I want to be able to put all of this anxiety and fear aside and just be with him. truth is I want him to get better or I want him to die peacefully in his sleep. thats not to say I don't want him right here, right now, by my side. I am just terrified at having to make any decisions for him.

stress and fear

2009-02-16T13:10:00.003-05:00

truth is, carver isn't doing well. I had convinced myself that the new pain meds (gabapentin) that he has been on, along with the tramadol & derramaxx, had been managing his pain, since he seems to be resting comfortably inside. but having spent 3 days at home with him, I cannot deny his total lack of wanting to walk at all, and that that means he remains in pain. he has a tough time getting himself up. he heads to the door with a lot of enthusiasm, but once we get down the stairs he does only what he needs to then wants to go back in. i have spent the last couple of days online, researching other meds, driving my vets crazy with emails, afraid to tell them the whole truth in fear they will say that "it is time", when i feel deep in my gut that it is not. but I am beginning to realize if he stays the way he is now, that that time will be soon. I have been very anti vet office and very anti testing for a while now, but have decided to go see a specialist at Angell memorial, whose specialty is pain management. dr. Moses was recommended by my home visit vets. she has been on here & now, on npr, and is one of the only vets in the country doing this work. and she is right up the street. so, I have a call out to her office (they are closed today) and now that the decision has been made, can't wait to get an appointment. I just want so much much for carver to be comfortable, and to be able to walk some, to enjoy his time outside, to enjoy his final months. I feel a little bit more calmer, having admitted to my vets the whole truth, really to having admitted the whole truth to myself, and to have taken some action, the most I can do today. but still, I am terrified. what if Dr. Moses says there is nothing she can do? what if this appointment, tests & treatments are more than we can afford? I guess I finally came to the realization that the not knowing is killing me, my anxiety levels are so ramped up that i can't concentrate. so knowing, in any light, will be better than this constant worry, the relentless questioning.

happy valentines day!

2009-02-14T17:13:00.003-05:00

arthritis

2009-02-10T15:26:00.005-05:00

you know the seven stages of dealing with death? I have spent a good part of today in anger, and a better part of it trying to figure out why. the home visit vets came yesterday to look at carver-strong, wonderful doctors who treat both carver, e and i with honesty and kindness. I asked them to come after noticing that carver was experiencing a definite lessening of mobility over the past week or so. I thought it was the cold and ice at first, and maybe that was a part of it. but we began to notice that carver held his tail firmly down and close to his body. and then it became clear that he was having a more difficult time getting up from lying down. he becomes more clingy when in pain, crying unless I am sitting next to him on the ground, with my arm around him. I made the appointment on friday for monday. sunday went o.k., but monday morning when we went out for a walk he got outside, sniffed the air, considered the stairs, then turned around to go back in.

the appointment was good, I guess, in that carver looked in some ways better than the vets had expected. I knew by the questions the vets asked at the beginning that they were looking for signs of carver declining, for signs that the cancer has spread to his lungs, etc. But she said his lungs sounded the same as they did 3 months ago, not perfect, but not worse. she felt along his spine, and when you reach a specific area on his lower back it is clear that he is in serious pain. a new drug, gabapentin was prescribed, along with intermittently upping his derramaxx, and continuing to give him a full 3x daily dose of tramadol, which we had upped from 2x daily when he began to exhibit more pain. the vets talked with e and I about judging his pain level, to help keep track of how he is doing, and how to know when he is having more bad days then good. which, of course, leads to the discussion that i have been having in my own mind for months now, about the end. I first contacted these home visit vets over the summer for the purpose of preparing myself for the possibility of carver'seuthanasia, which i want to be done at home. I wanted to have all the information ready so I did not have to figure it all out in a more difficult time. I feel like for months I have been preparing myself for this reality, all the while secretly praying that carver goes on his own, peacefully, so i am not faced with that decision. but basically there is no preparation for such things. I found the wind knocked out of me as I sat in cvs waiting for carver's new prescription to be filled. there is something about the new drug, which stops the brain from registering pain, rather than actually helping the source, that makes me realize we are really moving towards hospicing carver, rather than healing him. I have never had any delusions about him getting better, knowing that the cancer is usually aggressive, and knowing his age, the statistics etc. we went into this, the surgery, as a way of relieving him of his pain and allowing him to live out his last days with as much joy and grace as he could, and we truly have done that, and have been blessed with so much time. but I think the time has lulled me into a strange complacency, just going from day to day, not really holding the whole truth. I think in some ways this was good, for it allowed me the luxury of being with carver as girl and dog. But I do know that the reason i have not posted much in these past months has been a desperate need to not face this, to avoid being in this pain. and after yesterday, after carver's appointment, the pain of it all seems unavoidable.

so, about the anger. I found myself feeling angry that it is arthritis that is going to probably get him, after his having been able to fight off the cancer. this seems just stupid to me somehow, although when I think of it it is probably something to be grateful for, arthritis hopefully being less painful than cancer. I found myself feeling angry towards the vets, for bringing up the discussion of having to make a decision around his death, even though that is why I brought them there, and they did it with compassion, honesty and a directness that made the discussion possible. I felt strangely angry at e, just for being there and being witness to the whole thing, for being invested, a part of things, having an opinion. I fought off the urge to take carver under my arm (impossible) and run off with him, just the two of us. I realized today that on some level carver's death feels very private to me. e is a wonderful mom to carver, and he loves her with such depth and joy. but for many years it was just c and me. i remember holding him in my arms for the first time in vermont. that first night, when I was sleeping on the floor of corey's moms apartment, carver in my arms because he howled if left alone, i whispered into his ear that i was so happy to have him in my life, that i would do the best I could to take care of him, and to give him the best life that I could. he was my constant companion, taking three hour walks to the arboretum, endless summer evenings at the pond. it was through carver that I healed from both my father's death and from a heartbreak that followed a year later. It was through carver that I made some of my dearest friends, and made jp truly my community, my home. I learned how to talk to strangers through carver, and how to expect the best from people. he dragged me out of the house every morning and gave me something to come home to, long before I had found love of my own. he was my love.

I have learned to share that love with others, and to share him. and now I will learn to share his death. when i lost my father, i was the only member of my family to be alone, without a partner. I felt so alone in grief, but in some ways it seemed easier to me, to not have to worry about someone else's feelings. carver and I began this journey just the two of us, and there is a part of me that feels protective of that closeness, but really I know I am just being protective of myself. it is harder to deny his pain, or my own for that matter, when there is someone to witness it. but the mistake I made in my father's death was that by not sharing my grief with others, I was denying their own in a way. isolating myself in my own grief kept me from feeling anyone else's pain. many people mourned the loss of my father, as they will carver, e especially. carver loves her in a grand way, tail loudly thumping when she comes home. he has come to know peace only when all three of us are together. we will face his death together, and together we will mourn. learning to let others in is one of the greatest gifts that having carver has taught me, among so many others.

snow day

2009-01-19T18:32:00.004-05:00

it never stopped snowing this weekend!

carver stuck by me while I shoveled, helping me with his nose.

I shoveled out a path all around the house, but he insists on walking in the snowbank.

the action of carver eating snow is too fast to capture on film!

new year

2009-01-16T12:02:00.005-05:00

waking up

the time between thanksgiving and new years went by in a blur. e's family came to our home for both thanksgiving and christmas so we did not have to leave carver's side and he could be apart of the celebration. although my birth family is spread all over the country, my chosen one is close. carver has been such a big part of my sense of family for over 13 years now, so I was very happy to have us all together in our home. now we are enjoying the quiet after the holidays. I am home much more now, work having slowed down, and carver is happy for the company. every evening after our walk I spend some time lying on his bed with the length of him snuggled up close.

we live in boston, and the cold and the snow and the darkness have brought me back to that time after carver's surgery. it was such a scary time for all of us. i will never forget carver crying the whole night through when he first came home from the hospital. the terror of getting him down the stairs for the first time using a towel as a sling. his first shaky steps on three legs in the snow. now days carver can leap through the snow banks like a dolphin, although his arthritis keeps our walks very close to home, most days just walking around ours and our neighbors houses. neighborhood dogs stop by sometimes, which is always a treat. carver still loves to see a pal.

tomorrow is the one year anniversary of carver's surgery. I am blown away at how much time we have had with him, really quality time. his prognosis of surgery with no further treatment was 3-4 months, and I took that to heart. our greatest hope at the time was to have him see the spring. there have been so many times we thought we were close to the end. I remember talking to e about the fact we both felt that he would not see the end of summer. but here we are, a year later, and I can honestly say he is doing well-same old carver, digging for garbage, barking at people on the porch. begging for snacks, occasionally grabbing a branch form the ground and teasing me with it. sweetly liking my hand, sighing when he is lying close. groaning when someone rubs his ears, stretching his legs out when you scratch his feet.

I think the hardest past of this year, other than the fear and the grief of his early diagnosis, was the learning to live with the not knowing. I spent so many months seeing him as dying. it took a long time to really just be able to see him as carver. i still have moments of being overwhelmed by this, but truly none of us really know much of what will happen. If I could offer anything to anyone who is going through this now, or something similar, it would be to remind them that we really do not know, and neither does your vet or the statistics. every dog is different. in that, all we can do is love our dogs as much as possible, enjoy them and your time together.
that and get a second opinion. and listen to your heart and your dog. had we listened to the first vet, who told us we should put carver down within a week or two, we would have lost all of this time with him. I know we have been lucky, that so many other dogs have not. I have a neighbor whose dog died a few weeks after having chemo, who admitted to me that she has moments of asking herself why carver and not her dog. I do not have any answers but know I would feel the same way. we have no way of knowing. I live with the fact that the end is still coming, and that there will be a lot more to face in the coming days, months years? who knows, but it is somewhere out there in the future.

but the one thing that I DO know is that we have today. I took the day off to get caught up with the details of life, laundry, dishes, email, but a big part of the joy of four days off is knowing I have such a good stretch of time with carver. even sitting in the kitchen with carver asleep in the next room I can hear him sigh, and I know a part of his contentment is having me home. and a big part of my contentment is knowing he is in the other room, head on a pillow, body curled up and relaxed.

yawn

thanksgiving

2008-11-23T18:02:00.002-05:00

a lot to be thankful for this november, like autumn days sitting on the porch with carver.

carver had his 10 month anniversary of his surgery last week-my miracle pup. right now he is lying asleep on the couch, sandwiched between e and me. We are celebrating thanksgiving at our house this year, so carver can be apart of the festivities. e's family is coming, as well as our friend tracy, and our pals corey & felix from vermont. I got carver from a dog wardon on vermont when I was living with corey in the northeast kingdom. I had come up for the birth of felix, stayed for a month, and came home with a baby of my own. Now felix is 13, taller than me, voice already deepened, and here is carver, 13 as well, old man. he was a fat puppy then, 8 weeks old, his belly big and warm and full of worms, the poor thing. He was the last of his litter, and was being kept alone in a pen in the yard. when we went to see him, the neighbor came by to complain about all the howling. I fell deeply in love at first sight. I was to be in vermont for a couple more days-carver and I moved over to corey's moms house, where dogs were allowed, and slept on the floor with him, curled up. I still have the pictures a friend took the first day I brought him home on my fridge. he was all ears then. I was unemployed, living off the end of my savings and with help from my sister. I loved that fall, spending all day out walking with carver, who would go and go and go until he fell asleep, instantly in a heap, where ever we happened to be. I used to love carrying him home, that warm bundle, those giant ears. our walks are so different now. I was excited just to get up and down parkton today, a good walk, not too many breaks to rest in neighbors yards-carver still resting where ever he sees fit. I still marvel at him. he still lives for a leaf pile, the deeper the better. still full of curiosity. still the determination to grab any and every snack he spots on the road. I marvel at his determination, his willingness to go slow, and to rest. his willingness to keep going, each shaky step. so much to be thankful for. 10 months of gratitude, 13 years of it.

i received a cheery email from a friend today-here is the line that made me smile
"Yesterday morning and this morning, as I was driving along Jamaica Way to the gym, I noticed a bundle of warm clothing walking a magnificent dog. And it was YOU!"

home vets

2008-11-05T17:38:00.002-05:00

carver had his first visit with a pair of veterinarians whose practice is all house calls. I found them over the summer, while I was researching for vets who would be able to help with at home euthanasia, if we have to face that awful decision in the future. carver has had less mobility lately, first not wanting to go into the kitchen, then the walks began to get shorter, with more frequent rests. he becomes dead weight when he does not want to go in the direction. anyway, we had suspected that his difficulty in walking was in part due to his nails getting too long, and his not being able to gain purchase on the slick linoleum. at first I began to see if I could find a groomer who could come over to trim his nails (carver has never been able to stand me doing this, and I have not been able to stand it either). but e pointed out that it may be something else-and I thought of the home vets. they were wonderful-two female vets who work in tandem. we were outside when they arrived, and they honked and waved as they drove by. carver was smothered with pats and kisses and compliments. he was thrilled-visitors! we made our way into the house, and they continued to praise and pet carver while i filled them in with how I have been treating him and the story of his cancer. then they began to examine him, an extension of the petting. they listened to his heart and lungs, looked into his eyes and ears, checked all his limbs, flexing and extending his joints, all the things he would have done at the regular vets, all on the comfort of his own cushion. although we love love love dr. w, it was wonderful to not have to out carver through the stress of the vets visit. and it is a huge comfort to have more folks on carver's team. and what a kind and compassionate and wonderful team he has all around-dr. w, janice the acupuncturist, saint lili, the expert elder dog care giver, e, mother number 2 extraordinaire and carver's best pal, and now the awesome home vet ladies. and the happy news-they were way impressed with carver's overall health, all things considered. they said his eyes looked great, heart sounded strong. his right lung sounded a little odd, but she said it could be "old dog lung" and not due to a lung met. the main issue now is his arthritis. they suggested adding fish oil & glycosomine, both of which I have in the house, and adding a warm compress to his front right shoulder at tonight while we are cozy on the couch. between this visit and the wonderful winning of president obama, I feel my body relaxing for the first time in months. what sweet relief!

sumac

2008-10-16T16:12:00.002-04:00

my heart is still racing, having just had a big scare. carver and i had just returned from a good walk, to the wild flower meadow and back. carver was in good spirits, and full of energy, his digestion just returning to normal after a few days of being sick. the field is dotted with sumac, long feather branches glowing crimson in the gray light. the tall grass has been battered down in spots, in every direction, looking like churned up water. I sat on the porch smoking when we got back, carver laying on the door mat, barking at every passer by. we came in, my voice light with the promise of supper, when carver, hopping at the anticipation of food, slid on an patch of wood floor, twisting his remaining front foot. he went down to the floor with a high pitched cry, one I have not heard since he was a pup and lost a foot down into a large holed drainage grate in a stretch of tall grass. I helped him up, my arms around his belly, trying to get him over to his bed, two footed, him not wanting to put any pressure on the remaining. I stroked his leg gently, feeling for breaks, bending his ankle a centimeter to the left, then up, the the right and back. in a moment he leaped up to eat the food in his bowl, then over to get a drink of water, then back to his bed. he is till laying here panting, myself the human equivalent. how precious that leg is, how fragile, and important. life sustaining. over the months I have stopped the steady stream of nightmarish scenarios that could equal carver's end. but here we are. we need that leg. he cant survive without it. I will give carver pain killers and keep him quiet for the next couple of days-no more walks until I am sure he has healed. I cant help but dwell on how just a few moments ago all that was on my mind was the sumac, how many colors of red it turned, and whether or not they began dark then lightened, or the other way around.

wards

2008-10-05T09:02:00.003-04:00

carver and I walked down to ward's pond this morning. the heat of the past couple months has kept us much closer to home, so it had been a long while. I had not set out for ward's, having accepted some time ago that carver could not manage the long walk. but as we skirted the edge of the wildflower field, touching the edge of the path that led down into the dark woods, I decided to enter. it was a cool morning, gray, the paths smelling rich with decaying leaves. rabbits ran past, and squirrels could be seen by the handful. dozens of blackbirds were tucked in the piles of leaves, the leaves rolling like a pot of boiling water. the sumac that stretches out over the pond gleamed bright crimson. the lily pads have disintergrated in their place, leaving a shadowy gray pattern on the surface of the water. carver walked all the way to the pond without stopping to rest, stepped into the water ankle deep, and began to drink. we climbed up the hill slowly, and I suddenly felt as if my father were walking along beside us. the walk reminded me of so many similar walks i took with my dad as a child. me, lost in my senses, eyes to the ground searching for treasure, he lost in thought, but still with me, neither of us talking. a peaceful silence, a sanctuary, where living meant taking one step, and then another, nothing to do, or to figure out, or to plan. carver was the child now, even in his old age, taking in every scent, every texture and sound. and even though my thoughts would wander, I was with him, taking in all that was around us, and him, the wonder of him and the gift of the morning. I feel like carver and I both got to expereince a piece of ourselves that has been missing for awhile, our best selves, the parts of us that are as wild and curious as the rabbits, as close to the earth as the decaying leaves.

old dogs

2008-09-23T09:21:00.003-04:00

I just heard that another one of carver's peers died last weekend.. timmer lived around the corner, a sweet lab mix. it was through the dogs that I met our friend paula. timmer had been walking slowly, he had arthritis, but when she brought him in to the vet it ended up that he had a cancerous tumor that was pressing on his heart. within days it had traveled to his lungs. most of the dogs carver played with at the dog park are gone now-roger, gracie, wolfie,whose real name was wolfgang, lucy the sheep dog, tango the giant lab who would bark at the people doing thai chi. dog after dog, leaving us one by one. lili walked carver yesterday afternoon, while I had to stay late at work to teach a class, and she said she took him over to the baseball field. she said she was not sure if she should have taken him on such a long walk-his back legs have been really shaky-but what if this was the last time he got to goto the field? I was stunned to hear this-I have not been thinking of carver as dying for a while now-just shaky and achy and old, but not dying. so to hear someone else considering him in this way was a shock of sorts. but this way of thinking did not seem so far out of reach from the truth. just a different point of view. this morning I learned that my high school art teacher died over the weekend from cancer. then I took carver out and ran into paula, who told me about timmer. it is a really sad day. such a reminder of how much to be grateful for, in this moment. today I am here, e is here, my family is here, here on earth, all my dear friends around the country are here, waking up, drinking coffee, going to work. and carver is here, shaky legs and all. let me be awake enough in every moment to feel the wonder and gratitude that, for this moment, so many of us are enjoying the gift of being alive.

butterfly field

2008-09-11T16:43:00.002-04:00

another glorious walk in the butterfly field, a patch of land not mown by the city, in hopes of restoring it to Olmstead's original glory. carver walked waist high in clover and queen anne's lace. we ran into neighborhood friends, who had not seen carver in some time. my heart felt full, awake with the company of carver. the sweet smell of him. taking in his delight in the tall grass. i want to be this present on every walk. to enjoy every afternoon with him. each one is a gift.

late summer/early fall

2008-09-10T16:43:00.003-04:00

carver and i just came back from a glorious walk, after a sleepless night. carver came down with a bought of diarrhea last night, which kept us both up all night, taking trips out into the yard, the motion security light guiding our way through the darkness. I ended up sleeping on the couch, listening to his every breath, fully clothed, waiting to jump up and take him out again. but when i arrived home this afternoon, carver seemed cheerful and rested. we began our walk like all our walks these days, by sitting in the yard, carver lying down in the dirt, me on the stoop, reading. I heard a scratching sound coming from the other side of a 10 foot wooden fence that divides our yard from the neighbors. up popped a young red cat, surveying the situation. carver got up closer to sniff, his breath shallow as he took in the kittens scent. then he began to bark, not in anger but curiosity. who are you, what are you doing there, what are you going to do next? the kitten sat on top of the fence, unphased by carer's deep bark. eventually he turned his body and returned to his own yard. carver, inspired by the interaction, decided it was time for a proper walk. I followed carver's lead, heading up the hill, which we have not done in some time. carver seemed to enjoy marking his old territory, climbing into peoples little street side gardens. we took a res tor two, but his back legs, shaky almost all the time now, held strong.
its a beautiful afternoon, long shadows and clean crisp air. the leaves on the tree outside are just beginning to show flashes of gold. squirrels have been eating the faces of the sunflowers I planted in front of the house in April. we seem to be right at the edge between summer and fall. going in to our forth season of three legged carver. I am so glad he still with us, able to enjoy both of our favorite seasons. carver loves to run through piles of crunchy leaves, taking in the cool air. how amazing this old dog is to me-his strength and his joy.

carver relaxing on a walk with e while I was in san francisco

2008-09-02T20:18:00.003-04:00

well, we made it, carver and me. I made it to california and back, had a good visit with my sister and my nephew and my brother in law. and carver did great, hanging out with e and lili, sleeping late, staying up later, and having lots of adventures, including a trip to logan to pick me up! I have to admit I felt very at ease while away, knowing carver was in such good hands. it felt good to take a little break from being primary care taker, and I got a chance to really relax.

carver has been CLINGY since I got back. if we are in the kitchen, and carver was in the living room (the next room over) he will cry & cry, instead of just getting up and coming in. I have been trying to stay close, although I had to work the day after I got back. but my afternoons are his-chilling in the yard, cozy on the couch-whatever he wants. I missed him. I am happy to comfort him now that I am home.

here is a picture of the folks I was visiting. look at that baby!

I'm doing it

2008-08-26T16:49:00.003-04:00

I am going to california. I have scheduled, cancelled and rescheduled this trip a million times, and now I am going. I have not left carver overnight since the diagnosis. e will be home to care for him, and lili will be by in the afternoons. I am not worried, exactly. I guess mainly I will miss him. and I do not want HIM to worry. california! thats a long ways away! and what will I do with no dog beside me? I guess I can pat my nephew-eli should provide enough distraction. so, if you are local and a FOC, drop by, give him a pat, tell him I love him and will be home soon!

we walk, and rest

2008-08-21T16:25:00.002-04:00

gosh, I have not been writing much these days. it is partially a reflection of the normalcy that carver and I have fallen into. we take short walks. we sit on the side of the road a lot, resting between bouts of carver leaping, sniffing, marking his territory. we jump up to great other dogs, despite any tiredness carver is feeling in the moment. he still takes derramaxx in the morning, although he has not had a tramadol in a long while. janice the acupuncturist still comes every three weeks to give carver a treatment, which I think helps him a lot. we hang out together every afternoon in the house, eating snacks, visiting with the cats.

but partially it is my not wanting to think of carver and cancer. I know this truth rests in the back of my mind always, but in the day to day I see him more as old man carver then cancer patient. his turning 13 was such a milestone. the party was cheery, but distracting in a way-I have not really let sink in-13! that is an excellent age for a big old dog. and carver is a grand 13, still full of life and happiness.

I am going to california in 6 days, to visit my sister and nephew, and will be gone for 4. e will stay home to take care of carv, along with our angel friend auntie lili, patron saint of old ailing dogs. lili is willing to sit outside with carver for 2 hours if that is what he feels like doing. it is a huge comfort to have lili in our lives-having help is HUGE. with e and lili I have a dream team of support, and know that carver is well cared for. but of course I feel sick about leaving. the thing that is hardest about having a dog is that you can't explain what is happening in the moment-4 days isn't a concept he can grasp (or can he? some folks who are into animal communication would disagree). I will explain it to him anyway. i guess a few days not being in care taker mode will be good for me (but there will be that baby...). and san francisco is wonderul. I don't know-I wish I could feel excited, but for now I am settling for not too freaked out.

so that is how we are! I want to extend lots of love to all FOC (friends of carver) especially those folks whose dogs have osteosarcoma.

me holding up carver's portrait

2008-08-17T13:43:00.003-04:00

in front of the window with a beware of the dog sign, that includes a drawing of carver as well.
painting by the incredible andrea sparks, beware of dog sign by me.

happy 7th month anniversary carver

2008-08-17T12:39:00.004-04:00

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Carver turned 13 on friday, and we had a party to celebrate. his pal lili took him for a walk when she arrived, which was wonderful, allowing me to continue to get the party set up. lots of friends came, and there were many excellent presents, including a new stuffed squirrel, lots of treats, colored tennis balls, a wonderful photograph of carver in the spring time, under a flowering tree, and, best of all, an amazing portrait painted by our artist friend andrea. carver loved having lots of guests and being the center of attention. he received lots of pats, and basked in the limelight. the night took a turn when two visiting dogs had an altercation, in which e's hand ended up in the middle of. she got a good bite-puncture wound and a large cut on the side of her hand. a friend took her to the emergency room while I tried to entertain guests, but I was filled with shock and worry-not a very good hostess! but everyone was sweet and helpful, and the emergency room was not too crowded so e made it back before the party ended. carver crashed around midnight on the living room couch, but we stayed up with some friends talking till 3 a.m. we went to bed around 4, and e, carv and I laid low yesterday, lounging around in the living room all day. a memorable evening all around!

7 months is amazing-carver continues to do well. he did not do too much walking this morning, but has been a great spirits and enjoys hanging out in the shade. all his hair has finally grown back in, and he looks great. wow! 7 months!!! the party decorations are still hanging and the house looks cheery. today is another day to celebrate!

in just two days carver will turn 13!

2008-08-13T18:21:00.001-04:00

and we are celebrating. if you are local and want to say happy birthday to carver, drop me an email & I will send you the address!

thunderstorms

2008-08-07T15:54:00.002-04:00

carver and i are sitting in the dark, waiting out another thunderstorm-it has pretty much rained here every day since june-a tropical summer! the sunflowers like it. I Just wish it did not have to happen every day during our walk time!

carver has been doing great since our visit with dr. walker-he has remained bright and happy. without a car we have been neighborhood bound, but that has been fine. we signed up for zip car so we can still get over to the arboretum every so often.

carver, e and I had a crazy week, with my big sis visiting with my nephew elijah. carver liked the baby, gave him a few good licks, but our cat blackie was obsessed, sleeping with the baby every night and following it around the apartment. it seems like we went from visiting straight into a busy week of work & plans. but we have exciting things coming up!

carver's 13th birthday is a week from tomorrow and we are having a party to celebrate. back in january I would never have imagined we would be having this celebration. e made beautiful invitations and I have been emailing friends who I will not see before hand.
i promise to post lots of pictures! carver's 7th month anniversary is right behind the birthday, so there is a lot to celebrate and be grateful for.

a great check up with dr. walker!

2008-07-29T17:15:00.002-04:00

we rented a car today to take carver in to see dr. walker. He was really happy with how carver was doing, and said he looked great! lungs sounding clear, heart strong. dr. w was really impressed with how well carver is doing 6 months + after surgery. needless to say e and I are relieved and happy. janice the acupuncturist also noted how well carver seemed to her-coat looking good, all the hair having grown back finally. eyes bright, full of zest. what a difference a few days can make. I am glad we took him in today-it feels good to have an objective set of eyes and hands check carver out. we are so sensitive to the subtle day to day changes in his energy and attitude-it remains difficult not to jump to the worse case senario when every a bad couple of days rolls around. but for today I feel set free, and able to focus on my sister coming to visit with my new nephew! and to have some time off to relax and enjoy theirs and carver's company. hurrah for carver!

the reason I love jamaica plain

2008-07-28T16:24:00.002-04:00

is that, when walking carver, an old hippie grandma will pull her mini van over, get out of the car, and give carver a reiki treatment on the street!

its been a tough couple of weeks. e and I have been seeing a shift in carver-sleeping a little longer, and more deeply, not wanting to walk much at all, panting with his lungs sounding full. we have been preparing for the last stage of carver's life. the congestion propted us to make an appointment with dr walker, which is tomorrow afternoon. I am afraid of what we might find tomorrow, but the truth will be better than this constant wondering.

so anyway, carver didn't walk to walk this morning-not even over to the tree for a pee. I came home early from work, put carver's jacket on him, and headed out into the yard. we did the usual laying around in the yard. once we got back out onto the street, carver bolted across over to the parking lot, then up the hill! having left the house without the leash, I attatched the lanyardy thing I keep my keys onto his harness, and we walked the loop of parkton. it was on the top of the street that we met the hippie lady. we also saw rory, carver's greyhound friend, and a couple of nice neighbors. it was a cheery surprise, and a delight to see carver having so much fun and full of beans!

looking toward the future, I did find a vet that makes house calls, and we have enchanged wonderful emails that are full of compassion and kindness. she is also affordable, which many of the home visit vets I first found were not. so I am relieved to have this option in place. I think tomorrow will be carver's last visit with dr. walker-(e's car broke down for good last week, and he is 45 minutes away-we had to rent a car to go tomorrow). unless there is an emergency, that we will try to take care of carver at home.

today is the 6 month anniversary of carver's amputation!

2008-07-17T17:16:00.002-04:00

and it is a wonderful reason to celebrate. always on the anniversary date I think of those cold dark days helping carver into the snowy yard using a rigged up sling, just grateful to get him up and down the stairs in once piece. I never thought we would get to this hot and humid season, carver and I laying down in front of the fan.

so let me take this moment to share some of the gratitude that I feel,
for carver's playfulness today, despite the heat, teasing me with a giant branch in the yard.
for the way he gets up excitedly and runs to our bedroom when its time to sleep.
for the sound of his three legs trotting across the kitchen floor when it is time to eat.
for the way he springs up when he sees another dog coming his way, wanting to say hello.
for how cozy he is, always in the same room, resting at my feet.
for his sweetness, the way he gently licks my arm.
for the sound of his tail thumping against the floor, even when he is still laying completely down on the ground.
for his velvety ears.
for all the crazy white hairs that have spread all over his belly.
for his enthusiasm for going to his favorite haunts, even if it means just laying down there.
for all of this time, what a gift, our miracle old man, beating the odds.

I love you carver!

BLUE GREEN ALGAE CORRECTION!

2008-07-13T14:21:00.003-04:00

thanks to a UH poster, I have discovered I am spreading misinformation! Wards, Leverret, and willow ponds have NOT been affected by the algae(that is not really an algae) . The problem area begins at the Agassiz bridge, which is in the Fenway, then heads down stream, towards the Charles. SO, jp dogs and friends, breathe easy-but be sure to tell your fenway and beyond friends the news!

blue green algae alert!

2008-07-12T13:15:00.003-04:00

for all my boston dog friends-I have just learned that there are toxic levels of blue green algae in the muddy river. this includes wards, leverett, and willow ponds. this algae is know to be very toxic to dogs, and can be fatal if ingested. I know carver and I both are sad not to be playing in the ponds. here is the email I received about it. be safe puppies!

From Kate Bowditch:
Hello MMOC members-

Today while CRWA staff were out doing some water quality monitoring on the Muddy River, they saw obvious signs of blue-green algae (more formally called cyanobacteria, and not a true algae). While all algae stresses the river when in excess, blue-green algae in rivers and ponds is a particular concern because it can produce toxins which can cause allergic reactions in people upon contact, and has in some cases been known to kill dogs who drink it. We have been monitoring this problem on the Charles for several years, and when blue-green algae "blooms" reach dangerous levels, DCR posts signs warning the public about the potential risk and advising them to avoid contact with the water and to keep pets out of the water.
Our meter tests indicate levels of blue-green algae that are at or near the threshold for these warnings at the Agassiz Bridge, and visual indications of the blue-green algae continue downstream towards Charlesgate. Upstream of the Agassiz Bridge this problem was not observed. CRWA will conduct follow-up monitoring early next week and we will report to this body, as well as to DCR and other interested groups.

I have notified DCR of our findings, and suggested that they contact Hugh, as well as the Emerald Necklace Conservancy, if they feel it is appropriate to post warnings so that he can help, and perhaps recruit volunteers to help hang signs.

At these levels, given the uses of the Muddy River, I believe the main concern is to ensure that people do not let their dogs swim in our drink the water in the river where the blue-green algae is present. Fishing could pose some risks as well since fishermen could contact toxins as they handle fish and equipment. People walking along the banks are not considered at risk.
The main causes of blue-green algae blooms are warm temperatures, and high levels of nutrients, mainly phosphorus, in the water, especially water that is shallow and slow-moving. More information about blue-green algae can be found on the CRWA website at www.charlesriver.org.

Please pass the word to interested parties.

once again, the good and the bad

2008-07-06T20:42:00.005-04:00

this afternoon we met up with a friend of e's and her beagle pedro over at the pond. we drove carver to the pond, parking on the side of perkins street that is close to the beach. carver had such an amazing walk! he was so excited to be there, walking in the water, checking out the other dogs, laying down in the water, being fed pretzels from the kindest little bruiser of a boy I have ever met. being hugged by strangers, running into old friends like mandy and phoebe. it was a wonderful time. I was really marveling at how well he was doing-it feels like it has been a long time since we have had a fun romp like that. with the weather being so sticky carver and I have been mostly going on short walks up and down the street in the morning, then just hanging out in the yard in the afternoons. on the weekends e and i always take him at least once to the arboretum, but the pond really lit him up like nowhere else.

on the way to the "dog bowl", a field next to the pond where all the dogs of jp come to sniff and mark and play, carver fell down, and cried out in pain. I saw the tail end of the fall, but not the whole thing. afterwards, he was visibly in pain in his back right leg. this is the leg that has been giving him trouble over these past few months. it is his left front that is missing, so it is the opposite leg. we managed to walk him back to the car, assisting him at times by holding the handle of his harness, him running at times, which I think he does to push through the pain. I gave him some lunch and 2 tramadol-his first in over a month. e and I headed out to do some grocery shopping. when we came home carver greeted us at the door, but he was trying not to put any weight on that back leg. we have been worried about that leg for some time. it is scrawny, and feels weak. I did not want to think about it further than to say "o.k., bed rest and tramadol for the next few days and we will see how he does" but e gently mentioned that it could be a sign of something worse, the cancer returning or even just his leg getting too weak to support him. a sign of something that will lead us to the next something. as soon as this reality cracked its way into my stone wall of denial, I burst into tears. these past few weeks I have been living under the illusion of "I have finally got this taking care of carver thing down-I do not obsess over him dying, I really am just taking it day by day". but then there I find myself, pushing his illness & impending death away. I am not being present, I am just selectively thinking. often, when I think I am doing well, staying in the present moment, I am not allowing myself to feel anything. I think I have been really checked out these past few weeks. there has to be a middle ground for me between being grief stricken and numbed out. it reminds me of a line from a Rumi poem-"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I will meet you there." I long to find this ground.

I emailed two vets who do home visits today, in preparation for the future. The Irish part of me has been putting this off-it feels like I am cursing myself to even let the thought in, never mind be doing the leg work in anticipation, but the practical (still Irish) side of me won. I would not want to be online, calling a stranger in carver's time of need, in the midst of him, and myself, suffering through the process of his dying. so I sent the emails. I am full of dread. I keep silently sending out wishes to god and the ancestors and spirits, and anyone else who will listen, "this does not mean I want this to happen, it does not mean I am ready, or that carver is ready"-but really, how much control (or pull) do I think I have? praying for me as a little girl always felt more like collective bargaining. now, as a practicing Buddhist and a superstitious lapsed catholic (who makes sure her family knows that she wants last rites, just in case) I have given in to the truth that I just do not know what I believe in, in regards to the after life. I want to believe in heaven, so I will see my father again. but I believe in reincarnation, have felt connections to people and places that felt unmistakably old, older than myself. I feel jealous of the folks on the bone cancer dogs support group, who believe their dogs are somewhere called the rainbow bridge, legs restored, playing together, waiting to be reunited with their people. I would give a lot to believe that in my heart, but I can't. for the time being I have to be content with letting the mystery be.

so, in all of this, carver rests at my feet. the tramadol has made him comfortable. he still came trotting in the kitchen to beg for some of our supper. he ate an extra cup of kibble. he let me poke and prod and move his leg around a bit, but I could tell he wasn't too thrilled with the activity. so I am back to where I started-a couple days of tramadol, bed rest, then we will see how he is doing.

arboretum trips

2008-06-30T06:32:00.004-04:00

a beautiful foggy evening at the arboretum

carver laying under an umbrella of flowers

and hiding in the tall cabbage

getting a drink from a puddle fresh from the storm

and then laying beside it

california

2008-06-29T12:18:00.002-04:00

so I am thinking about going to California for four days in a couple of weeks to visit my sister and my new nephew whom I have not met yet-I had a trip planned in january, but I cancelled it when carver got diagnosed. the ticket is going to expire soon, and I really want to go, but am totally conflicted because of carver. e will stay home to take care of him. but I am so nervous that he will down slide because I am away. is this totally irrational? I figured it would be better to go soon, since carver has been doing so well lately, then to wait and be more uncertain. its the howling in the morning that gets me, he does not even like me going to work. and he is so used to me being home all the time-I had a hard time just going to dinner the other night. but I know it is important to keep on living in this time, and I so want to meet eli. It has been hard to live with so much uncertainty, but i think it is time.

on a very short walk this evening

2008-06-25T20:33:00.002-04:00

(we are taking 15 minutes) carver met a new corgie named jake, a deep red retriever named finn who carver liked so much he tried to mount him (with only one leg!) then we saw, separately, in no relation to each other, two cats being walked on leashes-one man, one woman, who I believe are destined to meet. and neither of them were manny, who is always out walking his cat whiskey. who would have thought parkton road would have 3 cats on leashes at the same time! an eventful walk!

the update is

2008-06-25T17:15:00.003-04:00

that there is not much of an update! I am home on the couch with a cold, carver is lying next to me, content. carver has been doing well this week-lots of energy, good walks, cozy at all times and sleeping in the room with us every night, which I love. carver has continued to howl when I leave for work-its become his new morning ritual. e is not happy-I have had breakfasts all week so I leave for work at 5:30 a.m., which means carver is howling at 5:30! it breaks my heart that he is so unhappy that I have left-I have got to go make some money to keep us in kibble! carver has always been a quiet dog, so this is a bit of a surprise. I will talk to the acupuncturist about it on monday, to see if she has any suggestions. one thing to be grateful for-carvers howling spot of choice is in the living room, not under our upstairs neighbors bed rooms! I am going to shut the living room door tomorrow morning to see if this helps e at all.

a walk and a scare

2008-06-18T18:58:00.002-04:00

carver and I went to the pond today-I was not planning on it, but he really wanted to go, and I thought we should, with the cool breeze and it not being too hot outside-god only knows how many days like this we have ahead. carver ran to the pond. we walked around "the house" which we used to do back when there actually was a house there. now it is just two plane trees in a giant fenced in area. it was the pinebrook mansion, a hotly debated piece of crumbling property that the city finally decided to tear down. we miss it. it has excellent graffiti if flying bats on the side.

anyway, carver did well. I took a bunch of pictures, but cannot find my usb cable anywhere for this tiny camera. we rested behind the house. sniffed some small dogs-only small dogs at the pond today-strange. he howled along with a fine engine.

but it was on the way back, when carver was resting and another engine flew by, when he was howling, that I heard it. a rattle, a raspy sound when he breathed deeply in to howl. it sent chills up my spine. Lung metastases are the most common with bone cancer, and without an x-ray are asymptomatic until they get bad. Carver does pant a lot, but I have been chocking it up to the heat. now I am not so sure. and I am totally unsure of how to proceed. do we get the lung x-rays, just to know? we are not going to put him through surgery again. what would knowing do? I feel scared, and sad. It is possible that it could be do to allergies-his eyes and nose have been congested, and these are not symptoms, so perhaps his lungs are clogged as well. I am going to call dr. w to see if we could try benadryl first to see if it is at all helpful.

ever since my dream the other night, I have had a sense of dread underneath all my feelings, a sense of time passing too quickly, of the days running out. I do not want to lose him and I do not want to see him suffer and I do not want to have to make any decisions. plain and simple. I want it all to go away. If carver has to die I want it to be pain free and in his sleep, along with everyone else I love and everyone else. I am just not sure how to face this.

but I want you to know, carver had a wonderful walk. he rested in the tall grass, howled and sniffed and ran and chewed sticks. he loves the pond best of all, his old stomping ground, the puppy play groups, dogs toppling over one another while their owners huddled, drinking coffee and gossiping. running away from the rangers, swimming and chasing squirrels, five minutes away from home, the place where every dog in jp ended up at one point in the day. I am so glad we went to the pond today. I am so happy to be here on the couch with him right now.

A letter to the vet who first diagnosed carver

2008-06-17T19:43:00.000-04:00

Dear Dr. M

On January 11 of this year you diagnosed my 12 year old Lab/Shepard/Border collie mix Carver with osteosarcoma. You told us that there was nothing we could do, that he would die within one to two weeks, and that we should consider putting him down, as soon as that same day. We were sent home with a weeks worth of tramadol and an awful decision to make.

After the initial shock wore off, my partner and I took out our computers and began to do research, in hopes of achieving a greater understanding of what carver was going through. We discovered that many dogs have the limb of the tumor site amputated to relieve them of the pain of the cancer. We called a veterinarian we trust who works at the VCA in Weymouth to get a second opinion.

One of the reasons we chose to seek out a second opinion was that Carver did not seem different. He did not exhibit any change in personality that would indicate that he was ready to move on from this life. I could not match the diagnosis with the dog in front of me. We knew going in that amputation might only give us an additional 3-4 months. But we thought it was worth a shot, to have some time to give Carver all the life he wanted, to do all the things he loves to do, and to slow down at his own pace. With the intention of giving Carver the best end of life possible, and with the support of Dr. Walker, 5 days after his diagnosis Carver's leg was amputated.

Today marks the five month anniversary of Carver's surgery. I can honestly say that in these 5 months Carver has led a happy, active, joyful senior life. Although he has slowed down some, with the help of Derramaxx and an occasional Tramadol, Carver enjoys twice daily walks and visits to the Jamaica Pond and the Arboretum. He loves being outside, loves being with us in all that we do, and remains the dog we always knew.

I am writing because I wanted you to know that your initial prognosis was wrong. At the time of diagnosis, you did not present us with any treatment options. Had we followed your advice, we would be marking a much different anniversary today. A veterinarian's responsibility is to diagnose, and to lay out all options available, to to help guide the caretaker to the most appropriate option for their animal. A pet owner should be given the respect that they know their animal best, and their experience and intuition should be included in the making of any treatment plan.

We know that we will lose Carver sometime soon, most likely to this cancer. These past five months have truly been a blessing. At five months, we have beaten the statistics of a dog with amputation and no further treatment. We are grateful for every day we have with him.

I am writing this not out of anger, but with the sincere hope that this experience will be of help to you in your practice, and that Carver's experience will be of benefit to your clients, especially the seniors and the dogs who are given the hard diagnosis of cancer.

Sincerely,

happy 5 month anniversary carver!

2008-06-17T17:01:00.004-04:00

today marks 5 months since carver's amputation surgery. 5 months! and here we are on a lazy cloudy afternoon, cuddled up on the couch. carver has been doing well, congested but happy. I found out that congestion is not a sign of lung mets, so I feel a little more at ease. carver does have a bump that is boney feeling on his rib that I am worried about, but have been pushing out if my mind, wanting to focus on NOW-5 months! 4 1/2 more months then we were first given! 1 month more than the statistics! I try to not worry all the time, and sometimes I succeed, although I wonder if it is really "stuffing away" rather than "not worrying". I awoke from a dream last night that a vet had moved into our triple decker, and i asked him if, when the time came, he could help carver over to the other side, here at home. I woke to carver panting, needing to go outside. I did not remember the dream until later on this afternoon while I was at work, and it came as a shock. I guess a part of me is always anticipating the end, although i am glad that the other parts are more focused on celebrating, especially on an auspicious day like today.

a quick update

2008-06-11T18:17:00.005-04:00

I have not been writing much these days-my mom and step dad are visiting, and the heatwave came and put both carver and me in a catatonic state. carver has not been doing well in the heat, so we have not been walking much, so there has not been much to write about. but, truth be told, carver is doing wonderfully. he is in good spirits, and we both have been going with the flow of the weather and all the activity around the house. carver loves having visitors (he especially loves joe) and has been happy to have so much company. all is well!

the new normal

2008-06-04T16:24:00.004-04:00

carver just came back from a good walk in the rain. we walked across the field where the ice skating rink used to be. we are so happy to see the no mow signs in the field, where the Shasta daisies are already up and blooming. the field has been mowed the last couple of years, much to our heart break. but the folks who are trying to restore all of Olmsted park to its original glory are on the watch. soon the daisies will give way to black eyed susans, queen Anne's lace in the fall, whose sturdy cups will hold puffs of new fallen snow come winter. time is on my mind these days, time passing. while carver has had his ups and downs, the new normal-these ups and downs-and while I learn to keep flexible in my mind and let him do what he needs, I have been stuffing down some deep feelings of despair. In the back of my mind I know that each day is one day closer to losing carver. i know i should not feel that way. I have been trying to stay cheerful and present and grateful for every moment, and for the most part I can. when he layed down in the tall wet grass, his face was filled not with pain or exhaustion, but elation. I laughed just looking at that big wet snout, covered in pollen. but underneath the joy is a deep sadness, and a whole bunch of fear. all of this has manifested as exhaustion , and a total lack of willingness to do much of anything these days. after therapy yesterday, with some good crying, and meditation practice today, I am feeling, well, better? maybe just feeling, period. I keep circling back to the truth of losing him, and the pain of that, and how afraid I am-afraid to be with out him, the fear of seeing him in pain, the fear of knowing what to do, of reading him right, of knowing when to let go.

carver and e's trip to the arb while i was at work

2008-05-31T14:27:00.001-04:00

carver in the lush grass, alone....

and with a friend!

carver is back!

2008-05-29T08:03:00.002-04:00

carver was raring to go this morning, again, after a fine walk yesterday afternoon. We headed down to daisy field where we met a puppy boxer named jake, and a couple of other nice dogs. the best thing was that we ran into our friend pamela with her pack of old dogs, who we have not seen since this ground was still snowy. she called out to us-'its great to see your dog looking so fabulous, darling!" I agree!!

its been a couple of rough days,

2008-05-28T17:41:00.002-04:00

after a couple of really fun ones. maybe they were too much fun. e and I were both really craving to get out of town and into some nature last sunday, and to see something new. we headed west, first to concord, where we took carver for a walk at fairey pond, a pond very close to Walden, but where dogs are allowed (and off leash to boot!). carver loved fairey pond, especially its muddy banks. right away he ended up stuck in a deep decline by the water, climbing down to retrieve someones lost tennis ball. I climbed down, grabbed the ball and using his red handle hauled him up. he looked happy, and very interested in the ball. like a complete idiot I tossed the ball down the path-sure enough, it went right down the embankment, and carver right back down. this time he ended up stuck knee deep in a thick mud. a couple of times he tried to lift up his front, only to end up face down in the water. terrified I scrambled down, hauled him out of the mud and back up. he immediately shook himself off, covering my new white shirt in mud flecks. again, what was I thinking? a white shirt? carver went back on the leash until we reached a clean sandy beach to do dipping into the pond. we met a beautiful newfoundland puppy who showed off his swimming skills while carver layed down in the shallow water. we hung out for awhile, watching the pup swim by his toy in the middle of the pond that his owners were trying to get him to retrieve. finally success, with e walking into the pond in her crocs to grab the toy once it got close enough to the shore. we walked up the path aways, carver beside me, when I turned around a saw that carver had got his remaining front foot stuck in a deep hole left by soil washed away around the roots of a tree. I told him to stop (but really, he was not going any where), and lifted him out. what a crazy combination of beauty and stress!

from there we headed to conservation land in carlisle, which has an ice cream stand next to some cows, sheep and goats. carver has never been able to get so close to farm animals before-he gave them a sniff and seemed more interested in looking for dropped cheerios on the ground, but the cows were VERY interested in him. e and I got cones (mint chip for me, butter pecan for her) and carver got a small vanilla, which he loved. it was a challenge to get him to not eat the paper cup!

we ended up driving to rockport for dinner, which is a long drive, and by the end we could really see that carver was uncomfortable-wit his one front leg it is difficult for him to maneuver himself in the back seat, and we could tell he really wanted to shift his weight around. we were all happy to be home after such a long adventure. e and I agreed that we do not want to do anything on the weekends that does not involve carver. it is too much fun to be with him, and every day is a blessing.

well, he was doing o.k. on monday-we all slept in, and had a short walk in the arboretum later that day, but by yesterday carver was visibly in pain. e gave him tramadol in the morning, and I did again in the afternoon. carver did not want to walk at all tuesday morning, nor did he in the afternoon. he was breathing very hard all night, and it was difficult to figure out if it was the meds (which can cause panting, but have not in him so far) if he needed to got the bathroom or if he was in unbearable pain. I kept rubbing him, trying to get him to settle down, and noticed that he has some small scraped on his remaining front leg. when we touch one he flinched. none of us got any sleep last night-first e woke up, then c then me. i was full of worry-if anything happens to that leg, we are in trouble. we need that leg!!! no walking again this morning, and i needed to bring him his food to get him to eat this morning. but by the time I arrived home this afternoon carver was ready to go. we walked all the way to the field before carver needed to rest. we rested a good bit on the tail leg of the walk, but it was a relief to see him so willing. he is laying beside me on the ground right now, both of us on his bed. he is panting some, but nothing like yesterday. I am going to hold out on giving him any drugs until before bed, unless something shifts. I want to examine that leg again, but am waiting for him to settle down a bit.

a couple of things are weighing on my mind right now-the first being that my letter to dr. m, the vet who diagnosed carver, is long over due. I need to express to her what I feel she did wrong, in the hopes that she will learn from it and not put anyone else through what we went through. If it were up to her we would have not had these 4+ months. the other thing is that I have been invited to visit one of my oldest pals in vermont in a couple of weeks, and have a plan to go, but I am full of worry about the whole thing and do not know if I can do it. I have not left carver fro longer than a work day since his diagnosis. I really want to go, and a part of me feels like it would be good for me to go, to have a couple of days not care taking. but I have so much doubt and worry, so much superstition and fear. and most of all, so much uncertainty. what if carver begins to down slide because I am not there? or just because its time-what if I miss this time with him and it is some of our last? don't I have the rest of my life to got vermont? is it selfish? or would I return replenished? the funny thing is, I do not feel drained. one of the biggest surprises about this whole thing is how much I love taking care of him. I really love it. it is sweet and dear and I feel lucky to to doing it. I never thought I would ever feel this way. so I am full of indecision.

happy memorial day!

2008-05-26T15:35:00.002-04:00

carver finishes off his small vanilla

a mid week update

2008-05-22T18:55:00.002-04:00

carver has been doing very well these days- I feel like I am in this quiet cozy daze of every thing being good and carver doing well and it is beautiful outside-o.k., the irish catholic in me is pretty sure I have just jinxed myself something awful. but really, things are good. carver and I have settled into this nice, intuitive pattern where we either go for a walk or we play ball in the yard-basically I just do whatever he seems to feel like doing in the moment. he has been playful and cozy and always wanting to be close. he sleeps in our bedroom again on most nights, howls some mornings when I leave for work, and is by my side the whole time I am home. and I am most most days by 3, so we have a lot of time to hang out together. it is a wonderful time. I feel like this is the first time I have not been completely stressed since carvers diagnosis, and it feels glorious. j just left after giving carver acupuncture, and he is sleeping on his bed at my feet. I have been noticing his hind legs seem weaker, but it hasn't really had too big of an effect on his mobility yet, so that is a blessing. he just has a hard time sitting down. j thought it was probably his back knees.

next up-posting one million beautiful pics of carver that e took over the weekend on a walk in the arboretum.

carver on his 4 month anniversary

2008-05-18T08:21:00.002-04:00

today is carver's 4 month anniversary

2008-05-17T16:09:00.002-04:00

of his amputation. a strange date to celebrate, I admit. even this morning I was looking at where the leg had been, remembering his long back stretches he used to do upon rising. he does a shorter, modified one, but it does not look as satisfying. it is a very significant day, though. the prognosis for a dog with bone cancer who has an amputation but no chemotherapy is 3-4 months. 3-4 months-we have beaten the odds! Back in January, when we received his awful diagnosis and was told he had a week to two to live, I never would have imagined we would still all be together on this glorious spring day. every day has been a blessing, but I would like to say that today is a little extra special, knowing we really have been given a gift with carver doing as well as he has been. it was a slow day in terms of walking. this morning was rainy and cold, and carver didn't want to get off the couch. then the clouds burned off, only to reveal a burning hot sun-too hot this time. we are waiting for just right. carver and I walked up to the store, and we rested A LOT on the way home. e returned from teaching and picked us up on ashcroft street. He is always so excited to see her, and he leaped up and ran to the car as soon she puled up. now, after lunch and a couple of tramadol carver is asleep at my feet, one paw resting on my ankle. sweet pup.

a walk of surprises

2008-05-15T16:52:00.003-04:00

I forgot to give carver his derramaxx last night, so I was not surprised when he didn't want to go for a walk this morning. to be honest, I didn't push it-another early morning breakfast at work, another crazy day. but when I arrived home, carver was excited to go out. I have had a rough week, working a ton, and have been feeling run down, so I wanted to keep it to a short walk. we headed to the field where the Kelley rink used to be, in front of the paths to wards. carver was in full territory marking mode. once again he led me to the paths towards ward's. there are two paths that run parallel to each other, one hugging a stream that connects wards to willow pond. when we turned to walk on the outer path, to head back home, carver made a bee line to the stream, walking along with his paws in the water, like he always used to do. I walked down through the thicket to stay close to him, trying to stay out of the mud. mid stream, what did carver do but decide to lay down! in the stream! I sat close to him, and watched the cool water drift over his hips and legs. it looked good, cooling. dogs are amazing in their instinct to care for themselves. I know carver just loved the water, but I can't help but wonder how good it must have felt on his sore joints. I wanted to join him. we saw chipmunks on the walk running in the dead leaves, lily of the valley just opening its tiny white bells. the dandelions on the field are in full puff. we both were covered in inch worms. it took us a while to get back home, partially thanks to a baseball carver found and was very playful with. but his hips look sore, and he needed lots of resting to get back home. I was happy to arrive, help carver onto the porch and get him his supper. e is going to a play tonight and I have a surprise night off, so it is pizza and tv for c and I, and an early bedtime for us both.

read this book!!

2008-05-13T18:33:00.006-04:00

I am about half way through this book, and I love it. Dr. Trout is a surgeon at Angell Memorial, the animal hospital up the street from my house. It is a wonderful look at animal health care, from the view of a veterinarian. This is a must read for anyone who has spent a good amount of time at the vet's office. Dr. Trout has a great sense of humor and tells stories with honesty and compassion. I could see many aspects of myself in the stories of the animal's owners and can recognize many aspects of the million vets carver has seen over the years as well. I appreciate Dr. Trout writing about veterinary training and interns, as I have had many bad experiences with young vets and it is the reason why I no longer use Angell Memorial, a teaching hospital. If I could be guaranteed Dr. Trout, maybe I would change my mind! At the heart of this book is the dog stories-inspiring, heart breaking and true. Dr. Trout takes a clear and funny look at the whole pet care industry from the inside-from what the vet is thinking about your big manila folder of internet research to the expense of it all- illuminating!

here is a link to an interview with Dr. Trout with Terry Gross on Fresh Air

after a couple of very spunky days

2008-05-13T18:25:00.003-04:00

carver slowed down this afternoon on his walk-back to resting and taking our time. It feels a little like the movie awakenings. I could not help but feel a little disappointed that he was not magically cured for good. and of course, there are the questions-is it because its sunny?, because it is 60 F, not 50? was it because I had to take him on a short walk this morning so I could get to work in time to make muffins for a 7 a.m. breakfast? still, I should not complain, it was a fine walk. blue sky, lots of birds, we laid down in the tall grass, watching people jog by. but still..

I should have known it would be a good walk

2008-05-12T17:43:00.002-04:00

when carver walked himself down the stairs while I was checking the mail. I was shocked! I always help him down. We headed down to the field for a short walk, but carver was full of energy and headed down the path to ward's pond. we have not been to wards in a long time-carver has not had the energy, and always saves it for going to the jamaica pond. a part of me had resigned myself to not being able to go down to wards, but it is my favorite walk. carver lead me right to the entrance, and down the path. there are a couple of oppertunities to branch off for a shorter walk, but when ever I suggested it carver pressed on. once we turned the bend, carver turned and went right into the thicket and headed straight for the flooded stream that feeds the pond. I made my way through the brush to find carver knee deep in mud, lapping at the water around him. I helped him out of the mud, but not before he slipped and fell face first into the thick black muck. we walked to the pond proper so carver could drink and clean off his feet. the whole walk was wonderful. he was so full of energy and cheer. we rested here and there, but he always jumped up ready for more. there were dogs to visit and we saw a beautiful red winged black bird. the walk home was fun, carver still playful and feeling good. he even came back outside with me to sniff around the yard while I took out the recycling. a big cookie for him, and then some supper. what an amazing gift, how wonderful to see carver so happy and full of life and curiosity. my heart is full from the day.

after being home sick with the flu for 2 days

2008-05-08T17:48:00.008-04:00

we decided to go for a walk to the pond.

at first there was lots of running

and exploring

there were a lot of dogs to meet

including a pup

this all brought about a great thirst...

and then some fine resting by the water, where it was much cooler.

we were out for a long time, both of us being happy to be out in the sunshine after a couple of days inside. carver is incredibly sweet when I am sick, staying close by at all times and asking for nothing. Luckily e took him on some fine adventures while I stayed on the couch. I am so happy to be back up and outside with c! now we are on the porch, me typing, c barking at everyone who walks, bikes or jogs by.

multiple dog by pomsmith

2008-05-04T18:23:00.002-04:00

despite the cold rain this morning

2008-05-04T10:11:00.003-04:00

carver was raring to go. we went for a fun walk to the field down the street. I just have to say in writing, carver has been doing amazingly well. on the couch, on the street, wolfing his food, crying for pizza crusts, hopping at the door to go out, cozy asleep, going for rides-he has just been doing great, and for the first time since that awful day in january I see him as my dog carver-not a cancer patient, not someone to take care of, not a situation to research, fret over, a constant worry, not dying. not dying. he is carver, my pup, and I am filled with gratitude that he is here beside me.

view from the porch

2008-05-01T18:08:00.001-04:00

a short walk today

2008-05-01T17:58:00.003-04:00

carver seemed to be in some pain today, which made sense. he was sick last night, wanting to throw up, and finally had diarrhea instead. I ended up not feeding him this morning, in case his stomach was still unsettled-I cannot sit with the idea of him home needing to go out with no one to help him-anyway, no breakfast meant no derramaxx, and he was feeling it this afternoon. we made it over to the field where the ice skating rink used to be and back, with LOTS of rests. instead of walking we hung out on the front porch-e had decorated the porch with new chairs, an amazing rocker and a beautiful flowered table cloth that looks like it is from the 50's for my birthday. I planted the pansies I bought last weekend (that I almost killed) while carver relaxed on his sheep skin. it was wonderful just to be outside with him. it made me excited to go buy a new rake to clean the yard this weekend-another outside activity I can do with c. again, it is nice to find new options when the old ones are not working any more.

pond walk

2008-04-30T18:08:00.002-04:00

we just got back from a good walk to the pond. carver has had a lot of enthusiasm since acupuncture this week. with the rains finally behind us, we have really enjoyed being outside.
carver can make it to the pond in 10 minutes, with only one rest on the way. the walk home is longer, but I am convinced it is 50% tiredness, 50% not wanting to go home. I keep hearing e's voice at the time of diagnosis, saying "if only we could get him to the nice weather", and here we are. 60 degrees and sunny, trees blooming and the ground a thick green carpet. wild chives bursting up in clumps for c to pee on, grass to nibble. and carver, who seems to have pushed forward a bit, jumping at the door and howling to go out, and when we get home, back on the couch.

it was my birthday

2008-04-28T15:45:00.002-04:00

and I had a busy week, full of celebration. it was the first week I have had in a long time that was not totally focused on carver, and it was good not to be so stuck in my cycle of worry and fear, but truly I missed him-it got hard to be out all the time. today is my first free afternoon and I am psyched to hang out with him. janice is coming over to give him an acupuncture treatment. it is cold and rainy, so carver didnt want a walk.

carver has been doing o.k. I notice that his back legs look thin, I think he has lost some muscle. it seems to be the hind legs that are giving him the most trouble these days. we are back giving him tramadol. I am trying to be in a schedule where I can give it to him, wait an hour, then walk him, although this is tough in the early morning. he seems to be heavy on his remaining front foot as well today-but I do think the humidity has an effect on his joints. we have had some good walks recently, with less laying down. basically it is different from day to day, and I am getting used to being more in the flow of things. one sweet thing is that he always wants to be with me. I cut up some cheap rugs e bought and made runners going through the whole apartment, as well as put beds in every room, so he has a bigger world. this has worked great-carver sleeps in the bedroom very night. when I came home he was in my office. I feel like every day I learn something new about carver and his needs. a lot of it I wish I had figured out years ago-I do not think I was paying close enough attention-but I am grateful that I am still open to learning, and can make as many adjustments as I can to make him comfortable and happy.

one of the nice things about being in provincetown

2008-04-24T05:52:00.003-04:00

is that the place we stayed at was at ground level, no steps. I could open the door and let carver out into the garden, no harness or leash. and there were plenty of balls around to play with..

carver, me and our new friend leo at joe

2008-04-23T21:16:00.004-04:00

dogs and coffee in provincetown. hanging out at joe is the cheeriest way to start the day!

carver in wellfleet

2008-04-23T21:12:00.005-04:00

these pictures remind me of the feeling I could not escape the whole weekend-that we are meant to live in a little cabin by the sea.

update for the week!

2008-04-20T21:22:00.002-04:00

last week was a whirlwind. I worked a couple of doubles, running home to take care of carver between shifts. carver will not go out for walks with our dog walker friend since the surgery. I am not sure exactly why, but he will only go out with either e or me. I don't mind, really, I actually like the excuse to spend a little time with him midday, but am worried about the coming months, when work gets busy again. I have to remind myself that this is a happy thing to worry about-since we could have lost carver months ago, had we listened to the first vet! carver has been doing o.k. this week. still taking lots of breaks on his walks, lots of laying down, and it has been tough to get him home if we go on any fun walks, especially to the pond. the walk there is great, the walk home is a huge test in patience, which I fail every time. it has been a big adjustment to make in my perception of how he should be doing . I just am full of resistance about his needing to rest, and have been full of worry that he is in further pain. in the midst of all the chaos, I fell asleep on the couch wednesday evening, and forgot to give carver his tramadol before crawling into bed. the next morning, carver was full of spunk, walked farther that he had in weeks and rested only a couple of times. when I mentioned this to e, she reminded me that a week back the same thing had happened-I gave his less tramadol and he perked up. so, armed with this good hunch, we decided to try & monitor him off the tramadol. e took us both to provincetown this weekend for my upcoming birthday. carver was with us every minute of the day. we all had a wonderful time, taking walks and being outside. carver had a very difficult time on the sand, so our beach visits were short but we did lay down for a while at race point, to see the breaching right whales who have gathered just off the shore. we took carver on some wonderful walks in the woods and walks in the town where he was admired by all. he has not taken tramadol since last wednesday, and I have to say he is doing really well. he was full of energy all weekend, and got a lot more exercise than he has in the past couple of weeks, and despite all of this he does not seem to be in any more pain. he still seems weak in his hips. he is still on derramaxx for the arthritis. I am hoping he keeps showing improvement off the pain killer. It has been such a delight and relief to see him excited to be out and about once again.

last week marked the three month anniversary of carver's surgery. three months of time we did not think we had. back in january I never thought we would be traveling with carver for my birthday-what a wonderful gift he is! how lucky we are to have him with us still.

lots of pictures to follow when I am not so sleepy.

friday

2008-04-11T19:15:00.002-04:00

after working at the club, and then for a dear friend, I came home to a happy leaping carver, ready for a walk. I decided to take him to the pond, after an incident this morning where he was running when we were headed in the direction of the pond, then screeched to a halt, suddenly needing many breaks, when we switched directions and were headed home. I know that carver is dealing with some pain, and that is where this new laying down thing is coming from, but I do think there is an element of stubborness that gets added to the mix and makes things more confusing. so, I thought I would see how going to the pond went. carver ran the whole way there-we made it in 15 minutes, and he was so happy. we walked in the dog bowl, up the hill, carver eating some more of that stinky fertilizer (it was at the pond too, all of jp must smell like it!) but he walked a good ways before stopping. we rested several times, and it was pleasant. he did a great job getting home, it really was an amazing, hopeful walk. I am super proud of him, and grateful to have been able to have this pond visit, to be able to get him over there. I was really afraid that our walks would be very limited, and we would not be able to do the things he loves so much.

we are sitting on the floor together carver asleep with a full belly and derramaxx, tramadol coming soon. e is bring home our favorite pizza from emmas, and we have netflix movies to watch. a cheery end to a tough week.

this week

2008-04-11T18:38:00.003-04:00

gosh, it has been a long week with no posting. lots of updating to do, so here we go-

monday

carver and I headed over tp the field where the ice skating rink used to be. right away c found an old wiffle ball and began to lay down-I assumed he was going to lay down, rest and chew on it for awhile. I sat down next to him, ready to give into the resting, when carver, a glint in his eye, grabbed the ball and jumped up, trotting to the other side of the field. we played for a long time with the ball, gently, but he still loves to play a little soccer game we made up when he was little, tossing the ball back and forth to each other. it took us a long while to get home, but it was a cheery walk. Janice the acupuncturist came over to give c a treatment, and we always enjoy her visits. carver looked relaxed. Janice suggested two flower essences-one for him and one for me-to help us work with this new resting thing.

tuesday

e's car broke down on the way to work. she had an awful time, waiting over two hours to get towed. she ended up working from home while the car was being looked at. on a break, she heated up some left over pork and headed back into her office. she heard some crying coming from the hallway-carver! desperate to come in! we had not covered the floor leading to e's office, since carver did not spend a ton of time in there, and our whole house looks like a crazy fabric factory with rugs and blankets and meditation cushions and quilts and yoga mats lying all over the place, so carver does not have to manage the hard wood floor. anyway, carver made the brave leap into e's room so he could beg for pork! go carver! e took some very funny pictures that I will post later.

bad news of the day-the car is beyond repair, and we are looking at being a car-less household, at least until the fall. under normal circumstances I probably would feel bummed about this, I have become very spoiled with e having a car (I have never had one, not being a experienced driver) but with carver having three legs, and cancer, and being so slow these days, and with the dr. w being all the way in weymouth, the news hit me hard. the anxiety button is getting triggered a lot these days, and I have been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. But I think this will end up being workable. with car rentals, possibly zipcar, cabs & friends I think we will get by o.k. and e not having the expense of the car (and fuel!) is huge, of course! we are thankful that this happened at the beginning of the nice weather-if it had to happen, this is the right time!

wednesday

I decided to take carver with me to the connolly branch library to pick up some books. this would normally be a 30 minute walk pre cancer, a 45-1 hour walk post amp, but took us 1 1/2 hours. it was a rough walk, LOTS of rests in a not very restful area. this made me commit to myself and him to not take him on any more "city" walks in the neighborhood. the concrete is touch on his joints, there is lots of garbage on the ground, no good place to rest, too many people around, asking questions or screaming to there friends "HE ONLY HAS THREE LEGS!". neither of us enjoyed it and it really stressed me out-sometimes I do not feel like explaining to total strangers that carver has cancer. I know it is unfair, but sometimes I just can't face it. a gaas station attendent asked what happened, and when i said cancer he sucked in his breath, his face pained, and turned away, could not look at us. it was a sincere reaction, which I had appreciation for, but it brought me right into the pain of it, right there on the street, with carver not wanting to budge, laying on the sidewalk. I like to have some control over where my breakdowns take place.

I did got the meditation center on wednesday night, something I had made a commitment to myself to go do. during one of my break down moments over the week, e reminded me that I have not been doing my meditation practice, and that my instructor had told me how important the practice is for me now. but the truth is, I have been TERRIFIED to meditate. I have been so afraid to sit and face my feelings. so, wednesday being open house nice, I thought I would feel more secure and grounded if I sat with the group. I am so grateful that I did. it was a wonderful night. Acharya Emily Bower gave meditation instruction to the whole group, which was amazing. wonderful to get back to the very basics. she also gave a great talk about compassion and loving kindness practice. Afterwards I got to connect with some good friends, and had a full interview with my meditation instructor while standing in the middle of the lounge area. I left feeling supported and loved, and very inspired by the the teachings and the practice. I have practiced every day since, and am planning to got wednesday nights as often as I can. I have to say it also felt great to get out of the house!

thursday

was a rough day-I was working a split, which means I get up around 430, work from 6-2. run home to jp, walk c and feed him, give him meds etc, then go back to work. all the stress of the past couple of weeks caught up with me, and I was feeling pretty dark, just overwhelmed. c and I walked to the ice skating rink field again, which smelled awful with some sort of fertilizer that had just been layed down. it was a short walk, very warm out, lots of resting. I had a good talk with my friend c, who diagnosed me with caretakers burnout. she has offered to by my ticket to vermont for a birthday gift. e has been saying I should get away for a couple of days as well. I dont know when I will feel comfortable going, but the offers from both of them are so kind.

I think it is all the not knowing that is getting to me. this new phase of carvers, his needing to lay down on walks, just does not sit well with me, even though the doctor and e and every one around me is saying it is normal, just go with what he needs. I just can't accept it, it came on too fast. but what is the point of doing more tests if we are not going to pursue more surgery? and then there is the whole awful issue of money-even if i wanted to do tests, how would I pay for it? I have not been working as much as I used to since carver was diagnosed, which has been wonderful, exactly the slowing down that I really needed, but economically the whole things has caught up with me. another layer of stress.

this whole week, carver has walked every morning, short walks with some rests when we get up the hill, but even in the cold damp rainy days he has been interested. he has been on tramadol only 2x a day because of my work schedule, and on his usual derramaxx. his appetite and digestion have been great.

so that is the week, which leads us to-TODAY!

some walking and some laying down

2008-04-06T20:27:00.006-04:00

e took care of carver while I was at work yesterday. they turned out to be sunny and bright.
they headed to daisy field.

carver decided he needed to take a rest when they crossed the jamaicaway. under this tree seemed like a good spot. his resting spaces almost always include a tree or shrub of some kind.
here he is in mid leap to laying.

the sun was bright.

one of the good things about taking more rests is that there is more time for scruff scratches.

they did make it over to the field.
carver ran in the woods, where he finds the soft balls sometimes, with their leather skins peeling.

then, on the way home, another rest. you can see that the light has changed-carver had e out for a long time! all that resting!

but he did have some enthusiasm for getting home for supper.

I was happy to hear that carver had such a nice walk while I was at work.

so it has been another time of adjustment. the good news is that carver has been more mobile the last couple of days-saturday morning we went for a little walk, then e's walk with him yesterday afternoon-although full of rests, they still did cover a good distance. this morning we took carver to the arboretum after we all slept in, and had a wonderful walk near the bamboo and pear trees, and the crab apples. carver only rested twice, and he walked a lot, saying hello to new dog friends and sniffing around.

a big bear yawn in the arboretum.

he looks like he is in a tavern in this one.

we just came back from a quick circle of parkton, and it actually was quick, with no laying down episodes-amazing! something e and I both notice is a bit of stubbornness on carver's part along with whatever else is going on. he seems to be just fine RUNNING to where he wants to go, but suddenly becomes very tired when it is time to switch directions or head home. I do not know how our pond walks are going to fit into this. I will not be able to go unless I have a solid couple of hours and it is not too cold out. thursday is suppose to be in the 60's...

what seems to be a new problem is carver has been falling down a bit lately-it is always when he is excited to go out, or to be climbing somewhere, then loses his footing. e bought some new rugs that we are putting on the wood floors. I feel so bad for that belly. it is awful to see him sprawled out on the floor. he sticks his nails out when it happens, then cannot traction to get himself back up.

It is nice to find myself calm after this long week. it has been a tough one. I cried a lot this week, almost as much as when we first received his diagnosis. I am grateful carver is able to walk more these past few days than he was on thursday. I know I can anticipate more of these resting days, and am trying to make that adjustment, and to enjoy the days where he is feeling more mobile, while not getting attached to either.

carver is now on a full course of tramadol, every 8 hours, or three times a day, which I think is helping.

carver had tramadol at 830 a.m., then at 430. I will probably give him his last pills of the day a little early, to get him on an earlier schedule for the week-not before 1030. he had 1/2 cans of a different health food store food this a.m., and 1/2 can wellness chicken this evening, along with too much kibble, which he threw up, along with the derramaxx. I cant double dose him, so I will try to keep this in mind in case he seems stiff in a couple of days. he pooped at the arb, peeded on both walks, and is sleeping on his bed, despite all the good smells coming from the kitchen.

a lot of help from my friends

2008-04-05T07:51:00.002-04:00

a lot of goodness came out of yesterday. my friend L , who recently has lost her beloved dog friend max and her beloved cat friend henry, had read my blog, and called me at work, and we had a wonderful conversation about this whole thing. it was such a comfort to talk to someone who has been through this. she was incredibly helpful and supportive an made me feel much less crazy than I had been feeling. e came on the afternoon walk with c and I , and she really got him moving, being playful. e brings the fun! thank god for her and that gift! I cant describe the overwhelming feeling of seeing carver look happy again, to be having so much fun. it was such a relief. it also felt so good to have company on the walk-I am realizing how nervous I have become, worried that something will happen when I am out alone, that we will get stuck somehow, that I will not be able to handle whatever happens. carver's acupuncturist returned my call yesterday evening, and we had a good chat-after asking a lot of questions about carver's well being over the past couple of weeks, she told me I needed to go out to dinner-someplace really nice she said-she is great, funny & supportive. she will come give carver a treatment on monday. then beloved dr. w called back, and said everything he basically said on monday-to let carver set the pace (without letting him get lazy), and not to worry about doing any testing unless he is showing signs of breathing problems, or he has stopped eating, or seems lethargic. So I feel like I am finally opening up to yet another layer of this whole process. with each new layer I feel like I just fight and fight against it, before I can accept it and integrate it into our lives. a little breath, then something new happens. it is crazy making. my body has been crunched up into a tight curl, every muscle holding. I spent all last night just taking deep breathes and letting then out, trying to unfold all of this tension I have locked inside me.
I am off to work-a 12 hour day! e will be home, taking care of carver, so I know his day will be jolly. I already miss him, but think it will be good to get outside of this for awhile, and put my mind elsewhere-like on brownie sundae's and hot fudge sauce, which is what I am going to work to make right now!

big thanks and lots of love to e, l, j and dr. w for both putting up with my worry and helping me find a way out of it.

fri & sat just details

2008-04-05T07:45:00.002-04:00

fri
tramadol at 7 am-no walk, just pee outside-raining
1/2 can wellness, cookie
tramadol at 330 pm-walk to & from ice skating rink field w/ e-NO LAYING DOWN!
peed & pooped
4pm-1/2 can wellness, derramaxx, little olive oil to help constipation
begged for pizza, in good spirits
tramadol 11ish

sat
woke up cheery, wanting to go out, but slipped on a patch of wood floor-seemed less excited afterwards
walked up & down parkton-despite the rain! one moment of maybe thinking about laying down, but I tugged a little and he kept walking. wanted to goto the pond-peed & pooped. slipped a couple of times-everything is slick with rain, and carver insists on climbing onto rocks, etc
lots of territory marking.
cookie, tramadol w/ cheese (730)
1/2 can wellness chicken, ate all the kibble in his bowl!
now resting. wish I could stay home!!

sick day

2008-04-03T20:40:00.001-04:00

I woke up feeling queasy with a terrible neck and head ache, the same way i went to bed, so I called in sick, something I rarely do. I think it is just symptoms of all the stress I have been feeling about carver. when I got up this morning we went outside, but carver did not want to walk. we tried again around noon. we walked as far as the side yard, where carver decided to lay down. crossed the street-lied down in the parking lot, then back home. we went out again at 6pm-he had a little more energy, we made it to the jamaica way before he needed to lay down again. I feel totally lost in all of this. he slept all day, which is normal. he is a bit more moany and groany, but I cant say when that started. I have a call out to dr. w but I have not heard back from him yet. he did jump onto the couch this afternoon, where I have not seen him in a while. I dont know. basically, I dont know. the not knowing is tearing me up. but what good would knowing be, if we are not pursuing any more treatment? I keep wondering if this is something small and fixable, of course we should fix it. but everything checked out on monday. I am also broke, so that is another layer to all of this. basically I just want carver to be o.k., but how o.k. can you be when you have cancer? and you are pushing 13? and you have 3 legs? I just wish he would go for a walk again. I just hope that this isn't the beginning of the end.

details
first off, he did NOT get tramadol last night at 11-I wrote that in early, fell asleep with said headache around 730 pm, never woke up.

so-today
tramadol at 7 am-1/2 can wellness venison, tiny pee outside, no poop
another walk attempt at 12, tiny pee or two
tramadol at 3pm
1/2 can wellness chicken at 4
derramaxx at 4
walk attempt at 6pm-some good peeing & a tiny poop
WILL give tramadol at 11, have set my alarm for it.

pond rest

2008-04-02T18:07:00.003-04:00

we walked to the pond today. carver was super energetic on the way there, we made it to the pond in 10 minutes-but the first thing he did was lie down. our whole time there was a series of short walks followed by a 10 minute rest. we walked down the bowl, near the water, then back. I had a really difficult time getting him to walk AT ALL when we were headed home. it really scared me. it is such a scary feeling to feel stuck with this huge, ailing dog. at times I was so freaked out I made him walk some, and then felt awful, he looked confused and stressed. but, once we got off the grounds of the park he did walk much more readily, so there was a bit of stubbornness mixed in there somewhere. but he had to lie down 2 more times on the way home. I was so relieved to reach our steps. we were out for a hour and a half. I still feel so stressed about the whole thing-it just does not make any sense, and I am needing it to. I am having a terrible time letting go of my expectations. a week ago he was fine! wanting not to walk in the a.m., but fine in the afternoons! this just seems so sudden. awhile after we got home, I spent some time stretching his legs, trying to see if I could pinpoint any place of pain, but he does not react. when he is running, is he masking the pain? or is it really that he is getting fatigued? what if it is a small curable injury that we are missing? I feel lost in all of this, not sure what the best way to take care of him is. I hate the idea of not going to the pond, but for the moment I also hate the idea of going. I am contemplating giving him a couple days of bed rest while I get him back on tramadol 3x a day instead of 2-I am just not sure. I feel stressed and scared and confused.

details
short walk this a.m.-food at first, slow going home-peed, no poop
tramadol at 7 a.m.
1/2 can wellness w/core kibble
tramadol at 3p.m.
pond walk 445-515, lots of rest breaks, seemed to be in some discomfort, pooped 2x, marked territory
ate a large bone on the way to the pond-worrisome
1/2 can wellness venison
deramaxx at 530

question-when was the last time I saw carver on the couch or the futon? he has been resting mostly on the floor-this may give me a clue..

the blood work is back

2008-04-01T18:42:00.002-04:00

and dr. w says it looks good, all normal. I know I should feel elated, but I just don't. carver's sudden need to rest is gnawing at me. why is it happening? what is different? we walked up to cvs to pick up his tramadol prescription-what used to be a half hour walk, and would recently be a 45 minute walk took us over an hour. carver lied down a couple of times, wanting a rest-this after not walking at all this morning. he is still eating well, digestion is great, still jumps up to beg for pizza crust, still has a sparkle in his eye. he jumped up to greet me this afternoon and was happy to go outside. he did want to goto the pond today, but I was home late and did not want to go on such a big adventure in the rain. I will bring a book & some water tomorrow and try the pond and see how he does. I think this is going to take some getting used to on my end-it is a scary feeling to have a big old dog far away from home who has chosen to lay down in someone's yard. e points out that she thinks I am having a hard time with the whole roller coaster ride, and she is right. it has been an exhausting week, emotionally. I need to just adapt, once again.

so, here are the facts
declined am walk, small pee
tramadol at 7 am
1/2 can wellness venison w/ kibble
walk to cvs & back in pm, around 5-3 rest stops
derramax at 6pm
1/2 can wellness venison
cookie
tramadol at 9 pm

monday meds

2008-03-31T22:39:00.001-04:00

tramadol-7 am
tramadol 3 pm
tramadol 11 pm

vet appt update

2008-03-31T22:15:00.002-04:00

carver gazing up at beloved dr. w

well, we just arrived back home after our visit with dr. w. what a huge relief this appointment has brought us. Dr. w said that carver looked good, that there were no worrisome signs that would suggest that something serious was going on, and would warrant further testing. He said the remaining front shoulder was just big from built up muscle. He was impressed with carver's walking ability, and how far and long carver could walk for. he said to let him rest when he wants to rest, and just keep an eye on his progress, along with his appetite, digestion, and attitude. we did do some blood work, which we will hear the results of tomorrow. but if the blood work gets the green light, we are ready to just keep on living our cheery day to day lives, learning more and more to let go of expectation and worry, and to lean into the present, letting carver be who he is and letting him need what he needs. today carver took a rest in someone's side yard on halifax street. I felt a little silly standing there, but o.k. I am going to add the third dose of tramadol to carver's regime and see if that seems helpful. beware blog readers, I am going to have to resume noting boring details of med times and his progress.

something I realized through out this whole roller coaster ride of a weekend is that is is important to think ahead to the end, while things are steady. I have to admit that I spent a lot of time these past few days thinking about how I would be able to make the decision to help end carver's life, what that would be like, what would I have to need to know, how would I know it was time? I asked my bonecancerdog friends who had lost their dogs how they made their decisions, and received an amazing outpouring of stories that were so helpful and full of courage and compassion. dr. m, who gave us carver's first diagnosis, said to make a list of all the things carver loves to do, and to keep it in mind as his cancer progresses. I think it is time to start making that list.

weekend update

2008-03-30T19:14:00.005-04:00

I have not been writing much this week, but i wish that I had been. I get to feeling that all the tiny details are boring, or do not mean anything, but in fact they add up, and tell a bigger story, one that I need to keep track of. Today we took carver on a trip to wingersheek beach in gloucester. it was a beautiful sunny spring day, although a cold one. the beach was closed, and the parking lot gated, so we had to walk the expanse of concrete to get to the beach. by the time we made it to the beginning of the tide line, carver lied down. we would get up and walk a bit, but he kept wanting to rest. so we mostly sat at the beach, never making it down to the water. carver would get up to greet a dog running by, but that was pretty much it. I would like to say that this is new, but every day carver has been a little more and more needing to rest. it began with him not wanting to go out when it was cold and raining-this made a kind of sense, even though he never minded the rain before. then, this week, when I had some early morning breakfasts and had to wake early, carver stopped wanting to go out in the morning all together. if I sleep in, or have time to let him wake slowly, he might go for a morning walk, but I have stopped taking it as a given. I think it was on wednesday that carver and I went to the pond, and he lay down on the walk there-just plopped himself in a pile of pine needles. we had been out for awhile, so it didn't seem unusual. thursday i worked a double so we went on shorter neighborhood walks. friday was raining, so short walks then too. but saturday was a beautiful day-e and I took carver to the pond in the afternoon, and he had to rest at least twice on that walk. then again this morning, on a short walk on the path to ward's. so by the time we reached the beach and he basically didn't want to walk at all-I felt sad but not entirely surprised. after lunch at woodman's e, c and I drove to reservation land in gloucester, and basically carver did the same thing again-short bursts of walking, then resting on the ground. his mind seems enthusiastic, but he seems to understand his body's limitations.

the thing is, I have no idea what is going on. sometimes I think it is his back legs, particularly the left one, but more and more I am beginning to think it is something inside. he moans when shifting position, despite the deramaxx and tramadol. we have an appointment with dr. walker tomorrow to get routine blood work done, but in the quincy clinic, where they do not have an x ray machine. so I am not sure how much he will be able to tell me tomorrow. I want him to look at carver's remaining shoulder, which feels bigger to me, and to check the lumps on his belly-are they new fatty tumors or something more worrisome? this is all so confusing, especially since we had already decided that after the amputation, we were not going to pursue any more treatment-no more surgeries, no chemo. so a part of me wonders why even do the testing at all if we know we are not going to treat any returning cancer? I guess mainly I want to know what we are looking at. could this be it, the final slowdown? I guess the next thing is to wait and hear what dr. walker says, he will guide us through whatever comes next.

the thing is, I don't want to lose him. I love carver. I am never going to be ready.

pond walk

2008-03-26T17:34:00.006-04:00

what a beautiful day-the warmest we have had so far this spring.
as you can see, after a couple of quiet days, carver was ready to goto the pond.

he has not been this far ahead of me in a long while.

as soon as we arrived, carver made a new bull dog friend.

there was some running-

and wading!

carver got himself into the pond, which he has been dying to do. the water is high, but he found a place where he could both get himself in and out.

we walked back up the hill towards the dog bowl. carver found a soft spot in a pile of pine needles to take a rest-

and to chew some sticks.

on the way home, carver met another couple of friends, both black labs.

what is this 11 legged creature?

synchronized trotting.

it was a wonderful walk! carver did not want to leave!

the house is smokey

2008-03-24T18:56:00.002-04:00

with the scent of a chinese herb moxa that the acupuncturist burned on the end of a needle, inserted into carvers hip. the herb warms the needle, so the point gets warm. she said it would help with carver's lack of enthusiasm on those cold damp days. carver is here next to me, asleep on the couch. he has really grown to love the the acupuncturist, j. he actually got up to meet her at the door, something he seldom does these days. I love how carver feels, to the touch, after being treated. his head is so relaxed and soft-it is indescribable but noticeable every time.

we had a great walk at ward's today, although i ran out without my camera. carver headed through the brambles again, and into the stream. he came home paws caked with mud and happy. it was a beautiful blue sunny spring day, with everything teetering on the edge of green. two weeks from now our world should look totally different. anyway, carver and i both had a sort of lazy weekend, with e being away at her folks for easter, so I was very happy and relieved to see carver full of spunk and wanting to go out for a long walk. I am getting much better at not panicking, I really am, but still, I like to see carver feeling good.

bone cancer dogs

2008-03-21T20:24:00.003-04:00

I spent some time tonight reading posts on the yahoo group bonecancerdogs. there were so many losses this week. Maybe it was an average week, I do not know, but it felt like a huge number to me. It is heartbreaking to see. I used to spend a lot of time reading the posts, but I realized after a certain point that reading about the dogs passing-a dog dies every day-was keeping me very fixated on carver's impending death, to the point where I was missing carver being alive RIGHT NOW, and missing being really present and enjoying him. so I have pulled away from the group a bit. I feel very guilty about this, I do not want to be all take and no give. I hope I have the strength when I do lose carver to go back and offer my experience then. I still check the posts a couple times a week, and if there is a question I feel I have good advice to offer, I will write, but I am more lurking in the background. but today, I needed to reach out to the folks who had lost their dogs, to share in their sadness. and to deepen my own gratitude, for tonight carver has a full belly and is quietly snoring on the couch beside me, three legs stretched out long, ears perked high waiting to hear the sound of e coming home.

another fine walk at the jamaica pond

2008-03-21T20:05:00.003-04:00

today, despite the crazy winds making the pond look like rough seas. we ran into an old neighbor with a 7 month old boxer pitbull puppy-very cute, and our old friend buster, a 15 year old mix, who barked hello.

I thought I would post some goofy pictures of carver out and about-

smiling carver, ready to take the pond by storm!

flying nun ears!

you can see the spring in his step-he loves going to the dog bowl, to check out who has been around-

and to mark every tree, so that all the pond dogs will know that HE has been around!

mid crunch.

after a couple of slow days

2008-03-20T19:13:00.002-04:00

carver was up and back in action this afternoon. he had not been feeling well these past couple of days-a little more moany and groany than usual, and not at all interested in walking, especially in the cold and rain. but today when I arrived home, carver jumped up and was happy to walk. we ended up up at the big pond. carver ran and sniffed and was his happy self. my heart is full of gratitude for this day, to see him happy and to be able to bring him to one of his favorite places. I am getting used to this new ebb and flow, enjoying the coziness and pats on the slower days, and the excitement and thrill of the more active ones. I am looking forward to a weekend of no plans, just time with carver, doing whatever he feels up for.

and I forgot to mention

2008-03-17T18:54:00.003-04:00

today is the 2 month anniversary of carver's amputation surgery. I am full of gratitude for every moment of these past 2 months. congratulations carver, for being so incredibly resilient, adaptable and brave. you are an amazing pup!

monday walk towards willow pond

2008-03-17T18:26:00.002-04:00

I really wanted to goto ward's today, it was bright, sunny, and the light was beautiful. but when we crossed the jamaica way, carver insisted on heading towards daisy field. I never know what drives him one way or the other, but he has definite opinions, and they are different from day to day. was it a particular smell? or did he have a hankering for goose poop, which is so plentiful in the baseball field? it seemed silly to fight him , to insist he take MY walk, although secretly I am planning on going to ward's tomorrow. anyway, he was full of energy and drive until we arrived-apparently the plan was to stand around a lot. it took us an hour to get home.

This is not my favorite walk-usually the daisy field area is full of people from the brook house walking their dogs after work-not the friendliest bunch. they see another dog coming, and grip their own to their sides-why not let your dog sniff a butt or two? the worst are the people on their cell phones-I saw a man almost allow his puppy to be run over by a car today. the puppy ran into the street after a dropped ball-the guy didn't even notice, chatting away. I yelled hey and he just dragged the dog back onto the side walk, not even acknowledging the car that had to screech to a halt to avoid the pup or me, not missing a beat in his conversation. I have to admit that I have spent many walks totally distracted, not noticing carver. one of the gifts that cancer brings is a fresh attitude and appreciation for every moment, especially the sunny day walks. that puppy was so full of life, so full of goodness, I just wanted that man to really take him in, he deserves that. I wanted to tell him how fast it all goes by, that their time together was limited, that he shouldn't waste a moment. gosh, for all I know, it was a dog walker and not the owner. anyway, this is why I am not crazy about this particular walk, and why I am even less crazy about just standing around there.

so, we walked some and stood some. sniffed a lot. saw our friend keith in his truck & waved hello. carver let his nose doing all the deciding. that and his feet. something I love about carver is that he really loves texture. moving water and smooth rocks. tall grass that brush against his muzzle. piles of crunchy leaves. thick mud between his toes. a wet packed snowbank to lay on. bark mulch to kick back. brambles to break through that stick to his coat. he is alive in all his senses, but I think next to smell, touch is his favorite. forget taste, he does not have the time!
tomorrow, we will got ward's (unless carver has another plan).

pond walk

2008-03-14T17:02:00.003-04:00

carver really wanted to got the jamaica pond today. it is one of his favorite places. I took him, but my heart wanted to goto ward's. I wished i had listened to my heart. oh, the pond was fine, but high with run off from the melting winter all around. carver really wanted to go in the water, but he cannot get back out himself, because of all the slippery rocks that line the shore. with no beach to step on, I cannot get stable footing to hoist him out. so we spent a greater part of the walk on leash, with me trying to distract him from the waters edge. then an older woman approached us. she gave carver pats and asked about his missing leg. she then asked about his prognosis. when I told her, she asked, "do you think it was worth all the trouble?" I smiled and said "yes!", but inside I was fuming. what a question! was it worth it. I have been lucky in that i have not encountered this kind of questioning and attitude too often, but even a hint of it burns me up. if you feel that way about dogs, why even ask questions? why show interest? so we kept walking, me tugging carver away from the water, swearing to never go back to the stupid pond, but of course we will be back. carver will insist.

amazing day at ward's

2008-03-13T16:58:00.007-04:00

this morning, carver walked with me, the first time in a couple of days. it was a cheery beginning to the day, and a big relief. the party at work this evening dropped in number, so luc let me have the night off. it is a beautiful, bright early spring day, and I found myself hoping on the way home that carver would be up for a walk. sure enough, he was! we harnessed up and headed out to ward's.

when we reached the fork in the path, where we turn to head towards the pond, carver had a different idea. lets cut through the trees and head to the stream! this stream is one of carver's favorite places. he loves to stand in water, especially moving water. I normally do not let him venture down that way, its brambly for one thing, but I caught carver's enthusiasm and followed him into the woods.

the stream, which connects jamaica pond to wards, then ward's to willow pond, was high, spilling out over into the woods, rushing with the end of winter, taking leaves and branches with it. carver ended up knee deep in the water and happy.

he walked the whole length of the stream to the edge of the pond, him with his feet immersed, me clutching saplings, trying not to slide off the muddy edge. once we reached the pond, he took to dryer ground, but enjoyed walking close to the edge, under all the thorny brush.

the pond has a beautiful marshy quality to it, perfect for nesting.

we had the best time!

carver remembering the taste of the stream while we wait for the light to change.

we even had a siren go by to howl along with, entertaining the folks stuck in traffic.

a dream of a walk!

2008-03-12T16:18:00.007-04:00

I wanted to share some amazing pictures that e took on our last 2 walks at the arboretum.

first walk-still wintery

amazing red tail friend who kept on eye on e while she kept an eye on him!

carver in the bright sun

some sweet smelling witch hazel-spring is on the way!

did someone say spring? just a week later

look, no snow at his feet!

a glorious blue sky with an equally wonderful cardinal

carver frolicking in the green grass , the green green created by the fresh water spring

the beautiful bark of a plane tree

carver and I rambling down the hill together.

time for a nap after all that good walking

thanks again e! we love to see the world through your eyes.

changes and adjustments

2008-03-12T15:28:00.003-04:00

after carver's amazing couple of days, he seems to have slowed down. tuesday morning he refused to go for a walk again. but later in the morning when e was getting ready for work he was ready to go-the two of them had a nice walk around the neighborhood, much to my relief. it was my first day of working a double, with therapy sandwiched in the middle of my day. we had c, our dog walker friend come in the afternoon, but carver did not want to go for a walk then either. I talked with my therapist about everything, about the constant worrying, and she said to me (in the kindest way) that i have been living in the fantasy that all my care taking would keep carver from dying. I never would have come to this conclusion on my own, but as soon as she said it i knew it was true. I cried for a long time, but somehow there was some relief in there too. the truth is, carver has cancer, and is at the end of his life. the truth is also that i have no say and no control about when it will come back, or in what form, and the truest thing of all is that I cannot stop him from dying. but the miracle in all this sadness is the basic goodness of him, and my love for him. realizing that I cannot control all of this has opened up my heart to really seeing him as he is, and loving him so much right now, in this moment. carver would not go for a walk again this morning, and instead of clenching up and feeling nervous, I just said o.k. I fed him a good breakfast and went to work early. this afternoon he was more willing, but slow. He is in wonderful spirits, and mischievous. his favorite activity right now is to pee on all the little trees and bushes in the area and then kick up the bark mulch with his hind legs. I let him do it, hoping that the sight of his three legs will keep the neighbors from yelling too much. I hope carver, e and i have a lot more arboretum walks ahead of us, more amazing days of strength and energy like over this past weekend. but for now i'll be happy to do what ever carver wants to.

acupuncture monday

2008-03-10T18:33:00.005-04:00

carver as made a remarkable recovery from last weeks days of stiffness. yesterday we had amazing walks at daisy field, little pond paths, and then later at the arboretum. carver ran, climbed hills, sniffed everything-it was a glorious walk. today we had a very good hour long walk to jamaica pond, where the light and sun shouted SPRING but the wind screamed louder WINTER! despite the cold, it is a blessing to have the snow be gone, and to already have the ground firmed up and ready to grow things.

janice came by today and gave carver acupuncture. carver stayed very alert this time, interested in everything she was doing. she found a spot that he really likes to have pressure on, where the sacrum and the spine meet, and she showed me how to do it. when she put pressure there, carver would press back into it, then collapse into a restful heap. I am glad to have something I can do for him, other than give his derramax. speaking of which carver is now off tramadol-I began to wean him off if it when his walking approved. he takes the deramaxx in the morning now, after I could not remember if I had given it to him yesterday.

tomorrow carver is going to be walked by our dog walker friend for the first time since christmas (and the surgery). she had mentioned to e that she missed walking c, and that she could accommodate his new walking needs. the nice nice offer came at the perfect time-my work really needs me to work a couple nights, and I desperately need the money-all of my short days and time off has caught up with me, and I am living very close to the edge, money wise. needless to say, I do not feel ready to cut the apron strings, I like being home with him every afternoon, and I like being the one to care for him. tomorrow will be tough, but good I hope.

daylight savings

2008-03-09T12:08:00.002-04:00

after a very rainy day yesterday, carver and i had a wonderful walk this morning, happy to be out on a sunny day. we walked to daisy field , then up towards the little ponds near wards-carvers hind legs look much stronger, his gait seems to have settled back in, and I am enjoying a moment of having nothing to fret over. more later after our afternoon walk in the arboretum-we are on the hunt for witch hazel!

friday walk

2008-03-07T17:41:00.004-05:00

carver was lying on his new memory foam bed when I came home, but he was all jumping and excited once I came into the room leash in hand. His foot has seemed much better over the last 24 hours. Knowing tomorrows forecast predicts heavy rain, carver and I cautiously set out on a condensed ward's pond adventure. Although his front wrist seems much stronger, carver's gait still seemed strange. Feeling his back legs, I noticed the muscles in his left hind leg feel very tense. Is this from over compensating? or is his stiff from bed rest? I followed his lead, which was that he really wanted to be on the move-he moved with a very quick pace the whole time we were out. I shortened the walk by cutting up on a path that allows us to skip the stairs. thanks to traffic, we safely crossed the jamaica way before the light, also bringing us closer to home. I am beginning to realize that this is the new normal, these moments of worry, these minor adjustments, these sore muscles. I think a part of me has been waiting for everything to get back to "normal" but really, carver has three legs! things are going to be different, more challenging for the both of us. I want to face each situation with calm. So tonight will be hind leg rubs, tomorrow a rainy rest day, monday the acupuncturist comes-lots of time to observe and care for him before panicking and calling the vet.

a couple of pictures of the walk

the ice on ward's has almost melted away. i do not remember seeing any snow on the ground-everything is a tone of brown, with new life teeming underneath.

a happy, panting carver headed up the hill, away from the pond

bed rest

2008-03-06T16:33:00.005-05:00

a much cheerier day today. carver and i took a short walk this morning, up and down the street. he pooped twice and peed, and I left for working feeling very relieved. another short walk this afternoon, another poop and several territory marking pees. he is on a full coarse of tramadol, every 8 hours, and deramaxx once a day. carver's spirits are way up-right now the only complaints are that he cannot jump on the sofa. he keeps looking at me and crying. when I went to lay down with him on the ground he hopped up and tried to steal my open place on the couch! sneaky pup! so now we are home, trying to have fun and bed rest at the same time.

first he licked this raw hide for awhile

he has not been able to figure out how to get a grip on it with his missing leg. carver always used his front paws like hands-proof he is a very enlightened dog.

then one of the cats walked by...

some hard stares and growling. those cats!

then his focused turned on me..

what are you doing with that black box again?

he has finally settled down a bit on his bed, accepting that today will not be a couch or long walk day. of course, I t kills me not to give him what he wants-he wants so little, I love snuggling on the couch-I want him to be happy! but i will remain strong- I want that foot in top notch shape!

a scary day

2008-03-05T17:20:00.004-05:00

when it was time for our morning walk this morning, carver refused to go out. he balked at the front door and tried to jump in the couch. I coaxed him out the door, and down the stairs, but he just stood there. I managed to get him across the street, where he peed a tiny pee, then he ran to our front steps. I helped him in, and he headed straight for his bed on the living room floor. Last night carver jumped off the couch, in a way I can only describe as heavily. it seemed like he had put all his weight on that wrist. I think he has injured his only front leg. I felt sick with worry all day, and came home early. carver was alert and cheerful when I arrived home, all wags, but when we went out it was more of the same. I managed to get him into the back of the yard, small pee again, and back inside. his appetite is great, his spirits are high, everything seems normal except for the big obvious thing. I have a call out to dr. w, but I am beginning to feel calmer. of course my mind jumps to the cancer, again and again and again. But I think this is probably soft tissue, I pray it is a heal-able injury, that a few days of tramadol and bed rest will fix him up, that we can have our ward's pond walks again. this whole experience is so much losing and getting back, remembering what I have, forgetting what I have, feeling sad for what is already gone, then desperately wanting things to be exactly as they are- three legs, ward's pond walks, sweet old pup. even in the midst of this crisis of sorts, I feel grateful for it-it wakes me up, wakes me up to how good things are, how dear. how I do not want to miss it.

monday & meds

2008-03-03T18:25:00.002-05:00

it is night and day, carver on deramaxx. even after his first pill yesterday, he seemed more comfortable. but the proof was in the pudding-both this mornings walk and this afternoons, carver was full of spunk. today at ward's pond I had to run to keep up with him. the changes take place so slowly, and subtly. I am so glad we chose to put him back on the meds. dr. w said to take him in in a month for blood work unless he is showing any troubles. hopefully last times vomiting and kidney issues was a bug, and not the medication. I so want carver to have as much mobility and to be as pain free as possible. on our walk we met a nice woman (with a beautiful 14 year old dog) who had a shepherd that had bone cancer. he lived two years post amp with out chemo. I LOVE these stories. I am so grateful to have carver still with me, almost 8 weeks after diagnosis. I have not written to the first vet yet, although I intend to. I want her to know that carver is well, and that we have already had months more excellent, mobile, healthy time with him then she said. she needs to know that it is not her place to make decisions for people, that she needs to give all the options. that people and animals are vulnerable in her hands.

It was tough when carver was vomiting this weekend. anytime he shows illness I jump straight to panic. it is so difficult to stay calm and focus on the moment at hand-vomiting-and not jump to the cancer is back, it is in his stomach, etc. How do I walk the line of being present, hopeful, joyful, and yet cautious and realistic. it is an impossible task, honestly. I am trying to take it moment by moment. the sadness sneaks up on me. yesterday we were in a section of the arboretum we rarely go to-it is a swampy field by a maple grove, where carver and I used to walk back when he was little, and could walk the three miles from our house to the park, before walking an hour or two around the park, then all the way back home again. All I could see was carver running, so fast and far I would have to strain to catch a glimpse of his tail in the distance, me calling out his name over and over to get him to come back. It has been a long time since carver was that dog, a long time before the cancer. but I found myself crying, mourning the loss of THAT dog. mourning is a process. I try not to get ahead of myself, because although we no longer have that carver, we have this beautiful one, so gentle and curious and kind, more interested in people and dogs than he has ever been. so cuddly and sweet and cozy. the dog that slows me down so that i can take in the world. this dog I do not have to mourn yet. this dog I get to love now.

weekend update

2008-03-02T20:08:00.008-05:00

well, I made it through 1/3 of my retreat-thursday evening and all day friday. but carver had me up in the middle of the night, vomiting, then vomiting again the saturday morning. my heart filled with worry, I decided to let go of the rest of the class. I want to say it was a tough decision, but when I get filled up with worry, I cannot think of anything else. I could not imagine sitting on a cushion all day, wondering how he was doing. meditation in the most simple of circumstances is difficult enough!

Now that I am on the other side of the weekend, I cannot imagine how I would have been away from carver for 4 days-it was ambitious to say the least. How could I have missed our excellent trips to the arboretum with e! twice in one weekend!

here is c & e in the bright sunlight

we are all at the main gate, waiting for our friend k, and her dogs.
e went to take some pictures and carver decided to have a rest in the snow while we waited.

they finally arrived!

one of the best parts of the walks was when we saw a red tailed hawk hunting over the marsh.

more pictures of the walk to come!

The vomiting seemed to clear itself up, he has been doing well digestive wise. But I have been noticing he has been groaning quite a bit lately, especially when he switches positions while lying down. He also seemed slower on the walks then before, with a lot of breaks to rest.

I put him back on deramaxx last night-I will call Dr. W today to let him know, and to see when we should have more blood work done. I hope this slowing down is just his joints, and that the meds will take care of it. I have also been giving him tramadol once a day-I might up this as well until he is comfortable.

thursday afternoon walk

2008-02-28T16:49:00.005-05:00

we headed back to the paths, towards ward's pond.

a beautiful sky to admire while we waited to cross the jamaica way.

we took our time, carver checking out everything under the fresh layer of snow.

it seems like on every walk, I see something I have never noticed before, like this lone birch among the oaks and maples.

carver and I played a good game of tug with a huge branch.

guess who won!

yum, sticks!

I cant seem to stop taking pictures of the pond. there is something about the spring light on the icy surface that keeps drawing me in.

I love to watch carver run more than anything. it is not just his mobility, but his exuberance, his curiosity and enthusiasm, you can see his happiness in the turn of his tail.

tonight I begin a meditation retreat which will run through sunday. It is local, so I will be home at night. I have not really done much of anything without carver since his diagnosis, other than go to work. e & I have gone out to dinner a few times, but other than that, we have pretty much always been with him. I feel super conflicted about going. I know that it will be good for me, but truly I do not want to leave. I want to stay right here, cozy on the couch with c by my side.

on a different note, today is my dad's birthday. Dad never got to meet carver, but I think they would have loved each other.

porcupine

2008-02-25T19:11:00.003-05:00

carver had acupuncture today!

He wagged like crazy when j arrived. today was the first day where he seemed really alert during the whole treatment, but still very interested and relaxed and happy. She said carver is looking and feeling good! happy news! we will now switch to every other week more for maintenance, and to treat anything that comes up.

monday at wards pond

2008-02-25T18:31:00.012-05:00

Mondays seem to be our wards pond days.
It is our favorite weekday walk-woodsy but close to home.

carver at the entrance to the woods

it was a spectacular day-warm, sunny with a blue blue sky and beautiful springy light.

off in the distance we saw a woman with a pack of dogs.

we have seen her before, but today was the first day we ever had a chat. her name is peggy and she has 6 dogs. Peggy is incredibly nice. we had a great talk, and carver and the dogs had a wonderful time checking each other out.

after p & I parted ways, carver and I continued on to wards pond.

we discovered a small grove of beech trees we had never noticed before.

we listened to a spring time robin sing its spring time song

did I mention the light?

and how it reflected off the ice on the pond?

carver had a rest in a thick bed of snow-his new favorite activity

another glorious walk!

sunday update

2008-02-24T16:38:00.002-05:00

carver did end up sore today-on our first short walk he only wanted to lie in a snow bank, which of course had me fretting. he also had digestive problems, and I ended up opting out of plans to see Richard III with e and some friends. Carver did need to go out a couple of times, so I am glad I was home for him, but I still feel sad about missing it, and mostly for having to cancel last minute. I know I am worrying too much, so it has become hard to gage when it is appropriate to worry, and when I am just acting crazy. I end up feeling pretty chicken little. I am going on a 4 day meditation retreat at the end of the week, which I am hoping will help me work with all of this in a better way. The retreat is local, so I will come home at the end of the day-I am not ready to leave carver over night! I am not sure if I ever will be.

We just came back from a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood, where we ran into carver's friend mandy and her folks, which was really nice, we have not seen them in a while. I like to show carver off, I have to admit. I feel proud of him, and I like it when he gets to see friends and receive some pats. he was slow on the walk, although we only had one lying down in the snow episode, and that was when I was chatting. I feel a little better, especially now that we are home, carver lazing on the couch.

peter's hill after the storm

2008-02-24T16:17:00.008-05:00

Saturday afternoon e, carver and I went for a 2 hour walk in the arboretum, at peter's hill.

the arboretum looked like a confection, everything covered in a glossy thick blanket of snow.
It was the first Saturday afternoon e had off in a long while. We were so happy to have her home with us!
Peter's hill was filled with sledders and dogs, including this brand new puppy that carver took a liking to. That puppy never stops moving!

I used to be obsessed with puppies. I still like them, but ever since carver turned 10 or so, my heart has a bigger softer spot for the seniors. I like those old dogs.

much to e's delight, and my dismay, carver insisted on spending the whole walk chest high in the snow. I know he was having a good time, but I could not stop fretting about his muscles and worrying that he would hurt himself. I hate being such a worry wort all the time. I am really trying to relax more, but these past 6 weeks or so has taken its toll on my adrenal system. thank goodness we have e to remind me to have fun and to let carver have fun. she keeps the big picture in mind, while being totally present. if it were not for her, poor carver would probably be strapped with shin pads and a helmet and walked only in a padded room.

carver did tucker himself out, and enjoyed taking breaks lying in the snow.

one of the best moments of the walk is that we got to see the witch hazel in bloom. This along with the beautiful light filled our hearts with the truth that spring is on its way!!

big thanks to e for taking these beautiful pictures of our walk, and for helping me document this precious time we have with carver. She truly is a gifted photographer. But you don't take my word for it-check out the link to her flickr page there on the right-there are many amazing pictures, even ones without carver!

another snowy day

2008-02-22T16:35:00.013-05:00

at the jamaica pond. the sledders were just beginning to arrive.

is that a wolf?

NO! its CARVER!

carver had a great time running in the snow. he looked like a sled dog, mushing, the snow flying all around his feet. his harness added to the look.

we spent some time playing with sticks under the pine trees.

now carver is dried off, in a deep sleep on the couch. what a cheery walk!

thank you beautiful pond.

I just noticed while walking in the sunlight

2008-02-21T16:01:00.002-05:00

that carver's coat has never looked better. so glossy, so soft-he looks like a breck girl. so beautiful, in fact, that we had strangers with two pugs shout out to us, "WHO IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL TRIPOD!" CARVER! I shouted back.